In Limbo

[d1adsl5a]

Beginer,

I am in. I am in. I have started to do the work. And I do like what I see. I see that her feelings in general have been muted for a long time. Mine in turn became muted in general as well. You end up sorted of mirroring your Wife's mood or demeanor over time. Not trying to sound sappy, but it has made me more emotional of a person vs. the stoic guy I could sometimes seem like. I do see many of the areas that were not good. I just wish I could have seen/heard her crying out like she did in that letter. The truth is she kept much of it inside. It is rare that I seen her cry due to her tough exterior. Growing up in the household she did, I can understand. I knew she was hurting about her past, just never knew to this degree. I can't abandon her at this point, know what she is truly going through.

Thanks.

[d1adsl5a]

Mach,

I made my first step not talking to someone today who asked me how I was doing. So lets call this day 1. To this point, I have been able to keep most of it under raps as to who I was talking to about things. The issue really is my family, couldn't really hide it from them. She more or less has "divorced" them already. This was her decision to not face them. My family would welcome her back. They do see the pain she is in and understand the baggage. Glad you agree that you see it as a MLC. I was starting to question what it really was after this letter. I just hope she does figure things out. You are right from an earlier note. I am here because I have chosen to stay and try. Leaving at this point would give me so many what if's...She needs so much help, I just hope she gets it. The old crew she is now hanging out with that she terms her "dear friends" are either divorced, alcoholics, recovering alcoholics, 40+ and single etc....Not the best crew for a support group. It is guilt free fun for her. Nothing wrong with it. I just feels it delays the process of her really trying to come to terms with what is going on within her. I know I can't fix anything but watch on the sidelines with the kids. Everything surrounds her "friends" at this point because her whole family thinks that she is horrible for doing this. I just want to raise my hand and say--the friend you need is right here, your family is right here...But I do know she cannot see that right now.

I have validated her pain. I also learn every day what works and what doesn't. Yesterday was a bad day for me after reading this. Today is much better. I am/have done the work to make a better me, just hope she actually starts. I suppose recognizing how you got here is the first step...

[dl443322]

Ok, good. Listen, try to break up your posts in paragraphs. It's a little easier for the old folks like me to read.

Believe me when I tell you, that you have to let go of what you didnt realize in the past. It will eat you up inside. It took me a long time to figure that out. The sooner you begin that process, the better off you'll be.

Trust that you did the best that you could with the knowledge and tools that you had at the time. There is nothing you can do to change what happened. The only thing you can do is do better now.

I know that it might seem like getting the focus off your wife and onto you and the kids is counterproductive. But, she needs to go on this journey for herself. If you try to help her through it, it will interrupt the process.

So, good for you that you are looking at yourself and things you can change, GALing and getting in touch with your issues and feelings.

Do what you have to for you and your children.

This is probably one of the hardest things you will ever go through, but, it is an opportunity of a lifetime.

[Mach1]

D1 =Day one....

The thing about MLC is the search.....The confusion....

Her new friends.....They are what they are, and they HAVE to exist for her to process this....

MLC'ers know that they are broken, that is not the question for them....

In the confusion of themselves, They try to fix everyone around them before they start on themselves...

All of her friends, and yes, they will come and go, will be broken in some way....

If you judge them, then you will be the manipulative and controlling person that you have been accused of, hence supporting her accusations....

Speaking of control, I , as most here, have been accused of that....

Truth is ? We ALL are....

That is what the majority of the battles you face will be about .....Who is in control.....

Read on controlling personalities, it will surprise you my friend...

The family thing ? GUILT.....

Get through day one..that is the task for you.....


You can do this D, and a lot of really good people here will help you....

