Update from the weekend funeral for my grandfather. Just got home. W stayed up for me, sort of.
My g'father's funeral was today at 3:00. Earlier, on Friday on my way down to my hometown, we found out the funeral was to be on Sunday (previously thought it would be Monday). Since it would be on Sunday, the kids and W could drive down, but it was too far for a down and back on Sunday, and they could not come down on Saturday b/c they were picking up a cat and my S had a spend the night with one of his friends, both on Saturday. My W said she would drive down and back "if I needed her to." I told her I knew she would, but it did not make sense for them to drive down and back on Sunday. So, I told her to stay put at home.
I called at bedtime on Saturday evening to say good night to my D. W handed the phone to D early in the call, then got back on the phone and talked to me for 10 or so minutes.
Sunday, I did not receive any messages (text or IM) from my W, so I IM'd her at lunchtime (not perfect DB'ing, but my D was sick, and I wanted to check on her), mostly to check on the new cat and my D, who has a pretty bad summer cold (she missed school on Friday). W responded that cat was fine but that she and my S now had the head cold, and they both felt badly. I made a vow not to contact her again the rest of the day - if she wanted to communicate with me, then she would have to initiate.
Went the rest of the day with no messages. I left my grandmother's house at 6:30 for the 3.5 hour drive home. At a little after 9:00, I received an IM from W asking if I was on my way home. I responded with a simple, "Yep." About 20 minutes later, she sends another IM asking where I was. I told her I was only about 10 minutes from the house.
When I got home, W was already prepared for bed, in "her" bed of course. She met me at the door, and I'm sure I looked pretty worn out. She gave me a quick run down of how she and the kids were feeling and where the cat (that I still have not seen) were. I then walked to my bedroom with my bag from the weekend. W followed me down the hall, continued to talk to me, up until telling me to "sleep good" as she retreated to her bedroom. So ends another evening in whatever my "M" has become.
I feel sadness, but it is only for my grandfather. It was his time, and he had a full life of 88 years, M'd to my grandmother for 65! Wow.
If I feel anything for my W, it is something negative that is not anger and not quite disrepsect. Maybe it's closer to disrespect. I don't know. A 3-4 hour drive give a person time to think. I found my mind drifting between what will happen with my M and family and thoughts of my grandfather.
Most of my immediate family know of my M issues, and, naturally, they do not have many positive feelings for my W. I am careful not to discuss hte sitch with any detail, except for my brother, who has helped me a lot with this.
I don't want to give up on my M. I certainly don't want to lose my family. But, when I saw my W tonight, I felt nothing pulling me toward her. Nothing. Maybe this is b/c she has hurt me. Maybe it's b/c for the first time since we were M'd, I have had to face the loss of a loved one without her support. Is that why I feel what seems like disrespect for her? Questions, questions.
I don't want to give up on my M. I certainly don't want to lose my family. But, when I saw my W tonight, I felt nothing pulling me toward her. Nothing. Maybe this is b/c she has hurt me. Maybe it's b/c for the first time since we were M'd, I have had to face the loss of a loved one without her support. Is that why I feel what seems like disrespect for her? Questions, questions.
I don't know about you GIMA, but I needed time last night to reflect on my sitch, sounds like your doing the same. I know you had a tough weekend, so maybe not a great time to contemplate the M that you currently have as well.
Maybe just give yourself time to grieve over the loss of a family member, and not put the added pressure of figuring out your sitch as well.
M: 41 STBXW: 41 D: 9 Bomb: 4/26/09
On board the D train now..
"Suffering is when we try to change what we cannot."
Thanks guys. That's how I have been handling it. All weekend, my family would ask how W and I were (the ones in my family who know about our problems). I really didn't want to get into it, especially when that wasn't the reason I was there. Did a good job deflecting those discussions when I did not want to have them.
Looks like I'm at home today playing nursemaid. D5 had a pretty nasty cold and missed school on Friday. Apparently, she gave it to W and S9. W sounds awful. They are both in bed. So, I will probably get in a workout (when do you thin the really hot women work out?), do a little work, and hang with D5 when she gets home from school. And will TCB around the house.
So, even though I feel nothing drawing me to my W, I felt it was the right thing to do for me to stay home from work to take care of her and S. Honestly, after the weekend and me not getting home until 10:15 last night, I could use a day off.
Well, I'm worn out. I was H and W today - W was sick, so I stayed home from work and shuttled D to school, then took care of S and W, who were both not feeling well.
W got some Theraflu induced sleep this am. She thanked me for letting her sleep and said she felt better - not great, but better.
Took S to football tryouts today. He got progressively better throughout the day. He did well with his tryout.
Then rushed home to allow W to go to a cooking class she has been looking forward to all week. Even though she did not feel up to it. So, I took care of the kids dinner and baths. Then we played with the new cat, then off to bed for them.
W got home a little while ago. She was excited about her class and wanted to show me her workbook for the class and what she would be doing in it over the next 4 weeks. Looks pretty cool. Despite my fatigue, I paid attention and asked some questions.
Then I told her the truth - that I was tired and heading off to bed.
One notable thing was that I slipped and was a bit snappy with W this afternoon when I was trying to get S ready for his tryout. W said she was going to get his tryout number printed and taped to his jersey and would have all his clothes and equipment laid out. Not uncommonly, at the last minute, I had to get it all ready. As I did, I noticed the chin strap was the wrong one for his helmet. W said the guy at the sports shop said the chin strap would work with his helmet - clearly it wouldn't. I snapped and said no way the strap was going to work. She said she did the best she could (usually my job to do the outfitting in this area, but had my grandfather's funeral this weekend). I immediately caught myself and told her the truth - that I was not upset with her, but was upset with the guy at the sports shop who told her the chin strap was fine.
Anyway, nothing that significant about a chin strap, but it was the first time since the bomb where I was a bit snippy, and it came across as me snapping at W. And she didn't explode or get angry. If anything, she was submissive - NEVER has been before. But, perhaps the most important things were (a) I wasn't afraid to express my feelings and (b)we could have a near disagreement and be able to resolve it quickly which I think is a good thing given our current sitch.
I'm sorry about your grandfather. I haven't been around this website for several days...so I'm just catching up. I'm also sorry to hear about your feelings of no support from the W. I feel your pain. Our hearts have been put through the ringer. Will our rollercoaster rides ever end?
-LFH
ME: 38 W: 35 D2.5 and S5 Married 12 years Separated (same house, different rooms) INILWYAM by W: 4/16/2009 The day W requested a D: 4/17/2009
I'm also sorry to hear about your feelings of no support from the W. I feel your pain. Our hearts have been put through the ringer. Will our rollercoaster rides ever end?
Funny thing is I am not saddened by the lack of support from W. It's just something that seemed strange at the time.
And I think I got off the rollercoaster, or at least the really fast way up, way down one a few weeks ago. I just feel like I'm on a fairly even keel right now.
Anyway, nothing that significant about a chin strap, but it was the first time since the bomb where I was a bit snippy, and it came across as me snapping at W. And she didn't explode or get angry. If anything, she was submissive - NEVER has been before. But, perhaps the most important things were (a) I wasn't afraid to express my feelings and (b)we could have a near disagreement and be able to resolve it quickly which I think is a good thing given our current sitch.
There is a scene in "American Beauty" when Kevin Spacey gets feedup with his wife and his daughter and he throws his plate against the wall. He now has their attention and both of them get very submissive. Sometimes you have to say enough and "bare your teeth" a little. The key now is to get to the point that you don't need to have a outburst to get respect. You can handle it.
Cheers
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
