Hey Rob, so glad to hear you are happy!! And yes, I did question him. Hey GAG.. a lurker, well, I am glad its been of some use, god knows we all need it here hey, at least I did then very very much!!
Hi K.. how are you? So.. we had a big talk tonight, 1-2 hours. I asked him directly, did anything I do affect your decision to come back, or was it that you just had to come around to that place within yourself and decide... he thought about it for a while and said, no, it was just in me really, I arrived at that place on my own, but I never stopped thinking about you, or loving you, looking back. Everything seems to be about him (even the convo, seeing as he was frowning and stressed and said he is 'riddled' with guilt). So tonight, I had to go to his old flat complex, as part of my new job to inspect land nearby.. I told him when I got in that I felt a bit sad there. He said nothing. Later, after we talked, he said he could tell it had bought up stuff for me, but he was tired, just got in from work, felt dreadfully guilty and so, selfishly, decided not to say anything because it makes HIM feel bad. So he allowed me to talk and ask questions later on, as I needed to.
He says he really doesnt remember his thought processes for much of the past 18 monhths, that he felt crazy, spinning around, that looking back he cant believe how he acted, or why, he cant fathom it, it feels alien to him, who he is, that he would behave that way, that he wasnt making good decisions for himself or anyone. THat he feels embarressed and foolish and soooo guilty for what he put me through and for no reason.
I said it was for a reason, he wasnt well and it was something he needed to do. He agreed and said, he thinks looking back he had some sort of breakdown (which is what I always thought, I told him).
I asked him why didnt he phone from August? He said he wanted to and thouht about me all the time, but guilt always stopped him. I asked, did he do that thing where he dialed even and then put the phone down.. he said yes, he did, a few times! He looked amazed at himself and upset at the memory and said he really wanted to talk to me. I said, why didnt you call then? He said, because of guilt. I was paralysed with guilt, I felt awful and I didnt know what to say, what could I say, eventhough I was worried about you and missed you. I said, but even when I was being so accepting and friendly on emails? He said yes, you were I know, but I dont know why not, I just felt so bad and guilty that stupidly and selfishly, I just didnt call you just because I was thinking of myself..He never stopped thinking about me/loving me, even in the early days of their R and said he realises now how stupid and insane it was that he was even putting effort in to making it work. But that it was never natural and he cant understand why he perpetuated it for so long, but then, he was mainly fighting the fact he hates to upset people, cant bear it. It wasnt until March/April that he stopped feeling so crazy and really started to organise his thoughts and begin to really make proper decisions and realised it wasnt fair to ANYONE what he was doing.
He says he remembers getting emails from me and liking it, but he never told her about them. She did ask if we were in contact and he just said "we had been". I asked him if he felt he had been honest with her, he said looking back, no, not at all as he tried not to talk to her about me. He also said that she asked about selling the houses and he said not now, because of the market but in reality, he never wanted to sell them.. because they were "our houses" and he had no intentions of.
About emails from him, that he doesnt remember NOT asking questions in them when he was first with her. When he did later on, no, it wasnt so that I then had to reply to him, it was purely because he was curious and wanted to know about my life and started pulling himself out of the hole he was in and wanting to know about my life and see me. I said he wasnt before that, for a time he didnt ask questions, again, he said it was just guilt, but he doesnt remember and it wasnt deliberate, or premeditated. Ditto the not replying sometimes, it wasnt deliberate and he doesnt remember. He has no clue why he wouldnt give me his address or let me come to his flat all that time, it upsets him to think about it as he behaved in such an odd and out of character way.
He said that in terms of GAL, he did notice and think that I seemed more outgoing, but on the whole he sees me now as he did then, that I am just being me, being myself. Seems it didnt affect his decision to come back, but I guess it didnt make him NOT want me back either and what it definetly did do he said, was make him worry I would find someone else. He worried all teh time, especially with my BMF, he figured he was sniffing around me and worried when I told him how much time we spent together. Wierd that he worried all the time.. I asked him, did you think I might go out with someone else, or even hope that I would, when you started seeing someone? He said no, he didnt want me to get a bf, ridiculous hey, but he didnt want me to even after he started seeing Helen and never stopped worrying that I would. But he said, what could I do? It had happened, I didnt go looking for it and I didnt know how to change it, undo it and what to say.. so he just said/did nothing.
He says he feels 'grateful' and lucky I took him back and that I am brilliant, so glad I got that out of him ! But that he doesnt feel insecure as I have done a good job of reassureing him. Lastly, I asked him why he got so stressed about these convos, he said because he understands I want to talk about stuff to lay it to rest and thats fair enough and only right, but from his perspective he just wants to lay it to rest by never thinking about it ever again. He says he just wants to forget the whole 2 years and put it behind him and never talk of it again. He cant believe how he behaved and cant identify with the person he was then, that he cant get his mind into his mind as it was then. So, all in all.. he has alot of healing to do it seems and he says he is still, massively guilt ridden for what he put me through and cant bear to hear how bad it was for me.
I dont know if this helps anyone.. but message seems to be from him anyway, they lose their minds, we may analyse texts/emails etc, but seems its not deliberate/premeditated and if you are just being yourself, the person they fell in love with, they MAY come back around, but its really down to them if they do.
Wishing anyone reading, sweet dreams and peace of mind, Al xxx
