Young couple in need of help

[sumguy27]

Here goes. I have been with my wife since Highschool. I knew from the first time we meet this is going to be my wife. She and I have had our ups and downs from the begining of our relationship.

One of the things that might be different with my younger generation is there is a lot of tools out there on the internet that can be used for either good or bad. For instants Myspace and Facebook. We both have one and it was suppose to be only to keep in touch of lost friends and family members far away. We both have had emotional affiars with that particular site. Another things is yes we are a young couple and she is still in the party mode. While I grew out of it she always wanted to go to the clubs and bars with her girlfriends.

We both never had good communication as she would just hold everthing inside till something big dramatic happens and she lets it all out.

Since we have been married things were tough. I pushed her to finish school and have a career. I tired my best to do the right thing for my family. I have given so much effort and love that I felt I never recieved any from her. After my second child things really went south. I felt she took advantage of me as I did all the chours and took care of the kids. Thankfully my mother watches my kids when I go to work and she stays with us during the weekdays. What I meant was even if she came home first she would wait for me to get home to cook. She wouldn't clean and would wait till I pick up around the house. I did it all the time. She wouldn't bath my kids as much and she would wait till my days off to let me know to give my childern a bath. I did it because I thought that maybe she is just tired from work? But then it became everyday.

I don't go to the clubs as much as her either. She knows if I work the next morning I don't go and out or get wasted. So she would plan events with her friends on Thursdays or Fridays. At first I didn't put my foot down because I didn't want her to say I lock her in a cage. So I stayed home and watched my kids. Then it became every other week and then every week of her going out all the time. I got sick of it and told her how I felt. "Why is there always a girls night out, bachlorette party, bridel shower, all the time and why is it at the club?" I would say.

Then with our sex life never went back to normal after my daughter was born. I would try anything to get intamite with her and she always had a excuse of "I'm not in the mood, I'm tired, I look like crap etc." I didn't care because I just wanted some affection for being a good parent and father. I guess I thought if I did all these good deeds couldn't she just give me some loving at night so I know I'm not in a hopeless marriage?

So I did the unthinkable. I had a affiar with a another woman. I felt horrible after it happened because I realistically just wanted that to be with my wife. But then I had been blinded by that affiar. I would start to second guess everything. She eventually found out and confrontted me one night. I didn't know what to say to her and she grabbed my kids and said I'm leaving. I sat there on the bed just speechless. She came in the house 3 times for me to stop her but I couldn't. She threaten me with my kids and what her plan was. But a few days after she came back and was crying for us to fix this. I was not ready at the time and said maybe its best if we seperate for now so we can think things through? That was such a mistake. We both found our own apartments as the house we were living in went into foreclosure.

She was so sad and I couldn't even look past of what and how we got to that point. Her friends we not a big help either. I don't know but with her friends the first words that came out of there mouths was "lets go to the club and find you a new man and forget about that loser."

The weekend before we were going to move into our apartments I had a cousin who was throwing his wife a golden birthday party. Being embrassed about my situation and didn't want to argue at there party with her there or her friends I decided thats its ok for her to go and I'll hang out with a different group of friends. I got home about 1:30am and she didn't come home till 4am. Later in the week I found out she had meet a guy who is just a friend the night before at the club and he showed up there and she introduce him to all of my boys. They were stunned but unlike her friends didn't want to tell me because its none of there business. I later found out because one of them couldn't bare me to not know what happened.

Ever since that weekend it has been wired. She has totally chagned her atitude. She is so angry with me when I call and text her about anything. We agreed on every other week with the kids. I had the kids the first week of our seperation. My son got pink eye some how and gave it to my daugther. I'm a young father who has no clue about kids or don't have all the answers. All my son kept asking was his mom. So when I called her to come check up on them she refused. And said I'm there father deal with it. That was the shock of my life.

Eventually it got worst. I can see my kids pain and I said we need to fix this. So I started to push her to come back. She refused and said we are done and no more. I'm not your wife and there will never be us again. I was so hurt that she could say something like that and doesn't she see her little kids suffering? So I pushed and pushed. Now I know that was the wrong thing to do since I found this site.

I went over a couple weeks back when she had the kids and after work to check up on them because I miss them. There sitting on her couch was a ex boyfriend of hers that she had a love triangle with me back in highschool. I was so hurt and angry to see him there. Her excuse was because he wanted to see his cousin who was renting the place to her. I know thats not the truth.

Fast forward since this has gotten to be very long. I still kept pushing her and last thursday I confronted this guy who she meet and introduce to my friends. It was just last thursday. I told him to leave my wife the F alone. He said that there only just friends. I told him I know his game and he only wants one thing from her. (I found out about his ways as a womanizer who preys on the weak woman who has just came out of relationships. he use to date my neice who was having trouble with her relationship a couple years back. Thats how I got this assholes number.) I did what any desperate man would do. I told him if he doesn't leave then there is going to be drama between us and I'll hunt him down. He obviously told her what I did and she said to leave her the F alone.

