Long Journey .......... advice please

[Sanderika]

Hello Cas,

How were you rude to him?

It's funny this is your post topic today. My girlfriend and I talked on the phone past midnight last night about lots of things and letting go and setting up major boundaries and actual demands on how it now has to be was a big part of our chat.

I need to think about this a bit, my initial thought is DO NOT tell him you are detaching and letting go completely. If this is what you want to do and feel the will to do and believe in your heart and soul you can do, then begin. Do it quietly without the announcement and fanfare.

My first reason not to tell him is simple. If you are not able to accomplish your goal and detach completely any slide back towards the way things are now makes you look weak. It will therefore only validate any thoughts H has that you are still available for whatever he wants to dish out to you, and that you will take it, whenever it suits him. You know the "door mat" and "cake eating" theories. These would come into play at this point. This only serves to give H the edge.

By going dark and detaching completely, you want H to wonder what is going on with Cas. Here is a great chance for you. You have had the surgery and things for you can/will be better. Let H think you are having a new outlook. Work on it all from the place he will notice. By telling him, you are removing the mystery. Mystery is a very good thing to give a MLC H. Think about the past, they don't let us get too far away without the "you can count on it" call or visit where they ask "What have you been doing?" or "So...what are you doing, what's been going on?"

Prior to our latest court date, in my recent mid-night conversation with my H I came right out and told him the "third party" in our marriage HAD TO GO if we were to continue to work on reconciliing. I further told him that I was sick and tired of only getting the tidbits and that I deserved better in my life. I said that I deserved to have someone in my life who wanted to be with me 100% and that I would be better off alone than the way things have been for me over the past four years. I was careful to also tell him that my reasons for thinking this way had nothing to do with my feelings of love for him, I told him I love him with all my heart. It was now all about respect for myself at this point, I was tired of living with disrespect.

He completely agreed with me and understood my point of view and said that he was working on getting the OW out and that he still wanted to work on the marriage.

I feel exactly like you do. I am also very close to the end of my rope with this sitch. I learned a very long time ago to maintain the detachment thing. I don't really recall how I managed. I just made a promise to myself that I would go dark and detach. Each day got a little easier and now it is my way of life towards the sitch. I did not set boundaries. Others here disagree with that method and believe setting boundaries is a must. When I look back I realize that it was the right choice. My H and I would not be friends if I had chosen that method.

I agree how hard this is to sit back and live in his world and he doesn't live in yours. You see we have created a new friendship and it is still more on "his" terms than "ours". I say it that way because to me a friendship is a mutual decision, a friendship is not meant to be one-sided. If we have created a friendship, it would be right that I could also call him to chat a hello, right????? NOPE, not yet.

Since our 7/24 D postponement, I sent H a warm, fuzzy "Happy Birthday" text, no thank you or reply whatsoever from H. I called H to say hello on 8/4 and he answered and was/appeared happy to hear from me. H called me on 8/5 to say hello and we met up for an hour and a half to talk some more, the conversation was all about him, literally. When we parted company it did not feel good for me. I thought the visit went very well and at the same time it was awkward. I called H on 8/11 and left him a hello on cell voice mail. H has never called me back. THIS IS A BACKSLIDE ON H PART FOR SURE. H appears to have retreated right back into the cave.

My friend and I have decided, this is not good, that H got what he wanted in the postponement and is now going to ride it out doing as he pleases until that time comes around again for another postponement - December 4th. These are bad thoughts for me. They are causing me a great deal of turmoil. Almost to the point I could be sick. I did not postpone to live more of the same, I postponed for a new beginning. I will not live out the next few months like I have lived out the last six. I will not and do not have to live with the OW in my life. I have my chance here to now use this last postponement to my advantage. I am working on my strategy and will very soon get my chance to give my .02 cents to H whether he likes it or not.

Enough IS Enough!!!!! He cannot get away with playing this hand of cards forever. One of us needs to start making a choice and living with it. AND, it's not me.......I almost do not care anymore. Puppy told a poster recently this.....When you get to the point you feel "disgust" with your H/sitch....that is when you are done. I have given that comment a lot of thought. He is right.

Take care Cas, hope you are still feeling physically better every day. I know the emotions are a different story. You have come a long way. You and H are friends and that speaks volumns as well.

Sanderika