In Utter Agony...Long 1st Post

[C-Bart]

He still has a key and walks right in, helps himself to whatever food he wants, gets the mail, etc. I never say anything or get angry---no conflict is my motto!

You are not creating conflict by maintaining boundaries. Conflict comes from lack of clarity. You H is testing you every day to see what he can get away with. Exclusive means exclusive.

W and I had a similar agreement yet she would always come by and hang out to "be with the kids" . I went along with it because of my need to be close to her. What I was doing was showing her she could do whatever she wanted without consequence. At the same time I was feeding into her lack of respect for me and pushing her further away.

He sees our son each day after school to pick him up and then stays in our house with him until I get home.

Anyway for H to take S to his house? The less time your H spends in your house the better off you will feel.

.. yesterday he threatened to "put the house on the market" b/c he said he can't survive (financially) for a year. So at any time, I feel like he can pull the rug out from underneath me and our son, and keep me as miserable as he is.

Not sure how he could do this without your participation. Legal conversation? Even if he could what is the worst thing that could happen? You have to move to a new and exciting place? You sound like someone who is fully capable of taking care of yourself and your S.

I guess that is the point, huh? He is suffering still, blaming me still, and wants to keep me in his inner turmoil.

Yepper. I know I've been on the delivery and receiving end of this. Guilt is a wonderful tool for someone who does not want to face their own issues.

Perhaps the best thing I can do is separate myself from that as much as possible so he can see that his innner suffering really isn't b/c of me. Somehow though, I think he still blames me no matter what b/c he has more or less said so.

I think you are onto something here. The interesting thing you will see is unless he makes some changes in his life he will be in the same lousy place he has been. This can be one of the hardest things to watch your loved one go through. Chances are he will find something else to either blame or use a cure. The entire time you will be standing by shaking your head. The only way we can influence this is by out example, taking care of ourselves, getting our life straight.

Do you truly believe that you are not responsible for his current state of mind?