Well, I got some classes outlined and I'm getting myself ready to go back to school but I have to get income tax information from my wife to proceed. I actually told her about this before August, since this would be a full year of our separation this month; I kind of just wanted to extinguish any negative emotion/anxiety. I don't want it to be a hard month but I got that feeling. I just wanted to give myself some space for that reason and just really go dark and detach for real. That's why I was trying to get the information last month. I know for sure this bothered my W early in the separation b/c she told me so. Do what works and change up if you stop seeing results. I can say that she has tried in getting me the tax information but I do realize that it should not take this long. Apparently, her mother does her taxes online and did not print a copy for her records. She told me last week that she would bring her tax forms to the house but it never happened, instead she reminded me of how she asked for the same thing last year and I did not oblige. I did not want to argue w/ that b/c that was not the case nor did I want to prolong this any further. I think her perception is still a little sketchy. I told her I would have been more than willing to help her out and that it was a tough period w/ our separation and my father's stroke occurring days and apart that I simply lost sight of it and that she never brought it back up.
So now, it's almost the middle of the month and I'm still waiting, even though it seems as if she is trying. And then, she dropped off the map early last week to the point that I was concerned about her well being after communicating w/ her off and on for a few days; a first. I let a day pass then I called 2x and text 2x and got no response. She called Friday, 4 days later and left a message that something happened w/ her phone and she just got a new one and she would get the information to me today the 15th. I never heard from her and I think it is best for me to truly detach; period and completely. As far as I have come, as strong as I have been, as much as I have learned and endured, I don't want to let this get mentally and emotionally unhealthy for me. I found a work around for school anyway after she dropped communication. I guess it's sort of a reflection of where she is at this time personally; just lost and searching. I wanted to ask her so bad whatever happened to her just bringing her tax forms to me. I have also told her about the mail she has here and she just never offers a response. It's as if she's avoiding purposely. I have not seen her in months.
Lately, I have been visiting other churches but this past month I started going back to the church that my W and I attended w/ mixed emotions of course. I did not know if it was the right thing to do b/c I may have ran into her, her family, friends or if someone noticed us sitting in different areas. I actually decided to go after a conversation w/ my neighbor about a month ago who mentioned to me that my W told him in passing that I was talking to/seeing another women and by not going to our church it sort of made me feel like I was letting her validate her claims if this is what she's telling other people. I am not looking for validation from anyone but I will protect my name. I am not perfect, but I never cheated. I have just been so tired of people asking about us and I play this little charade like we are still together and everything is good and that's turning out to be a bad move. I understand that our M is private but I've been operating under a rock. I mean, people are pulling my card in public asking about my M and it is really uncomfortable and it's also getting more stressful and harder trying to hide the fact that we are apart. I am a work in progress and my thought and emotions are in a constant flux. THIS JUST REALLY SUCKS. WE ARE STRANGERS AFTER ALL THESE YEARS. I guess she doesn't miss anything about me now but she will.
