Bluerain, my point is that I have already tried to examine why my wife became LD. We've been to marriage counseling and sex therapy together, she's had her hormones checked, we've been together on many nice vacations, etc. But after all that, she still has zero interest in sex.
Basically, she would rather that I quietly take care of my needs without her, as long as it doesn't disrupt our lives.
Bluerain, was it the case that you knew your H was HD? And if you were not having sex with him, just what did you think he'd do? In my case, I told my wife long ago that I wouldn't sit still for an SSM. And I've brought up the topic many times. If you were in my wife's shoes at this point, how could you possibly not get it? How could you possibly be surprised at the outcome?
I've never heard a woman say, "Thank goodness he asked me for a divorce because of the lack of sex before he went out and had sex with someone else." Would you have been any less devastated if he'd simply filed for divorce first?
This brings to mind the phenomenon I've seen in several other marriages, where the spouse seems incapable of grasping the situation until they're literally hit on the head with an affair. I had a friend whose wife had shut him off. He threatened to have an affair, but she thought he was bluffing. Nothing changed for several years until he actually went out and had an affair. Apparently, that's the wake-up call she needed, and they are now back together.
Bluerain, can you truthfully say that if your husband had not had an affair, but told you that he was considering it, would have you have taken him seriously? Or would you have dismissed it as just more of the same complaining he was already doing about the lack of sex in your marriage?
