Hey clueless, it does seem like we have very similar cases. I am trying my best to have patience and take a long view on things. We'll see where this takes us...
H35 W34 S4 | T-10 yrs M-6 yrs WAW said M over 04/09 | Living separate since 09/09 Thread #1 Thread #2 Thread #3
It has been a little while since I posted things here. I have been doing my DB stuff, doing OK. We have moved ahead with getting the house ready to sell. We have a target date to list a few weeks out from now, things are progressing. The other day we signed the agreement with the realtor, and the WAW commented that she didn't think I would do it. She still thinks I am this person who she can't trust and is out to fight her in every way. I am glad when she observes that not happening.
This weekend WAW found a place she will rent. Good neighborhood, safe, good for her commute to work and for school next year perhaps. She said she dreaded coming home because she thought I would be angry and upset since she had found a place. Again, proved her wrong.
We did some packing this weekend. Boxed up picture frames, some "knick knacks" from the wedding, etc. I saw her shed some tears, and she said this is all really hard and this was not the life she ever pictured having, and even though she has thought about leaving me for years things are getting very real. She is most vocal about the financial hit of this all, and has stressed that many times as well as that I have spent money when we were married in a manner she didn't like as a main reason to the demise for our relationship.
I tried to remember some great words I saw on this board, from SmileyPerson and others, and hopefully channeled some of it. Told it is hard on us all, but we need to get some space so we all can think about things and get some freedom to breath.
Today she could barely get out of bed to go to work. She really was out of it, like she had a huge case of depression hit her. I think it is fair to say she is having a hard time with the reality of this all. I am too, but I am doing pretty well.
My biggest concern right now is how to talk to S4 about this. I am more concerned than WAW right now; she thinks he is too young to understand but I think he will get it more than she thinks. She also is coming from a family that parents divorced when she was 7, and she thinks of it as a positive thing. I'll be researching more on how to talk to my son, but any advice out there is appreciated.
So in the next few weeks she will be moving out, and S4 will primarily live there and me about 35% of the time. I'll stay at the house until we sell and close, then find a new place. I am trying to focus on me, detaching, and dealing tactically with WAW and her struggles. I'll be hitting the boards more to read and review. Right now, as much as possible, "just smile and wave" is the motto.
H35 W34 S4 | T-10 yrs M-6 yrs WAW said M over 04/09 | Living separate since 09/09 Thread #1 Thread #2 Thread #3
My biggest concern right now is how to talk to S4 about this. I am more concerned than WAW right now; she thinks he is too young to understand but I think he will get it more than she thinks. She also is coming from a family that parents divorced when she was 7, and she thinks of it as a positive thing. I'll be researching more on how to talk to my son, but any advice out there is appreciated.
Coach had a great way he handled this, although I believe his kids were older than your S. He made his W (Greek) do all the talking. He was present. When his W was finished, Coach looked at his children and asked them if they had any questions of him. If I have to have this talk, that's how I'm planning on handling it. Goes along with the don't resist but don't assist mentality.
I have wondered if God forbid it came to that for us. I have a 6yo and a 4yo. I like the way Coach handled it. I hope and pray it never comes to that, but I will be prepared. My 4yo is very clingy of both of us, but especially me. I would really hate to see his reaction if we separated.
Me-40 W-41 Together-10 M-8 S-6 S-4 Bomb 5/08 Bomb 10/08 Thought things were better, was wrong. Still living together Wife doesn't think she will ever love me again.
My son is fairly clingy these days to, to both of us. It is going to be tough. Sounds like a good approach, though I have no idea how my W will deal with that approach or what she would say.
Still also wondering what to do with W in how she is acting right now (crying, acting very depressed, etc). I know the usual DB approach is to back off, let her go it alone. I just think I am only letting her continue to resent me more if I don't do something to show I empathize with what she is going through.
H35 W34 S4 | T-10 yrs M-6 yrs WAW said M over 04/09 | Living separate since 09/09 Thread #1 Thread #2 Thread #3
Still also wondering what to do with W in how she is acting right now (crying, acting very depressed, etc). I know the usual DB approach is to back off, let her go it alone. I just think I am only letting her continue to resent me more if I don't do something to show I empathize with what she is going through.
Loving detachment. Be there to listen to her and validate her feelings - not to accept or condone her decision. But she has to understand this is HER decision and that if she wants this path, she's got to put on her big girl panties.
If she cannot understand the reality of the consequences of her choice, you reaching out to her won't change that. It likely will only make it easier for her to continue on her current path b/c, in her mind, she isn't really losing you.
In concept, I understand what I need to do. In day-to-day interactions, it gets cloudy. So I'll just do the best I can, which is all we can do right?
She emailed me a bit ago, as I was to go pick up S from daycare as she had a work function to go to. She says she is not going now since, as she wrote, "I am obviously feeling awful so won't be going tonight." I guess it could all be worse - she could be ambivalent to the whole thing, even excited. Perhaps there is some hope still in all this.
H35 W34 S4 | T-10 yrs M-6 yrs WAW said M over 04/09 | Living separate since 09/09 Thread #1 Thread #2 Thread #3
WAW has been a wreck all night, said she was crying most of the day and a mess at work and mad at me because this is all my fault and she cant deal with it all, etc etc. Listened, validated, focused on S and myself. She is in the basement completely drained and "non functional." I'm reading upstairs and going to bed soon.
H35 W34 S4 | T-10 yrs M-6 yrs WAW said M over 04/09 | Living separate since 09/09 Thread #1 Thread #2 Thread #3
The theme of last night was a) WAW angry that now I am being "father of the year" when before I didn't care and 2) WAW says "I know you bad mouth me to your family." Ugh.
H35 W34 S4 | T-10 yrs M-6 yrs WAW said M over 04/09 | Living separate since 09/09 Thread #1 Thread #2 Thread #3
