I am totally crazy from working.......I am putting in so much time working that I am seriously just too tried to just think or feel anything. I am taking this coming Wed off.....just for some time...........for me. I decided to get myself a massage/manicure/pedicure/facial package and just pamper myself. I feel myself just slipping into some warped world where I am just working and taking care of problems there and neglecting myself!
On the one hand its great to be productive and getting a paycheck
(DAMN I love getting a paycheck, its a feeling I am not yet able to put into words, but would never give up...esp at this point in my life).
But on the other, I am just so exhausted from taking care of things at work that when I come home, its already 9 or 10 pm and I just microwave a frozen meal and eat some ice cream and go to sleep......and am up at 5 am and the routine starts again.
I can't tell, but someone asked me how I was taking care of myelf these days and I just sort of looked at them blankly. I hae been trying to figure that out, but had pushed it aside again....but, this wednesday I will hopefully have a nice few hours and then I'm thinking of catching a movie and maybe if I can .......end the day, meeting up with some people/person for dinner....
No idea what is going on with my H. He has texted me and called me but honestly, I have stopped initiating contact. Then last week he asked me to send him a current picture of me at work???? Whatever....he called me a couple of days later and asked again in voicemail. So I had a co-worker take a pic on my phone and I emailed that.....whatever that is about. You are divorcing me but want pics of me???? Is my life for real. I have stopped trying to figure him out. I have no idea what is going on with him....I can only know that I have to be on my own right now when I am so exhausted on a daily basis. He has really abandoned me at time when it would have been really helpful BUT I have come to realize I don't need him! Its an empowering feeling.
I think I am totally in denial about my upcoming divorce. I know it, I have bought my flight tickets and hotel reservations....I am just trying NOT to think about it..... Iknow that its coming and I figure I will deal with it when I get there. It looks like we are staying together....and spending the weekend together!? My life is just too UNREAL right now. It feels like an out of body experience that has no reason or logic attached to it.....its weird. I am just trying to get thru my days one day at a time! That is the only plan. Learn as much as I can this year at work...and am taking that one day at a time as well. I put up a calender this month and am just crossing off the days.......to what? I'm not sure. But to better days...whenever that may be!
OH yeah! One great thing is that I have planned a 4 day hiking vacation with my girlfriend in March! I know its a while away, but.....
I also am thinking about a trip to Greece prior to that. I just mentioned that to H a couple of weeks ago and he said "OH! I would love to go to Greece. And I would like to pay for it." I just got pist. This is my idea and my vacation. I can pay for myself and I don't want anything from him. I told him that. I added that it would be something to thnk about...him coming with me, but we would be paying for ourselves! We ended up dropping the subject.
For God's sake, he cannot take over......like I said, I have no idea what he is thinking and where we are headed. So that is where I am at these days.....I think I'm maintaining a PMA for the most part.....and more importantly each day by myself brings me closer to my own true authentic self...which I love actually! HA !!! That sounds conceited, but its not how I meant it. Ok. Need to get some rest. I miss being caught up with everyone!
MJ, it meant so much to me that you are still keeping up with me....I will get on your thread this week to see how you have been doing. My best to you in the meantime. Lots of hugs!!
