Update from the weekend funeral for my grandfather. Just got home. W stayed up for me, sort of.
My g'father's funeral was today at 3:00. Earlier, on Friday on my way down to my hometown, we found out the funeral was to be on Sunday (previously thought it would be Monday). Since it would be on Sunday, the kids and W could drive down, but it was too far for a down and back on Sunday, and they could not come down on Saturday b/c they were picking up a cat and my S had a spend the night with one of his friends, both on Saturday. My W said she would drive down and back "if I needed her to." I told her I knew she would, but it did not make sense for them to drive down and back on Sunday. So, I told her to stay put at home.
I called at bedtime on Saturday evening to say good night to my D. W handed the phone to D early in the call, then got back on the phone and talked to me for 10 or so minutes.
Sunday, I did not receive any messages (text or IM) from my W, so I IM'd her at lunchtime (not perfect DB'ing, but my D was sick, and I wanted to check on her), mostly to check on the new cat and my D, who has a pretty bad summer cold (she missed school on Friday). W responded that cat was fine but that she and my S now had the head cold, and they both felt badly. I made a vow not to contact her again the rest of the day - if she wanted to communicate with me, then she would have to initiate.
Went the rest of the day with no messages. I left my grandmother's house at 6:30 for the 3.5 hour drive home. At a little after 9:00, I received an IM from W asking if I was on my way home. I responded with a simple, "Yep." About 20 minutes later, she sends another IM asking where I was. I told her I was only about 10 minutes from the house.
When I got home, W was already prepared for bed, in "her" bed of course. She met me at the door, and I'm sure I looked pretty worn out. She gave me a quick run down of how she and the kids were feeling and where the cat (that I still have not seen) were. I then walked to my bedroom with my bag from the weekend. W followed me down the hall, continued to talk to me, up until telling me to "sleep good" as she retreated to her bedroom. So ends another evening in whatever my "M" has become.
I feel sadness, but it is only for my grandfather. It was his time, and he had a full life of 88 years, M'd to my grandmother for 65! Wow.
If I feel anything for my W, it is something negative that is not anger and not quite disrepsect. Maybe it's closer to disrespect. I don't know. A 3-4 hour drive give a person time to think. I found my mind drifting between what will happen with my M and family and thoughts of my grandfather.
Most of my immediate family know of my M issues, and, naturally, they do not have many positive feelings for my W. I am careful not to discuss hte sitch with any detail, except for my brother, who has helped me a lot with this.
I don't want to give up on my M. I certainly don't want to lose my family. But, when I saw my W tonight, I felt nothing pulling me toward her. Nothing. Maybe this is b/c she has hurt me. Maybe it's b/c for the first time since we were M'd, I have had to face the loss of a loved one without her support. Is that why I feel what seems like disrespect for her? Questions, questions.
