I thought a woman's point of view might be helpful, and as I've had those same feelings about my H from time to time, I thought something I had to say might help. Maybe not.
Now, I KNOW my H isn't gay, but there are times I want to tell him to put on his big boy pants and be a man. He is over-considerate (to everyone, really), never expresses what he wants, and sometimes lets me run all over him. I'm a pretty forceful person (my mother raised me to be really strong), and before he bombed me, I'd just wage war and get what I wanted. Now I consciously step back and try to get him to say what he actually wants.
Which is still like pulling teeth most of the time. I mean, how hard is it to just express a preference?
If it were up to me, I'd have my H have more of an opinion, state what he wants, GO FOR what he wants (especially sexually...the tentative oh-I-so-hope-she'll-let-me is just a turnoff. I want him to come up and lay a big smacker on me...you know, knock me off my feet.
My H was more like this when we were dating, and somehow along the way I found out he'd handed his nuts over to me in a mason jar. Partly my fault, I know.
Women want men who are clear, decisive, strong, have clear boundaries and are confident.
Part of it right now with your W is her state of mind...and part of it is that something is lacking from you in that department.
Your comments to her seem to tiptoe...overly concerned and polite. The cold, hard truth would be better. That's not being mean, it's being truthful.
"I'm sorry that you're in a state of confusion, W, but I am not now nor never have been gay. You don't have to manufacture excuses if you want to leave; just put your big girl panties on and do it."
Or something like that...guys, you'd know how to wordsmith that better.
I had to be softer with my H when he dropped the bomb, but I think that was necessary because I am female and I needed to let him get his manhood back. That giant bomb earned more respect from me than all the wishy-washy passive aggressiveness that had come before.
SD
Me: 40 H: 43 H had EA from 2/06-9/06 Bomb 5/06 Piecing since 9/2006 3/2008: Boundary setting 7/2009: Boundary crossing~dropped my own bomb. 8/2010: Marriage finally on track!
..the tentative oh-I-so-hope-she'll-let-me is just a turnoff. I want him to come up and lay a big smacker on me...you know, knock me off my feet.
Just a quick note to any women who are following along here...if you are seeing this, take a look at your own actions.
In my case, I can clearly see the tentativeness, but I can also see when/how it began. We had a rough period a couple of years ago with the birth of our 2nd child and the death of my W's father. This lead to a LONG period when most sexual advances on my part lead to an emotional rejection.
It was like trying to open an electrified door - sometimes the electricity is off and you can open it safely; more often than not it is off and you get get an unpleasant painful shock when you touch the knob. "Manhood" says the man should just suck it up and keep going at it with unfailing confidence, but after a couple of years of this sort of unpredictable rejection, well...you get a little tentative about reaching for the doorknob.
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
"I noticed that although you promised to delete him, you have not done so. Please do so. It is important."
Thinker, you must admit this does sound like a girl...just replace the him with her...
Don't read too much into one half-remembered and quickly written sentence. Just because something is worded politely, does not mean it is was not forceful and direct.
Not getting defensive here - I like the dialog.
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
Thinker, in spite of everything, I feel horrible that I put H through that.
All I can say is that I understand. And I don't think you should approach her sexually. She has rejected you and insulted you. I think there are other ways you can exhibit your confidence...
I think dating might be weird while you live with her but can you at least get out and flirt? All of that rejection has surely eroded your confidence. I didn't agree with Gucci before but I do now. We are social and sexual creatures. You need to feel viable and desired. IMO.
I think dating might be weird while you live with her but can you at least get out and flirt? All of that rejection has surely eroded your confidence. I didn't agree with Gucci before but I do now. We are social and sexual creatures. You need to feel viable and desired. IMO.
Dating is not only weird, but out of the question for now. I am trying to hold her to a mutual "No External R's" rule. I can't simultaneously enforce this for her and openly date myself. So, as long as she continues to agree not to date...
Flirting, however, is a different question. Most of the social events I go to are family events where the other women are my friends wives, so flirting there is pretty much a non-starter, but that's what business trips are for...
There are also a few ex-girlfriends on my facebook page - purely for effect on my part - but which do bother my W.
Last edited by Thinker; 08/17/0905:19 PM.
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
