Not a hijack at all, my friend. This is precisely the topics we discuss here in these forums ... and is why we are here to try to support one another. You're just expressing exactly what so many of us have to go through or have already been through. I've felt the same way. My advice to you also serves as a mantra to myself, as these feelings will indeed surface from time to time. I just have to work through them and remember why it is that I persist.
I have felt some angst over the fact that xW can continue to carry on like Hosea's wife, the harlot, and sin all the rest of her days without repenting, but if she repents in even the last minutes before death, she will see Heaven. Part of me resents this, that the wicked can claim salvation if only they do so right before death. I know that in reality that is so extremely rare and unlikely, that if one carries on so heinously for so long that they are unlikely by their very nature to repent at the end -- it would likely never occur to them. But the fact that the "escape clause", so to speak, exists is troublesome to me at times.
And the fact that this would be troublesome to me at all is, in and of itself, troublesome. I have to adjust my thinking on this.
As if to underscore my own struggles with this seeming paradox, I just got back from church service where we had a sermon on Grace. The pastor reminded us of the parable about the man with the vineyard who upset his hardest laborers by paying an equal full-day's wage even to those who showed up late in the day and thus did not work the whole day as others had. It was unfair, yes. But the point of the story is that Grace is so much more than any of us deserve, no matter how hard we work or how soon we come to the foot of the cross.
So I have to console myself with the fact that I really do not want what is fair or just, even though I might think I do -- because all of us, myself included, fall far short of His mercy and deserve nothing more than death.
I will accept God's Grace and His mercy and relinquish my foolish claim for justice.
