It has been a very long time since I've visited this forum. Far be it for me to admit that I made a big mistake when I stopped coming here, but I do know the reason I did. The reason was because Baggie (my SSM guru) so hit my nail on its head, very quickly after I joined DB. At that time, a little over a year ago, I was too raw to see the truth in my SSM.
I did question, at that time, whether it was me or my H who was the SS one. I know now that it was I who was and it was he who was not. My H, God bless him, went outside the marriage long before I ever suspected it. And, Baggie is so absolutely right when he says that it is excruciatingly painful to the LBS. Please, take it from me as one who has lived this nightmare for over a year.
I did not read all of this thread. I read up to Baggie's long post. And some of you may not agree with him, but I do. I realize now that it is all a matter of perspective. My H is not having just one "affair." In fact, he may not be having an affair at all if you call "paying" for it something other than an affair. I have been making excuses for him all this time. But I recently discovered -- beyond a shadow of a doubt -- that he has truly gone to the dark side. And yet, I still love him. So, what does that make me? Stupid? Ignorant? Desperate? Or just plain pathetic? Maybe all of the above.
I can vouch for one thing though ... when Baggis says
(1) Affairs are POISONOUS to your marriage.
If you doubt this, go read through the ever-growing number of heartbreaking stories over on the Infidelity forum and the Newcomer's forum (where infidelity is involved). Affairs *always* lead to lying, deceit, dishonesty, covering-up, and secrecy. As such, affairs destroy trust, connection, and friendship with your spouse. And affairs ALWAYS cause a great deal of pain for the left-behind spouse, whether they admit it to you or not -- it's a stab in the heart when your mate goes wandering and effectively declares "You aren't enough for me...I'm looking elsewhere."
Take it from me. I am living proof.
I believe, if you asked my H about Baggy's points (2) and (4) he would deny it. My H's perspective is more along the lines that an affair is an option, and even further, that so is a divorce. And, I suppose if I were to be fair about it, I would say, he's entitled to his opinion and may even get what he is asking for because in Florida, where we live, it's a no-fault state.
But # (3) well, that's a different story.
(3) Affairs are an indulgence in fantasy, not reality.
Affairs are generally based upon two things: (1) the sexually-charged, brain-chemical "high" or "rush" involved in the infatuation-stage of a brand-new relationship, and (2) your affair partner has *none* of the baggage associated with a real long-term relationship, such that you can mentally imagine them to be whatever you want them to be. The covert nature of an affair also adds its own level of excitement and a "sampling of the forbidden" to the mix. At some point, however, the house-of-cards comes crashing down, especially when one or the other affair partner is discovered by their spouse, and the affair is no longer "free," but begins to come with *real consequences.* Once the "real world" begins to encroach on the fantasy, the affair usually unravels.
Although I can't prove it, I can almost promise you that my H is not a happy man. His "love interest" a girl 30 years younger than him, has already told him she will never marry him or live with him, or have his children. And he is not a happy camper. He still pays to see her, but he is now searching elsewhere to fill that hole.
I, on the other hand, lie in wait for him to file for divorce, which he keeps threatening to do but has not yet. And, he refuses to see me, and he hurts me with disrespect, or anger, or malice almost every single time we talk.
I also sit and wait for the inevitable to happen. As Baggie says, "At some point, however, the house-of-cards comes crashing down ..." and I believe him.
My H is not the man I married. I had my own issues, yes. But they were certainly issues we could have WORKED on had he been willing. But he was not.
Baggie laid it out on the table for me a year ago. If you ask him about it, he might be willing to explain, but I can tell you this. I sat at my computer and sobbed because I knew it was the truth. I may never fully recover from that stark reality, but that is my cross to bear.