[d1adsl5a]

Cat,

I do understand now how she thought I was controlling. I made the mistake of telling her what I have learned. Didn't get much validation as expected. Mach said to watch the finances. I am. But I did ask her for the 10th time in the marriage to start paying the bills. She finally agreed a few weeks ago. Hopefully, this will help her see I wasn't all that controlling financially. Want to see what she will do this month--Have a $5k visa bill, $1,100 mortgage, $1,000 catholic grammar school bill, $600 sam's club, utilities, etc....This way hopefully she will see the spending exceeded our monthly intake. She did get a job so hopefully this will help her feel more fulfilled. She has mentioned on several occasions, I just want to have the floor tiled without asking your permission or talking to you about it....

As I said to Mach and Beginner, I am doing the work on myself and liking what I am seeing. I just hope she can begin to see that I am not the one standing in the way of her happiness, standing in the way of her finding her sense of mission and finding herself. My son's just need a mommy that loves them. My son said today, now that you are going to be working by daddy, you two can go to lunch together and get closer again...Kids see and hear everything. I think I detach a bit more everyday. Does that mean I shouldn't do nice things for her--When she falls asleep on the couch, I put a blanket on her. Maybe bring home flowers and put them in a vase once in a while, I have started cooking a couple times a week. I have always done my fair share of the cleaning(she would admit that to be true..I swear)

One thing I don't think I mentioned yet is my insomina. Had it for a solid year--on and off. I did stop wanting to go out as much, if we did go out I wanted to come home by midnight. I did become a little OCD about the things I needed to do before I went to sleep. The problem is that after the first couple months, she really stopped supporting me through it. The more I fought the insomnia to try and get better for her--so she could see the old me again, the worse it got. The night she told me she wanted out was after I had two rough nights of no sleeping. We were supposed to go out with some couples that night. The funny thing is that I haven't had it since this started. I sleep on the couch mostly. I don't have the pressure of me thinking I am less of a guy because of my sleep issues--I told her the only thing I ever needed to hear her say was I am here for you no matter what....I mostly got tough love. In one of our blow ups a couple weeks back, I did say what if I had cancer--would you have been there for me?

Anyway, I am staring to make this about me and I know it isn't. I will continue down this hard road and be prepared for anything and react to nothing...Forgot to tell Mach I am not on facebook, because alot of this started when she got on facebook and found her old crew...But I actually have thought about it more often..

Thanks for your support.

[cat04]

BM, I'm gonna try to write this so you can see it. LOL

D1,

Listen to Mach, Beginner, and the others that come. They will help you to help yourself.

I'm glad you see/understand the controlling. Mach is right, we have all been accused of it and we all, including our wonderful MLCer's, are. That is the first step. You can control no one but yourself. That goes for kids too.

I wish I could tell you that this will all be ok. I can't. No one here can. I wish I could tell you this won't be a long road. I can't. I wish I could tell you your marriage will be saved if you do this and that. I can't.

What I can tell you is, YOU will be ok.

This will be a long road and even though you want W to look at herself, she actually is. Just in a different way than you.

You will have good days and you will have bad days. So will she.

And here is the big surprise, this IS about you. Not her journey. That is her. But you are along for the ride and that ride is forcing you to look at you. So keep doing it.

Read the resources if you haven't. Lot's of wisdom there.

Watching the finances is important, but she may or may not spend like crazy. Just depends. They all differ.

It is hard with the kids, and they want mommy. Do your best to help them understand all of this. They will need you. And don't be surprised if they become more of a blessing to you than they already are. One of our benefits of this I like to think.

[d1adsl5a]

Thanks Cat.

Sitting out here at night looking at the stars typing away in my back yard. I have been looking at the blessings this has given me. I have reconnected with some people I haven't talked to in 10 years. I do find myself listening more to people instead of talking. I am also suprised by all the support I have been given. You talked about good days and bad. Today was one of those days. The W went out friday till 3am. Didn't say a word, just asked if she had a good time. I had plans Saturday to go see the air and water show in chicago on a friends boat. Was out most of the day and had a good time. I actually met someone who I liked. I left before I did anything stupid or would complicate my life even further. I wake up this morning, the first thing my W says to me is that I am going out next Saturday and the family function we have once a year this sunday that you always complained about-I don't want you there.

