Rays of hope - thaw approaching?

[Dawn of Hope]

Hi, I just happened to pop over from MLC (where I normally hang out) and wanted to share a few thoughts on the most recent posts here (sorry, I didn't go back and read the previous 300 posts on this thread!).

Snodderly is a blessing to us all over in MLC-land. I don't often go to other forums on the site so I don't know where else she posts, but she is one of our voices of wisdom, and much appreciated. I'm glad you have found her, and I encourage newcomers to check out all the forums, especially the resources.

Next, I wanted to address the stages of MLC. Hearts Blessing did a lot of people a big favor by writing all of that up. However, one thing that I think is not readily grasped by the first-time reader of her description of the stages is that they do NOT happen in a linear progression. An MLCer does not pass through the stages as in 1-2-3-4-5-6. No sirree Bob. It's more like 1-3-2-4-2-3-2-3-5-3-2-5-4-5-4-2-3-5-4-6-5-6-4-6-5-6. And that would be the short version. See, what we all want to know is,
1) How much longer is this going to take? and...
2) How much worse is it going to get?

...and we think initially when we read the stages that this will help us figure out where our MLCer is in the process and therefore estimate a time for completion. Sorry, but it doesn't work that way. The answers to the questions are:
1) As long as it takes. and...
2) A lot worse.

That's the bad news. The time frame depends on the MLCer, and on how long they persist in running away from their issues instead of facing them. The severity depends on the MLCer, and on how hard they fight against their issues instead of dealing with them. You cannot hurry the process...although you CAN slow it down if you interfere. So get yourself out of the way.

This does not mean to give up on the MLCer, or burn your bridges with the R, or be nasty to them. It's more like watching someone you care about in an athletic competition...you have to stay on the sidelines and not interfere or help them, no matter how much you want them to finish on top, no matter how much you love them. They have to do it on their own, and there is only so much you can do, because if you ran out onto the field, you would throw a monkey wrench in the works, and they might not finish at all, much less on top. So you have to just watch from the sidelines and wait, and because it is an incredibly long competition, you have to go about your business and keep your own life moving forward in the meantime.

But...there's good news, too! The good news is that if you do your job right, eventually you won't care what stage the MLCer is in. You will be too busy with your own life to worry about it. You see, your job as a DBer is to save yourself. Saving your M is a bonus that some DBers receive...but you are a successful DBer if you have grown into who you were truly meant to be.

Detaching, GAL, all of that...those are important, yes, but they are techniques that support the true goal of DBing. The real goal of all of the DB techniques here is for you to come out of all of this as a better person. It is hard for newbies to grasp in the beginning, but the fact is, you only have control of yourself. Not your WAS, or your kids, or anyone else. Only yourself. You can influence others, sure--that is a major theme in the DB books--but you can only CONTROL yourself. The sooner you learn to accept that, and to work with that fact instead of fighting it...the sooner you will find yourself...the highest and best form of yourself. Yourself as you were always meant to be.

And if you can do that...you will be a success.

Peace and blessings,
Dawn