Fast forward to last weekend. We both went to a wedding of a close friend of ours. I had the kids so I brought them. Instead of sitting with me she sits with some of her bad apple friends and keeps telling other people to get her kids for her. So immature. I have all the kids stuff and instead of her just getting it her self she would ask friends to come grab it from me like diapers, bottles etc. I was just completely angry with her. Then she just got completely wasted. So drunk she was falling around everywhere and flirting with the camera guy. Right in front of me. I couldn't do anything to help. And because it was my week with the kids she felt it was my responsiblity to watch them there while she had her fun and get drunk. Our friends were stunned of her actions and I had to have my guys help me watch my son as he was running around trying to get attention from her. They eventually fell asleep and I had to take them home. I asked my cousin to help me bring the kids to my apartment. We got to my apartment and my son woke up crying because instead of seeing his mother he saw "uncle" who he did not want. My buddie started to tell him he was going to go back and find his mommy for him and he panic and said" don't worry ok I will get her for you. He got back it was too late. She had left with her friends. I tried calling but no answer. My little son and to fall asleep crying to himself as he doesn't understand. He woke up crying for her the next morning. I said screw it I don't care if she is hung over he is going to see his mother. So instead of our usual pick up time of 6pm I sent the kids over at 10 am. She was annoyed and yelled at me because she was still hung over. I said look he wants you and I'm not his mother. She took them in annoyed and it was heart breaking for me too see her take it out on my kids. They are so young.

I have ordered both books and am waiting for them to arrive. I seriously need help as I'm so desperate right now and I fear for the worst.

[cpfullofhope]

Wow, you have been through a lot. Clearly you have both made some mistakes and your marriage has taken a toll for it. I'm glad you are here. You will get some good advice on this site. Read other people posts and see what you can gain from that, and read both books twice when you get them, that will set you on the right path. I think it is really important to take a step back and take a deep breath and figure out what you need to do to provide you and your kids some stability. Your son may cry for his mom, but comfort him and reassure him that he will see her later and keep him in the comfort of your care. It sounds like you have been the one doing all the caregiving anyway. Don't take them over to her and have her treat them like she doesn't want them. That isn't going to help. Follow the plan you have set up and focus on you and the kids. And, get into some counseling so you can work on you. If your wife will go, great, but do it for you if not.

I don't know what else to say, but I will be following your posts and wishing you well.

[robx]

I read your post,
I won't deal with all of it,just the tail end of right now,
who were you punishing when you dropped the kids off at her place early that morning?

Her?

The kids?

Both?

You assumed she was hung over and yet you still dropped off your young children to be in her care while she was hung over and you probably knew she would be angry and take it out on them but you still did it anyways?

You brought the kids there and I'm pretty sure you knew the reaction you were going to get and on top of that you got to leave, your kids had to deal with an angry hung over mother.

Does that make you a good dad?
A good spouse?

All I see is one-up-man-ship,
you do something to her, score 1 for you, she does something back, the score is now even, she does something to you, she's up by 1 now, you do something to her, you back at even score now.

Stop it.

The kids deserve better parents on both parts, I won't reward your behavior or hers based on the description you provided.

Excuses don't explain and explanations don't excuse.

Remember that, burn it into your brain and maybe you'll learn to stop evening the score.

Another thing you both need to learn but we'll focus on you right now because you're the one who is here and she isn't.

Resentment breeds entitlement.

It means in it's most basic form,
you get angry at something she does, so you think you're entitled to something to even the score.

It's called maturity, you have kids now so you have to act mature. You don't have a clue about being a parent with young kids, well if you can go on this forum and post your story, I'm sure you can google what needs to be done with kids.

Focus on them.
Stop pursuing your wife.

Don't call her, if she needs to, she can call you.

If she is just as immature as you are, I would consider this separation a blessing in disguise. Take care of those kids who didn't ask to be in this situation and be the best father you can be. If your wife wants to be with other guys since you had an affair, let her, you couldn't stop her if you wanted to.

How's that for honest & direct?

[sumguy27]

Yes you are right. We are both immature. I guess thats hard to accept for me but what you said is true. We have always had this eye for an eye with our relationship. With the begining of our marriage I found out that she and her EX had contacted each other on the internet. I got mad and angry at her and decided I should get even. I contacted a ex who she doesn't like at all. She then said that I cheated on her which I didn't.

This year everything she thought was great. It wasn't for me at all. Because I always felt like I give and give with no return. I never said what I did was right. I do know now that I have given her way too much freedom.

She comes from a broken family. She knows what she went through during a divoce from her parents. I grew up with just my mom. I never knew my father and when I found out about him he had already passed away before I could have any contact with him.

Before my daugther and before any of this I know the real her. We have had great memories and history together also. She was such a caring person before and was never this person who she is. I blame her group of friends who yes we are all young and immature.

I guess I want to keep holding on and make things work because I know our issues can be fixed and not worth having my kids shuttle back in fourth without a home. I also fear of having only my happiness and no one to truely have a big enough heart to love my kids. I know she is a good mother but she is just not protraying it right now.

I keep telling everyone that I'm not going to give up without a fight. I have been going about it the wrong way so far. I have been doing things to cause more damage then good for her.

