You’re right. It makes more sense letting his wife think he is effeminate or a homosexual than it would for him to show a healthy sexual interest in his wife. How’d I miss that.
I'm a man . . . But I can change . . . If I have to . . . I guess . . .
You’re right. It makes more sense letting his wife think he is effeminate or a homosexual than it would for him to show a healthy sexual interest in his wife. How’d I miss that.
I think the point is that Thinker needs to plant the idea that he is both capable of, and might be, pursuing a sexual interest with anyone BUT his W. I agree with Thinker that going outside the M for that is wrong, but practicing by flirting is good. AND, if Mrs. Thinker suspects he is pursuing someone else, all the better.
I think if he shows a sexual interest, quite frankly, ANY interest more than just a friend/acquaintance, in his W, this would backfire.
Right now, SHE thinks she holds all the control. Thinker pursuing her at this time does nothing to pull that control back in Thinker's corner.
Oh yeah tonite I am going to pruse the little woman. See if I can win a game of Trivia Pruset.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
I'm not here to argue with you. I am a woman. I was in a similar place to his wife. With our marriage in shambles, I felt H's sexual pursuits as glossing over and completely self-centered. Objectively, I see now what was going on but in it, I felt objectified and could not relate to or respect his desire to be sexual with me given the way we were interacting and the shambles that our marriage was. Even when he was assertive or what you think is "manly" it felt desperate and just that he needed to get off; it did nothing to improve our R or our intimacy.
After H left, I found him more attractive and we had great sex. Why? He was being an a**hole BUT, we had become un-enmeshed and his issues felt less like my problem. I don't know how to explain. I suppose I saw him as a separate and sovereign man. The sex was amazing and it was a relief because I had previously thought I was frigid despite fantasizing about other men. I can almost guarantee that with 3 kids, depression, her mom dying, Thinkers wife has no sex drive...EAs are one thing but actual sex is another. I since stopped having sex with H because he had left our family and was openly pursuing other women and again, with no real relationship, intimacy, partnership, my sexual attraction has diminished. I'm just glad I know I am still a sexual creature and capable of it.
Pursuing a woman sexually who is depressed and has three young children, a mother dying and a marriage she laments is all but over...well, that is a crap-shoot if I've ever heard of one.
Then again, Thinker, you haven't got much to lose so maybe you should just go for it...better put on your brass balls in advance though.
The reason that I suggested to pursue (thanks Coach for the TYPO correction) is that his wife sees him as . . . well . . . a gelding. I can't see how acting as one is going to change her mind. And obviously what he has been doing doesn't seem to be working. But it is his life.
I certainly wouldn't be running off after other women. That is only going to make things worse.
I'm a man . . . But I can change . . . If I have to . . . I guess . . .
BTW, I agree with AliveandKicking because I have been down the pursuit path several times - THAT is definitely a cheeseless tunnel.
It has been supremely frustrating to me, but even the most confident, loving and direct approaches are met with a distressed "Stop That! You know I don't want it!". A softer, more gentle pursuit puts me into "Pathetic Puppy Dog" (No offense Puppy if you are reading this - not directed at you), while a stronger approach puts me at risk of an assault charge.
Direct Strong and Confident: YES!
Not putting up with any Bullsh1t: YES!
Sexual come-on's toward Mrs. Thinker - NO, Not right now.
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
He doesn't need to go after other women. But he does need to do what makes him feel manly and confident. He can't hit her bullseye cause she keeps moving the dart board. He needs to meet his own standards.
Again, I used to fight Gucci on this but I see now that until you value yourself and see yourself as viable and able to thrive without your M, it is nearly impossible to pull this off. Flirting, dating, getting attention helps.
Aloof is about as manly as it gets from a woman's pov. Moreso than overtly sexual. And she is an insecure, juvenile woman right now so the rules are different than if were discussing a mature R.
You can't pull off aloof without really feeling it...
In my defense, Thinker has already offered his wife what I wanted (an expressed desire to put the M first and function as a team) so she and I differ in some ways. But overall, this sounds familliar.
Aloof is about as manly as it gets from a woman's pov.
That is how you get a cat to jump in your lap.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
See if I can win a game of Trivia Pruset. 
