In Utter Agony...Long 1st Post

[eternaloptimist]

I used to be like that, too. Ironically I found that when I stood up for myself, having boundaries and not letting H encroach on them there was actually less conflict. I would let H rage on and not really do anything. My C told me say to him something like if you're here to see the kids, then do that. If you're to yell at me, then you need to leave." I said that to him and he said you're right or something like that. Another time he was saying something derogatory about me, something really nasty. I called him on it and said what you just said wasn't appropriate, I don't want you to talk to me like that. He thought about it a couple minutes and came into me and said you're right and apologized! I think people like that tend to look on "nice" people as weak, and they respect you when you have boundaries and maintain them. I still try to be nice and polite, but no more doormat stuff...

Hi, Karen. Thanks! Yeah, I tend to be too nice but that was one of the things that he says attracted him to me. Before H moved out, I bought new sheets for our son's bed at H's house even though H has not bought a bed yet b/c I know money is so tight for him. He has less than $200 for food each month, so I know he is starving. So when he stops by, if I have extra food, I give him some every once in awhile, not every visit. I see this as just being considerate. It used to make him mad and he'd say, "You don't have to cook for me!" in a nasty way. I calmly replied, "Well, no, I made this for me and our son. But I have extra if you'd like some." Tonight, he seemed appreciative when I gave him some pasta salad.

I'm treading lightly b/c he has terrible mood swings and is quite volatile. I just never know what is going to set him off. He has some type of personality disorder (I think borderline personality disorder even though it is more commonly seen in women), so my anger has turned into compassion. He has a mental illness and is very good at covering it up with most people b/c he doesn't let anyone get too close to him. Watching him self-destruct is very painful. Aside from his mental illness and unhappiness, we had so much to be grateful for as a family. He's throwing it all away. Most people would probably love to have the life we had up until 2 weeks ago...