Trying to stay strong

[mac-ct]

Ahhh - the H is taking notice of his W.

Wonder why? Pillock

You enjoy yourself girl. You deserve it.

I did a BAD thing - I spent some money on myself and bought a new clock radio that works with the iPhone.

Dammit - I work hard. Don't buy much but to heck with it - this time

Don't try to out-think him - it'll put you in a tail spin. Not worth it.

Don't worry about the things unsaid. There will be more opportunities I promise.

And here's Mac calling the Kettle Black

Mac

[hopeful_cb]

Sometimes you just have to treat yourself. I never used to spend money on myself thinking I didnt really need xxxx so should just save the money. I'm not going crazy spending or anything, but it took me a while to realize I work hard, I deserve to reward myself occasionally. I went out and bought myself a new ipod a few months ago. Its the best thing I had done in a long time. It gets lots of use, makes me happy to listen to and keeps the thoughts at bay when my head starts spinning. Guess that was a 180 for me, I never would have got myself something like that in the past. So dont worry about the new purchase!

journaling..
Other things I noticed yesterday when H was around...
He commented that I had rearranged the living room, seemed surprised. I had also taken down the wedding photo, Im sure he noticed.
He noticed my bikini hanging up (as I'd been to the pool)
He saw a business card on the table and had to take a second look at it, checking out what it was. A guy I met gave me it and said to call him if 'i get bored and wanna hang out' (i didnt) too bad it said finance and leasing on it, he probably just assumed its to do w the house.
He suggested future plans of interactions together, I didnt bring up or comment on.
He offered help, saying if I would like he can come pick up my mail while im gone and pay any bills for me that come while im away, so i dont have to worry about it. (I said thanks but I've arranged someone to do that for me, didnt say who)
He looked me in the eyes while quite close and he said 'I'm still the same person I always was, thats not changed'

My plan: get packed, go away for the 2 weeks have a fabulous time, dont initiate any contact, look great ;), keep busy and then get back into full swing when I get back. I have my eye on starting several new activities that begin in Sept, so will just go for it, fill my time, I've got nothing to lose.

[hopeful_cb]

I had a really busy day today and will have the same tomorrow. I have so much I need to get done by tomorrow night!

I put the music on this morning on my way to work and this song called 'He'll be back' was playing. Ha is that a sign? Just had to laugh.

My head is spinning! I've gotta stop thinking this is doing me no good.

[mnt_dreams]

I do the same thing when I hear a song that seems applicable to my sitch... maybe he will be back, and maybe he's taking notice of the positive changes you've been making. Seems that way to me anyway!

Have a safe, fun trip home. You're doing great!

[mac-ct]

Good morning dai,

So today is the day for your trip. Hope you managed to get everything packed.

You sure have everything planned

Will check in with you later (after a hard day at work)

Hugs

Mac

[mac-ct]

YOW - sorry hopeful - should have waited until I'd woken up before posting

I meant to type "Good morning hopeful...."

OOOPS.

Mac (with a focus problem)

[hopeful_cb]

Well I made it here alright. I had a bit of a send off party on Friday night which was really good fun even if it wasn't the best idea right before flying! but I dont regret it, lots of fun.

I got my hair cut and colored and I love the change.

H text me friday night to say he hopes i have a great time. I basically said thanks I will. normally i would get in touch to let H know i got here safely but i havent this time. he knows where i am if he wants to find out.

My sister ended up having her baby the same day i was flying in so everyone was running around trying to figure out how to get us both where we needed to go. my brother picked me up from the airport and then we made the 2 hr drive home but headed straight to the hospital to see them all. It was a boy and they are both doing well. they probably will come home today.

thanks for all the well wishes guys. and i hope H is noticing too but trying not to get my hopes up. hope you all are doing ok out there!

[kara]

Have a great time, hopeful.

Oh, and I think you need to change the name of your thread to Staying Strong.

[hopeful_cb]

Im back! thanks for the comments guys, I had a great time. I was sad to leave but things should fall into place soon (hopefully). I havent spoke to or even thought about H much. I left him and his drama here, went and had a blast with lots of different people, friends and family.

i have some practical things i need to sort out w H but i dont really want to contact him for that, im going to call the companies and see if there is any way i can just do it myself. i dont know if he even knows im back now or what, but it doesnt really affect me or what im doing. he had said he wanted to see me 'properly' when i get back, whatever that means. im sure it has fallen far from his crazy mind by now. i dont know if i even want to.

i have decided i am definitely going to move and will start looking at places this week. i have been super busy and been having lots of fun so my aim is to keep that going now that im home too.

I will try and catch up with some reading this week, but I hope you are all doing well (hugs!)

[hopeful_cb]

Ive not been online much as my internet was off for about a week, but i am now back up and running. i am back into the swing of things at work and things seem to be going well.

Journaling....
I did have a really hard night last night for the first time in quite a while. To make things worse I watched a movie that ended up being really sad, eventho it had a happy ending and that set me off and i didnt really get back up for the night. i also feel like its hard being away from all my family again and its a holiday weekend so i know they are all having a good time together which makes me sad that im not there too.

last week was fine when i returned home, i was really tired and got back to normal things quickly. i had a good weekend eventho it was rather uneventful, i was so glad to rest and catch up on things for myself. but everything hit me hard sunday night and i started to fall apart. i eventually got to sleep but woke up about 4am and didnt really get back to sleep before i had to get up for work. i had a bad morning at work following the bad night, but half way thru the day i started to feel better as i was surrounded by people and busy-ness. I had a boring meeting followed by some good training. and i started to think maybe i was being a bit dramatic this morning.

I had some contact via email w H last week and well to be honest i was v to the point and business like, i stated what i needed and that i would take care of x, i didnt answer his question 'am i back in the country?' bc well i felt it was obvious i was otherwise i wouldnt asking about a certain bill company. and i didnt comment on him saying he hopes i had a good time. so yeh maybe i did come across cold, but i was feeling v direct and no nonsense and i was annoyed at the little mess i had to come back to regarding the bill problems. so maybe that is my fault, not facilitating a good 'environment' for friendly communication. i didnt feel like laying a golden path for him. so anyway didnt hear from him the rest of the week. maybe what is coming across in my actions is anger, maybe he can see/feel that.

today i got a text saying hi, wanted to let u know im going away for a week or so, will talk to u when i get back. hope u r doing well.

it kind of made me angry. i didnt respond, dont know if i should. i mean i could be glad he thought i should know if he is away in case of emergency or something. i just thought what kind of person goes away and doesnt know when he is coming back, 'a week or so', yeh ok whatever. i felt like saying have a nice time w your adulteress whore of a gf, but i didnt, i mean i dont even know if they are together, or if they would go away together, they both work together so dont even know if they would b allowed time off at the same time. and either way that is the last thing i want to waste my time thinking about. ok so the whole 2nd half of this paragraph is complete mind reading and speculation, i think its the anger again, so anyway stopping that.

so anyway nothing has changed w my sitch but i am angry. i feel like i should respond to the text.