I will admit, I have complained about it in the past. It is an hour mass in italian, then we follow the virgin mary statue around the the block in front of the church, then a raffle for 3 hours in the church basement. This is usually on the last day before the kids go back to school and it ususally takes up most of the day...So I guess I deserved her saying that. I did respond later that day...I said did I do something to make you mad today..Because the first thing you said to me was about me not going to the church function..She responds no..I said I am sorry for taking that for granted all these years. I just walked away after that. I then made a nice dinner for everyone with one of my sons helping. She makes a point to tell the kids at dinner that I am not going next sunday. I just said can we change the subject...I just said kids it is never too late to change and learn new things....She said yes it is. I knew exactly what she meant.

I am doing my best to be happy around the house, doing things with the kids, doing my GAL's, 180's etc...Then she can just come in and take the wind right out of my sails.

Then she has the nerve to ask me later, what's wrong..I of course bit my tounge and just said nothing..That is the question I hate the most, what is wrong. What do you think is wrong? You have destroyed my life, my kids life, my parents life, your parents life. But I digress..

I know, tomorrow will be a better day.

[dl443322]

D, it hurts, the things they say. Believe it or not, they sometimes dont even remember saying some of it.

I think you did great today. Good for you for leaving before you did anything to complicate your life.

You have to take this one day at a time, sometimes one hour at a time.

Keep moving forward.

[Mach1]

I wake up this morning, the first thing my W says to me is that I am going out next Saturday and the family function we have once a year this sunday that you always complained about-I don't want you there.

I will admit, I have complained about it in the past. It is an hour mass in italian, then we follow the virgin mary statue around the the block in front of the church, then a raffle for 3 hours in the church basement. This is usually on the last day before the kids go back to school and it ususally takes up most of the day...So I guess I deserved her saying that. I did respond later that day...I said did I do something to make you mad today..Because the first thing you said to me was about me not going to the church function..She responds no..I said I am sorry for taking that for granted all these years. I just walked away after that. I then made a nice dinner for everyone with one of my sons helping. She makes a point to tell the kids at dinner that I am not going next sunday. I just said can we change the subject...I just said kids it is never too late to change and learn new things....She said yes it is. I knew exactly what she meant.

That's okay though...

If you don't enjoy it, find something else to do. Don't make it about you aren't invited, make it about you have something else to do that day....

Would you rather be there and miserable ?

Or out doing something that you DO enjoy ?

Sometimes MLC'ers need to take the steps to realize that THEY are the ones miserable.

I have learned that not all situations in which YOU assume they are happy, that they are....

Most of the time, when they appear the happiest, they are the most miserable.

And if YOU decide not to go, then the perspective has changed considerably...

Then she has the nerve to ask me later, what's wrong..I of course bit my tounge and just said nothing..That is the question I hate the most, what is wrong. What do you think is wrong? You have destroyed my life, my kids life, my parents life, your parents life. But I digress..

I know, tomorrow will be a better day.

Projection by her.....There has to be something wrong with you , cause she is perfect....Don't buy it man.

She really hasn't destroyed your life, She is really making it better....just takes time to see that....

Patience, Dignity, Honor are the road maps to that ...

[d1adsl5a]

Thanks Mach. I will make sure I have a plan for sunday so I am not sitting there before she leaves with the kids and sitting there when she returns..

She went out yesterday with one of her former best friends. They had fallen out since this started. I am sure her friend counseled her on trying to stay in the marriage. Because my W send last night, "I am tired of explaining to everyone why I am doing this. I just want, I don't know what I want." I didn't say anything, and just walked away. I wasn't going to start the Relationship discussion.

Anyway, starting to feel better again. Was pretty down last night and this morning...

Thanks.