In Utter Agony...Long 1st Post

[eternaloptimist]

Hi and thanks! You are right. I've been so worried about what he'd do if I changed the locks or kept him from coming in the house, fearing his rage would flare up and that he'd try to sell the house or file for bankruptcy b/c we have an upside down mortgage. We both have excellent credit in the high 700s/low 800s. But if he "goes off the deep end" and decides bankruptcy is the only way out, that will ruin all of us. I can't let his chronic misery and poor decisions ruin my life or our sons. I really don't think he can do it without my legal consent. For financial and emotional stability for myself and our son, I need to stay in the house for at least a year. We have a contract that stipulates this. But the reality is that neither one of us can afford to sue the other for breach of contract; so it is kind of pointless to even have it.

Anyway for H to take S to his house? The less time your H spends in your house the better off you will feel.

I suggested this the other day and H got really weird on the phone, making every excuse for me to not even go near his apartment (in the basement of a house). It was very strange, like he was trying to hide something.

Do you truly believe that you are not responsible for his current state of mind?

Yes, great question. That said, I take complete responsibility for my mistakes, causing him heartache and pain throughout our marriage, for making decisions that were more from an "I" point of view instead of a "we" point of view, for not understanding his love language, for not meeting his basic needs, for not being a better wife. You'd have to know our complete history to understand the things I did in words and deeds to make up for my mistakes and make us a family though. I went through hell and back to have a baby for us after having three miscarriages between 2000-2004. When I finally made it happen in 2004, I thought we were strong and that our bond could never be broken. I guess that is why this hurts so much. We had a lot of heartache in our lives since 1997. I dealt with each blow one by one and he just let it all pile up until his pain has overtaken him and pushed him to do terrible things, like turn away from his faith in God and turn to other women (EAs) for emotional support. Our son is a miracle and for him to grow up without a full-time Daddy and without a Daddy who is healthy is breaking my heart.

I do not hold myself responsible for all of his unhappiness or his mental health. I realize now that I was set-up to fail because he has not communicated his unhappiness to me so that I could even do anything about it. Just 2 years ago, he had me believe in his own words that most of his unhappiness was because of our friend's murder, moving, changing jobs, hating where we live, disappointment that his family did not reach out to him when we moved closer, etc. We moved in 2006 and as soon as we moved, he freaked out and said it was a huge mistake. Then he did everything he could to get us back to our lives where we lived before, and when that failed in late 2007, we got stuck here. We had to sell our house and buy a brand new one in the same development. After that, I was worried he'd resent me. We were supposed to start fresh and make our life here good. For most of 2008, he just pulled away from me, away from our son, away from our life. All the while he was in therapy and I thought I was giving him space. He raged and raged at me and our son until he exploded in February. He's now re-written our marriage and calls it "vicious." Every fight we ever had has escalated in his memory.

Thanks for listening. I'm going to take your advice and try to get more distance. Sooner or later, he won't have me to rage at any more but he'll still be miserable. Of course, he and his friends and family will be convinced it's because he is so poor paying 1/2 the mortgage on our house and child support. He told me today that if he had a house of his own, he'd be happy. I don't believe it. No matter what happens, my priority is to ensure my mental well being and that of our son.