Well I am back and quite discouraged. I tried ignoring H before my family arrived and H still never talked R nor did H do anything positive or negative. While family was here H participated for the most part and actually seemed to enjoy being with most of my family. After family left last week I was so exhausted. Our wedding anniversary occurred over family trip and H simply ignored it which really hurt but had my cry alone and had enough family around to keep spirits up. After they left I was at an all time low, no more distractions just back to the roller coaster ride. At end of last week H put his arms around me and wondered if we could have sex. I told him that if he was leaving me no. I asked when he was going to leave and he said he did not know and asked if we could still make it together after everything he has said and done. I told I had the capacity for forgiveness but we had a lot of work to do and would not be turning back to the marriage we had - it would have to be new. H said nothing. In fact, H told me he wished he could stay but H thinks I deserve better and too much has transpired so he should go; however, he doesn't want to do the work involved to leave. So again, I am twisting in the wind. Again, I let myself have hope and thought being he was staying and had not brought up D he may have changed his mind. However, I was wrong and could not help myself but cry in front of H and tell him how much it hurt. He actually asked if it did not work out for him if he could come back. I asked him how could he say that when he won't even go to one counseling session but yet I should still be open to reconciliation. I told him I thought that was unfair but could not predict the future.
He is going to go isn't he, why the torture...he is making it so difficult and awful that we will have nothing left. And, H won't leave!
Help,
Michele M 42 H 41 Married 16 years Together 20 yrs. No kids D papers still on table Bomb dropped 5/16/09
