So pleased that you're getting away from "things" for a while. You really DO need friends and some peace to think things out.
Don't overdo it here.
I know it's so hard on you - been there, done that - but it truly does get better. Slow progress (unless you happen to be heartless - and you are not). And the odd backslide doesn't help (also been there done that a few times).
Please look after yourself. Enjoy yourself. Show that to your friends and to the world.
Oz, Is the place a good fit for you and your DD? If so, go ahead. Don't be mean about it, but let him deal with his own stuff.
I told my H when he moved out that he was free to leave whatever he wanted here (he claimed that the apartment he was moving to was quite small, and truthfully this house could hold two or three times as much as it does). Now I kinda wish I hadn't done that, because there's still so much of his junk here pulling on my energy, even though I have shuffled things around so that I don't have to look at it much. But because I said that to him, I don't feel right about getting rid of it, and we haven't communicated at all in three months, so it's not like I want to call him up and tell him to come get his stuff.
Originally Posted By: girlfromoz
I haven't bought the DR book yet, should I get that one and read it as well. I have read DB and re-read it.
Definitely get DR; it is a little more focused for those of us whose M's are on life support. You can probably get it from the library if you prefer, and buy it if you think it would be helpful (I'm a big fan of the library! I would go broke if I were still buying all of my books--I read [or listen to] about one book a day). Oh, wait, I don't know what Australia has in the way of libraries...I happen to live in an area with a very good library system, and can easily get almost any book that's published, but maybe you don't have that option.
Originally Posted By: girlfromoz
One more thought, should stop thinking. Should I tell him that I enjoyed our time Friday night and Saturday together, or not? - is that coming across as too needy and clingy? - probably.
I know I probably need a good clip across the ears to wake me up.
Don't tell him you enjoyed your time together over the weekend unless he brings it up. You can--and should--mention such a thing casually at the time it is happening, but bringing it up again later seems clingy.
Take care of yourself.
Peace, Dawn
Me 45/H 47, no kids Together since 1985; M/1992 Bomb1 (EA-OW1, age 22) 2001 Bomb2 (EA/PA-OW2, age 22) 10/2007, A continues H left 11/24/08 minimal contact, no legal action http://tinyurl.com/DawnHope1
I do have a good time when I am with friends, but then when H joins us, it puts me on edge as I don't know whether the evil or good twin has joined us. I try to keep the happy side of me going but I can feel I am not as relaxed.
You are right, I am not heartless and therein lies the problem, he knows I am not, I am extremely soft and it sounds stupid but I still melt when I see him.
I think that is why part of me would like to have some of his stuff still with me, as it means he would still have to come around in order to use his stuff (ski) and that gives opportunities for him to see the person he is now missing out on.
I will have to buy the DR book as our libraries here, unless you live near the major ones, tend to be very limited in resource material.
I did tell him on the Friday night and Saturday that I enjoyed our time together, I guess I just wanted to confirm it or felt I needed to, yes clingy.
Thanks again for your wise advice. Will take care of myself, just a slow process as I have always put everyone before myself. So it is the breaking the habit part that is hard.
I know this would be very obvious, but your need and love for him probably contributed to the current state of affairs, and it's still making it way too easy for him.
It's helpful to work towards getting to that place where it really doesn't hurt your day no matter which H shows up when yo udo meet him. Great for you if it's the angel, not so great for him if it ain't. And you're still the fabulous you in either case.
Me 42 W 39 Married: 11 Jan 1998, T: Since 1992 First Bomb: Sep 2007 Confirmed A/OM: 4 Nov 2007 Kids: D10, S5 Reconciled and together again after (alot of) time and heartbreak. 3rd kid, S, born 2 Jan 2010.
I agree fully that my need and love for him has contributed to everything as I literally became the doormat over 26 years together.
I am trying to get myself to the point where my day is not affected by his mood, my problem is the emotions are still running wild at the moment and I think until I get my D and I sorted in a house at the end of next week, I probably won't be able to fully get to that point until then, as much as it will kill me when he actually leaves us on that day. That day is going to be hard but I am going to have to pull on every bit of strength I have to remain calm and not get emotional when he goes. My S will be home that day to help me as well.
I am trying very very hard to GAL and show an always happy upbeat Oz, it just isn't coming naturally and easily yet.
I know I'll get there with everyone's guidance and support. I just know that the next week and a bit are going to be tough.
I think that is why part of me would like to have some of his stuff still with me, as it means he would still have to come around in order to use his stuff (ski) and that gives opportunities for him to see the person he is now missing out on.
Hi, Oz, You seem to be getting the hang of this pretty well, so that is good.
I am sorry to have to tell you that having his stuff around might not help with giving him more opportunity to see your changes. My H has been a big bicycling fanatic for 20 years, and even got me to enjoy it, first to be with him, and now for myself. I noticed that he was slacking off on his biking last summer, which I believe was partially due to the fact that he was spending most of his free time on OW, so he didn't have a lot of time left over for other activities.
When he moved out, he didn't take his bike. He claimed it was because the apartment he was moving to was too small for it, and there was no garage or anything, although maybe he would come get it and carry it around in his car when summer came. What apartment is too small for a bicycle, for heaven's sake? Especially since it doesn't look like you're taking more than three pieces of furniture?? But okay, whatever you say, H.
Well, his bike is still here, although we are nearing the end of the summer's prime biking season. Still a couple of months of decent biking weather, but at least three or four months of it are already gone for this year. H hasn't contacted me at all in over 3 months, although he did come to pick up our extra car after he had a wreck in his in May, and I happen to know the damage was fixed within a week, so he apparently now has 2 cars at his garageless apartment, while there is space for another car in the garage here at the house, and he's always been a bit of a nut about keeping the cars garaged as much as possible. Sometimes with MLCers, all you can do is shake your head and laugh at their insanity!
So, that was a bit long-winded, but I think you get the point. I think that offering to store his stuff just so you can see him more is a bit clingy, and may very well not work out the way you hope. If he asks, then that might be a bit different, but in any case, do what seems best for YOU.
Originally Posted By: girlfromoz
Thanks again for your wise advice. Will take care of myself, just a slow process as I have always put everyone before myself. So it is the breaking the habit part that is hard.
You're welcome. BTW, I am not planning to be around Newcomers as much, so if you want my advice on something in particular, post to me on my thread (see my signature for the link) and I will get the notification.
And on the other bit...it is a process. Just try to keep improving a little at a time, and when you backslide (which everyone does sometimes), get back on the horse immediately and keep going.
Peace and blessings, Dawn
Me 45/H 47, no kids Together since 1985; M/1992 Bomb1 (EA-OW1, age 22) 2001 Bomb2 (EA/PA-OW2, age 22) 10/2007, A continues H left 11/24/08 minimal contact, no legal action http://tinyurl.com/DawnHope1
Thank you so much, I can see your point, I will find a property to suit me and if he asks to store stuff I will but I won't offer. Start thinking of me not him after all he hasn't thought of me and what his actions have done and will continue to do as he goes along looking after himself and his needs.
Nothing to report at this end, H still going about his merry way, getting up and doing the normal things that he has always been done. Comes home once again doing the things and behaving as he always has done. Very strange, coming to accept that and now making an effort to take no notice.
Have decided that today my goal is to find a house no matter what it takes.
Will check in later, hope everyone has a good day/night.
I have just realised something, I am no longer constantly checking my phone to see if I have any missed calls or messages from H. I hope this is a good sign.
