Mac, I know what you are saying, I see a lot of the traits of each stage, but not all, even the thread MLC for dummies, I can see a lot of that in my H as well.
Hi, I just happened to pop over from MLC (where I normally hang out) and wanted to share a few thoughts on the most recent posts here (sorry, I didn't go back and read the previous 300 posts on this thread!).
Snodderly is a blessing to us all over in MLC-land. I don't often go to other forums on the site so I don't know where else she posts, but she is one of our voices of wisdom, and much appreciated. I'm glad you have found her, and I encourage newcomers to check out all the forums, especially the resources.
Next, I wanted to address the stages of MLC. Hearts Blessing did a lot of people a big favor by writing all of that up. However, one thing that I think is not readily grasped by the first-time reader of her description of the stages is that they do NOT happen in a linear progression. An MLCer does not pass through the stages as in 1-2-3-4-5-6. No sirree Bob. It's more like 1-3-2-4-2-3-2-3-5-3-2-5-4-5-4-2-3-5-4-6-5-6-4-6-5-6. And that would be the short version. See, what we all want to know is, 1) How much longer is this going to take? and... 2) How much worse is it going to get?
...and we think initially when we read the stages that this will help us figure out where our MLCer is in the process and therefore estimate a time for completion. Sorry, but it doesn't work that way. The answers to the questions are: 1) As long as it takes. and... 2) A lot worse.
That's the bad news. The time frame depends on the MLCer, and on how long they persist in running away from their issues instead of facing them. The severity depends on the MLCer, and on how hard they fight against their issues instead of dealing with them. You cannot hurry the process...although you CAN slow it down if you interfere. So get yourself out of the way.
This does not mean to give up on the MLCer, or burn your bridges with the R, or be nasty to them. It's more like watching someone you care about in an athletic competition...you have to stay on the sidelines and not interfere or help them, no matter how much you want them to finish on top, no matter how much you love them. They have to do it on their own, and there is only so much you can do, because if you ran out onto the field, you would throw a monkey wrench in the works, and they might not finish at all, much less on top. So you have to just watch from the sidelines and wait, and because it is an incredibly long competition, you have to go about your business and keep your own life moving forward in the meantime.
But...there's good news, too! The good news is that if you do your job right, eventually you won't care what stage the MLCer is in. You will be too busy with your own life to worry about it. You see, your job as a DBer is to save yourself. Saving your M is a bonus that some DBers receive...but you are a successful DBer if you have grown into who you were truly meant to be.
Detaching, GAL, all of that...those are important, yes, but they are techniques that support the true goal of DBing. The real goal of all of the DB techniques here is for you to come out of all of this as a better person. It is hard for newbies to grasp in the beginning, but the fact is, you only have control of yourself. Not your WAS, or your kids, or anyone else. Only yourself. You can influence others, sure--that is a major theme in the DB books--but you can only CONTROL yourself. The sooner you learn to accept that, and to work with that fact instead of fighting it...the sooner you will find yourself...the highest and best form of yourself. Yourself as you were always meant to be.
And if you can do that...you will be a success.
Peace and blessings, Dawn
Me 45/H 47, no kids Together since 1985; M/1992 Bomb1 (EA-OW1, age 22) 2001 Bomb2 (EA/PA-OW2, age 22) 10/2007, A continues H left 11/24/08 minimal contact, no legal action http://tinyurl.com/DawnHope1
At "friends" old haunt - pitza place. Just dumped 3 cd's of music on my mate the owner. He's VERY happy. So are the "bar bums" :-).
Go between is at beach. Just told me the "friend" was all on her own yesterday. The W was with bil. Good! She also needs to gal!!
Going to buy "friend" a 50th care package. A stack of batteries! You know what they're for
It'll put a smile on her face. Good. I may even score an invite to the party! Also good. And I may not. Bothered? No. But it would be a bonus. Sure that our long time freindship will count for something. And maybe not. Who would that show up? Certainly not me.
For those that are waking - have a blessed day. For those about to nod off - sweetest of dreams. And for those that are in the middle - keep the faith.
Hey Mac, Always trying to help! Will be interested to hear your response. Good for you, spreading the joy with your music!
Something I meant to add to my post regarding the stages of MLC...an illustration of the pervasiveness and persistence of the symptoms of MLC, and how the stages all bleed together. Do you know about the "walking on eggshells" which is so familiar to LBS's of MLCers? HB describes it as part of stage 2 of MLC: anger. Well, I started seeing it intermittently, and to a mild degree, in my H about 9 or 10 years ago. It was a particular shock because we had been together for 15 years at that point, and until then he had been the most patient, easygoing person I knew, so this was _totally_ out of character for him.
Within a few years the eggshell tendencies were pretty much constant, and it was so bad that I finally struck all questions beginning with "why" from my vocabulary when talking to him, since that word seemed particularly prone to setting him off on a rant (he had his first [admitted] EA in 2001, so that wasn't the only sign of MLC). I was still seeing this anger through last year, although by that time he really had to work to find something I was doing to get mad about.
Okay, I'm pretty tired so I'm not sure how much sense I'm making, but I'm trying to illustrate that MLC stages are not at all cut-and-dried; they are totally mishmashed sometimes, and some of them hang on for a really really long time, regardless of which stage you might otherwise think is happening. So try not to get too hung up on the stages! Use it to help you see what sorts of things might happen, but don't worry too much about where you are in the process. Remember that you are not in control of this...and move on to what you _can_ control!
Okay, now I'm going to quit before I embarrass myself from brain fog of exhaustion!
Hang in there!
Peace, Dawn
Me 45/H 47, no kids Together since 1985; M/1992 Bomb1 (EA-OW1, age 22) 2001 Bomb2 (EA/PA-OW2, age 22) 10/2007, A continues H left 11/24/08 minimal contact, no legal action http://tinyurl.com/DawnHope1
