Scared and need advice

[Laurie]

Dear LFA,
You and I talked about trying to slow down this process, but this might be a time when you are forced to take steps to work with your H if he is getting pretty angry. So, below is an example of a hypothetical response that continues to clarify your desires for the M, yet offers some willingness on your part to work with your H. My example is just to offer a chance for you to explore what you think would be most helpful.

Notice that I am encouraging him to take the next step to define what he thinks is fair and to do it by email. I am keeping in mind how hard it has been for you (in previous meetings) to understand what your H is thinking. It didn't seem like a face-to-face meeting would be very productive (could be just frustrating, right?), unless he at least offers his thoughts in some tangible way for you to understand. What do you think about that, LFA?


OK...here are the quotes I am responding to:

I also know this seems sudden to you but I've been carrying my dissatisfaction around for a couple of years. I don't know why I didn't say something sooner...

Thank you for acknowledging that this is sudden to me, as you have taken years to get here and I've only had a very short time. Yes, I have needed some time to get over the shock. And, as you know I would like to work on our M, but I am now beginning to understand how determined you are to pursue this.

In talking to the attorney, she suggested that the cheapest and best way to do this is as a dissolution. That means we have to agree on everything (the house, the stuff in the house, the dogs, etc...). He says we need to sit down and figure all that out.

I want to do this the best way, too. I am willing to sit down with you to discuss the house, our stuff, and the dogs. H, it will be very helpful if you let me know before we meet, what you think is fair. I want our next meeting to go better and I know getting things communicated before we meet will really help. Then, I will get right back to you to so we can arrange a meeting to talk it through. I am really sorry it has come to this. I wished it could be different, but I will take the steps to work with you on this.

LFA, he is certainly pushing at this point. If you offer to work with him, I wonder if he will be less intense about pushing this. He may not, but right now he may feel he has to get pushy if he thinks you are resisting. If you take the "perceived" resistance away, he possibly might push a bit less.

Take care dear LFA.