One of the things that`s keeping me in the M is the conversation I had with BIL in November. He`s been through therapy for five years to deal with his passive agressive issues. He believes H has similar difficulties. All resulting from their parents` abusive relationship.

H initially agreed with him and had an epiphany that lasted maybe five days. After that, he shut down and said he wasn`t pass ag. It was easy stick that label on anyone. It was his borhter`s problem not his, etc,etc. He went to a few counselling sessions then with two different counsellors( he says ten sessions in all). Didn`t get any further on the pass ag issue-just further with the denials and clarifying the problem in his marriage(ie me!).

I`m pinning my hopes on his having another epiphany.The more I stand back and see the dynamic of our past R the more I see pass ag issues in operation.

I`ve learnt through DB not to get angry or upset. Just my staying calm has made a huge difference to me.And I realised how much H needs me to be angry/upset.

I`ve learnt not to be in control. Let H make decisions. One of the complaints he`s had is that he`s not in charge of his own life-does things to please everyone else. I let him bring up R talk/S talk.

A biggie for me was to learn to listen. Wow! Shut up AND validate what the guy has to say! That was such a huge 180 for me.

I`ve also learnt to set boundaries on H`s behaviour towards me. So I`ve stopped him when he starts shouting at or insulting me. I won`t take bad language either. That has improved the quality of our conversations.

I don`t point out my changes to H. I just try to be the change. Any of our issues he`s brought up I`m working on not for him though-for me! I`m staying in therapy as long as I can as I look forward to that process every week and it has helped take me to a spiritual place. And that has impacted so positively on all my relationships with everyone. I feel I am finally becoming the me I was meant to be.

But hey, I`m not a martyr to the cause. I really don`t know if this new me will be what H wants or needs at this point in his life-or the future. I`m glad I`ve left that decision to him for now. Unfortunately doing that just makes the lion rattle and roar around in his cage all the more.He`ll probably try every trick in his arsenal now to make me renge on that position.

I wonder all the time if I love him. I just hope there`s a better guy inside waiting to get out.

Off today with a gf for some retail therpapy, lunch and fun!That helps too!