The week before I actually got her to come out to dinner with me. I took her to the Oceanaire which was very expensive. I thought that would be a good starting point. Yet after the dinner and bar we went to and came back to my apt she still said no.

Idk I'm lost and stressed and have been really depressed. I have lost focus with work and friends. I am thankful for the support of some of my friends who didn't pick and choose sides. I know I shouldn't care of what these bad apple friends are saying about me and giving her bad advice but its so hard not to care.

[sumguy27]

Man I wished I would have found this site earlier before I seperated. I have made a lot of mistakes.....

[sumguy27]

A turn in event. I haven't talked with since yesterday or texted her at all. She just showed up at my work place. I thought that was odd. She was asking for her BB back that she had gotten for me for fathers day last year. (when she had found out about the affiar she said she wanted to take the BB back since she paid for it. Me being in sales had to get another phone right away. Even though I have the other phone now I choose not to use it because its a link to the affiar.) So she said give me my phone I told her I'm sorry but I cannot give you this phone at this momment.

[sumguy27]

I'm sorry if it may seem like I'm bumping my thread but I just have to let it out. How can she be like this!? I didn't take any of the vehicles or things I have purchased away from her at all. I'm not even making her pay for half the car bill even though she uses it every other week and its also in her name. I'm not even telling her to pay half the insurance since its in her name also. What the heck is wrong with her thinking?

I have been reading Orich's thread and others and it just sounds so similar with my situation. I know that there is a OM. Yet she keeps denying it and she said she has many new guy friends now. Yet yes I did some snooping when she fell asleep and went through her text messages. Instead of taking it to another room and going through it I read it while she was sleeping there on the couch and when I saw those dirty texts I couldn't help but say "Oh my God!" Which of course woke her up and she grabed her phone and said what I'm I doing!

No matter what I know what I have done and my mistakes. I'm not going to give up on my little and young family. I was wrong and I know what she is doing is only to hurt me to get back at me. I have been reading other threads and I too have to be strong for my really little ones and for myself.

Man I just can't believe I gave so much up for her. My hobby as a tuner, guitar, singing, fishing and just socializing with my friends. I have to get my state of mind back for me.

[cpfullofhope]

You hit the nail on the head there. You have to get your state of mind back for you. And, being the #1 snooper that I am, I will tell you to stop. If you feel like you need to snoop then you already know the answer. Knowing is not going to change things at this point, because your focus needs to be on you and the kids. She will soon realize her friends, the OM, and the life she is living is empty. Don't do any more damage at this point. She is not in her right mind. She is angry and resentfull and is acting out of that. Her actions will not make sense, so stop trying to make sense of them. Get some stability and sanity for you and the kids.

[sumguy27]

Alright quick question here since I can't believe it comes down to this phone I got for fathers day.

1. Should I just give it back because the phone is under name?

2. Should I then tell her to fork up and pay for half the car note and insurance then?

3. Or should I take both cars away from her since I paid for both of them. (Seems so childish of me to do)
The reason I ask is because like the post earlier I don't want to try and get even with her anymore. I was just thinking for the kids so I thought if who ever has the kids shall get the SUV instead of the tiny corolla. But I have always paid for the cars and I finally paid of the corolla this year. Which originally was her first car I bought her. The corolla is in my name. The SUV however is in both our names. I don't want to be the jerk and say fine then pay half of the bills. But my sister is telling me too do it so she knows how how hard it is to be a single mother? Idk I don't want to do the wrong thing. And I'm just laughing because it comes down to this blackberry which is under her name that's why she wants it back. GRRR!!!! We sound like two childish kids. I'm sorry if I offend anyone.

[robx]

I can't believe it's that difficult to come up with these answers.

1. Was the phone a gift, a real gift?
If so, keep the phone. If the phone is on a plan and she's paying for it, tell her to change the name on the plan to yours and you will be responsible for it. Arrange a time to go the cell service provider and fill out the necessary paper work to assume the phone's data & phone plan. Problem solved.

If she's going to make that big a stink about it, give her the phone back and get your own - another solution to the above problem.

2. Yes, you're separated and that means she should be responsible for things she uses especially if she expects the same from you. If she uses the car, she should make the car payment and insurance payment, it's what adults do.

3. Who will have the kids more, you or her? If it's joint custody and she will have the kids just as much as you, take the SUV and give her the corolla. Why? Because you value yourself just as much or more than you value her, sounds selfish but if this is about generating respect, you won't get any respect by giving her everything and doing everything for her and buying her gifts or taking her out for meals, etc. Living without you means living without the things you provided for originally.

If she wants the SUV, tell her to pay for it.
Nothing in life is free.

If she has the corolla at least she will be able to transport herself and the kids. And please don't make the argument that you need an SUV to transport the kids. I have a plymouth neon several years ago and I transported my kids back & forth in that sardine can and it was a piece of cake and I didn't feel shortchanged for doing it.

Seriously how big are these kids that you need an SUV to transport them? 250lbs each?!

Let's start asking some real questions, like what DB principles to employ to get your wife back into this marriage.