First of all, I want to apologize for my absence. Things have been so crazy and hectic the past few months that every time I would sit at the computer I would either get distracted by some issue or forget to sign in and post an update. Then the reconciliation happened...and it's been a whirlwind. Okay...for those of you who don't know, my wife has been on again off again for nearly three years now. It's the ILYBNILWY thing. Except in February she filed for divorce and got my papers.
I used the the DB techniques and on Easter Sunday she tells me she's having second thoughts about the divorce. A week later she has not only called off the divorce, but pulled the filing.
Now, I was laid off in January and was having tough luck finding a job. If anyone is in my position, you know what I'm talking about.
Sunday morning she hands me a letter telling me that she wants a divorce. She says that she's tried, that we've been through marriage counseling twice, and she even called off the divorce to keep the family together. She says we'd all have been better off if we had divorced two years ago.
I cannot believe this is happening again. I am not a terrible person. I have never laid a hand on her or the children. I do not do drugs. I have never cheated.
Ironically, I was called for a job interview on Wednesday, Interviewed, and got the job on Thursday.
Apologies again...and I don't remember how to modify the original post...so I'll continue from where I left off...
Anyway, she says that she is miserable and she thinks the misery is going to affect the children. She wants a divorce because she believes that the stress from our "dysfunctional" marriage is causing her health problems and misery. In turn, this is making things worse for the kids.
I tell her that divorce isn't good for anyone. It's a bad idea financially, it is going to be bad for the kids, and it's not going to cure her misery because any problem she has with me isn't going to go away just because we're divorced. I ask for a separation first, but she says no.
Then she says something that is beyond my comprehension. She says that she wants a divorce and though she cannot promise me anything that if I get my act together (a job, etc.), maybe in like a year we can see if it works again. She says that she needs the divorce to separate herself from me, because unless we are divorced she will think that any changes I make will only be to stop the divorce.
I tell her fine. But we have not discussed since.
However, she does drop little things here and there. Like I told her I wanted to see this movie and asked her if she wanted to go. She said okay. Then a bit later, I tell her I had the job interview. She asks if I can take the kids to my parents with me (I needed to print something on their computer) and I tell her I can and ask where she's going. She gets mad and hangs up. Then she calls back and tells me "I need to know what's going on. First you ask me to see that movie, and now you're questioning where I'm going. I'm happy you got that interview, but I need you to know that nothing's changed. I want to make sure we're on the same page."
I told her that I asked if she wanted to see the movie because I thought she had mentioned that she wanted to see it. I asked where she was going because I was just curious. I wasn't keeping track, I just asked out of habit, I guess.
Then when I got the job on Thursday, her first remark was that we could put the kids on my insurance and she can just leave herself on hers. I tell her that with the plan if you go over two people, it fits under family, so it doesn't cost anything. She says she knows that.
So that's where I stand. I can elaborate. I hope Kassie and StillLovesHim are still around. I could use your input.
hey there! here I am! still dbing! Loving it too! Not really, but as much as I can be.
First of all, you've been here before. Ok. Not the best scenery, but you've seen it. And that does make it easier in that you know more what to expect.
Second, she only wants to divorce you for a year? What's the other guy's name? Does she work with him? Meet him at church maybe? That always cracks me up when they meet at church.
Update me. How many kids? How long married? How long on the roller coaster?
Anyway, yeah, I've been here before. There isn't another guy, at least I doubt it. If there is they are either miraculously good at what they do or it is the lamest affair ever. I say this simply because she is either home or with the kids. There isn't really a time when she could be with someone else even if she wanted to.
However, now she wants to separate for three months as a trial. While I'm okay with this, I really don't know that it is the answer.
This time I am much more calm and together, since I learned not jump in every time she says she wants to try.
I did tell her that she has issues that she needs to address and if she wants to fix things, not just in our marriage but in her life, she really needs to address them. She agreed. She also told me that I need to address mine as well. I agreed also.
We have been married nine years on the twenty-sixth. We have five year old twins (one boy and one girl) who are starting Kindergarden this wed.
There could be a guy, maybe an EA, someone she met on line? Maybe not though, let's hope.
What are you going to work on? What are your issues? And if she wants her trial for three months, give it to her. Let her know she's worth it. Her well being is important to you and you'll walk with her, behind her, in front of her or wait for her at home. If she's done nothing wrong, no other man, no abuse, just having a good nutty, then let her. Be there for her. I think that's sort of sexy.
She sounds just confused. She also sounds like she loves you. And three years....unfortunately while it's a long time, others have been doing it for that long or longer. It just makes you a pretty strong dude in my book.
Twins...how sweet....you much be crazy about them.
Alright...still confused as to who this is...Is this StillLovesHim or Kassie?
I know that three years is a long time,but I also know that it is not as long as some have been going through it. However, I am patient if nothing else. For the record, I can understand to an extent her feelings. I was home for seven months. Any sort of problem she had with me was intensified by me being there. Also, my being laid off put a huge financial strain on the marriage as well. On top of everything else, she is going through some personal issues that are unrelated to me, yet I think these issues tend to point out the worst points of me, if that makes sense.
On top of everything else, I may be loyal, but I have my faults. I am not the most together guy in the world. I can be a bit scatter-brained and don't always remember to do everything. Really, if I'm going to work on one thing, its that I have to be better organized. I rely on her too much to keep everything running. I will do what needs to be done, but often I have to be reminded that it needs to be done in the first place. With everything else that is going on, that can add a lot of stress to her life.
Ok, so good for you...you have some specific areas to work on. My advice, WRITE everything down. Put it in your phone palm pilot, whatever, a sticky note. Just get organized, relieve her burden some.
