Punkt, Puppy, Grace-O, you guys still there? My last post I talked about being prepared for situations when you are aware that they exist or are on the way. Well, close to 2 weeks ago I locked myself out my car while visiting my father who is back in the hospital. The police where I live don't deal with lockouts so I would have had to call a locksmith. Long story short, I called my wife from the hospital phone and she did not answer. Then I sent her two text messages to let her know it was me trying to call and still there was no response. Eventually an officer at the hospital helped me out. I knew my W would eventually call and she did; almost 3 hours later. We talked for about an hour and it was the usual talk about nothing. Then she starts to tell me how blessed she is because she been ok financially w/o a job (unemployment check), no car problems and people have helped her out along the way. Then she tells me about a new job she got to hold her over until the previous job brings them back from the layoff by Jan 2010. She further tells me that she found the job b/c 1 of 4 men that she worked with that were laid off with her called her about the job opportunity. So now they all work together at this other place. She tells me all of them still keep in touch mainly through text. AND I LOST IT. My human side came through, I just could not believe what she was telling me, and so I let her have it. I pretty much told her about herself and let her know that there was no way on God's green earth that she is blessed nor will he let her walk away unscathed by how she has been in this M. I told her how she has no respect for me but she's respecting somebody b/c w/ whatever she was doing she was not able to call me back. I mean I called from the hospital; it could have been something very serious. And these other men she keeps in contact with, I just told her there was no reason I needed to know about her dealings. I'm rambling, but it was heated. I guess she baited me into an argument, but oh well it was something different. I didn't have my tools. I have not been reading DR or nothing; just flying blind I guess.
After I got off the phone w/ her my mind started. Why or who was she with that she could not call earlier that day? I called from the hospital and she recognized the number. We were together when she started her last job, so was she in contact with these men she mentioned while we were together? How does she keep in contact with other men, but not me? Who would tell their husband something like that? Does she think we are buddies now? I told her to spread her wings and that it was really sad and unfortunate and that I don't even know why I bother in a text the following morning. I just could not get if off my mind. It turned into a really bad night for me emotionally. It's just nothing there; no Godliness, no respect, no decency, no ethical or moral values. I have endured and made it w/o her. I love her, but I know I don't need her to live. Don't think I can take much more. I have played my position to the hilt. I have remained a husband. I have reamained faithful and I am really lonely as hell. In the end, I want to be able to look at this with no regrets. I am prepared for whatever and we never even said goodbye.
Well, I realize my anger and blow up at my W did not change our status, it was just a release of built up anger. I am not sure if it pushed her further away, made her judge herself more, increased her guilt or all the above and then some. At one point while venting at my W, I told her to spread her wings and fly and find her happiness. I regret saying that even though that is where I have been pushed to feel. This month will be a whole year and pretty soon we will just be passing thoughts. At least, that is how it is starting to feel for me. I don't cry as much, I don't think about it as much and I have never had those mind visions of my W being w/ another man sexually. Thank God. All this time, and I have negated to bring up talk about our M. It is time to reassess my life and either move on and face reality or get some closure. I have done my best to be optimistic but reality is here and she isn't.
I am actually chicken picking; I had surgery on my dominant hand a little over a week ago. I called my W just to let her know about the surgery just in case there were any problems. She has text me often to see how I am doing, which left me a little shocked. I say that b/c when she called after my surgery to see if everything went ok, she asked who was driving me and I kind of positioned myself to get off the phone w/o answering the question. I knew that upset her b/c of her reaction upon the goodbye. Before I got off the phone w/ her, I jokingly asked her if she could sit w/ me and she said yes but that really went know where. Then a few days later she called but did not leave a message. I let a little time lapse and called her back and she said that she was calling to come over and cook for me. She did the same thing a few months back about going to the movies. It is not genuine b/c if it was something she really wanted to do, she would have left a message and she would make it happen.
I have decided to go back to school for my MBA, I figure it will be a time consumer and I will garner something in the process. This is still hard for me when it does cross my mind even though it has become easier day by day unless I run into a love trigger; another human condition. I remember reading in DR, the forum and other books about having a deadline for WHEN because it's not the best way to go about it. With that said, I have had many set deadlines in my heart and mind about how long is going to be too long. And even though I feel the way I feel, the love I have for her would make any deadline feel immature. It would just have to be a leap of faith. It's so crazy b/c I think she would just let this go on until she found herself needing to close the book on our M for her own needs. What is she waiting for? Is she enjoying the freedom at my cost? Or is she waiting for me to push the self destruct button?
Well, I got some classes outlined and I'm getting myself ready to go back to school but I have to get income tax information from my wife to proceed. I actually told her about this before August, since this would be a full year of our separation this month; I kind of just wanted to extinguish any negative emotion/anxiety. I don't want it to be a hard month but I got that feeling. I just wanted to give myself some space for that reason and just really go dark and detach for real. That's why I was trying to get the information last month. I know for sure this bothered my W early in the separation b/c she told me so. Do what works and change up if you stop seeing results. I can say that she has tried in getting me the tax information but I do realize that it should not take this long. Apparently, her mother does her taxes online and did not print a copy for her records. She told me last week that she would bring her tax forms to the house but it never happened, instead she reminded me of how she asked for the same thing last year and I did not oblige. I did not want to argue w/ that b/c that was not the case nor did I want to prolong this any further. I think her perception is still a little sketchy. I told her I would have been more than willing to help her out and that it was a tough period w/ our separation and my father's stroke occurring days and apart that I simply lost sight of it and that she never brought it back up.
So now, it's almost the middle of the month and I'm still waiting, even though it seems as if she is trying. And then, she dropped off the map early last week to the point that I was concerned about her well being after communicating w/ her off and on for a few days; a first. I let a day pass then I called 2x and text 2x and got no response. She called Friday, 4 days later and left a message that something happened w/ her phone and she just got a new one and she would get the information to me today the 15th. I never heard from her and I think it is best for me to truly detach; period and completely. As far as I have come, as strong as I have been, as much as I have learned and endured, I don't want to let this get mentally and emotionally unhealthy for me. I found a work around for school anyway after she dropped communication. I guess it's sort of a reflection of where she is at this time personally; just lost and searching. I wanted to ask her so bad whatever happened to her just bringing her tax forms to me. I have also told her about the mail she has here and she just never offers a response. It's as if she's avoiding purposely. I have not seen her in months.
Lately, I have been visiting other churches but this past month I started going back to the church that my W and I attended w/ mixed emotions of course. I did not know if it was the right thing to do b/c I may have ran into her, her family, friends or if someone noticed us sitting in different areas. I actually decided to go after a conversation w/ my neighbor about a month ago who mentioned to me that my W told him in passing that I was talking to/seeing another women and by not going to our church it sort of made me feel like I was letting her validate her claims if this is what she's telling other people. I am not looking for validation from anyone but I will protect my name. I am not perfect, but I never cheated. I have just been so tired of people asking about us and I play this little charade like we are still together and everything is good and that's turning out to be a bad move. I understand that our M is private but I've been operating under a rock. I mean, people are pulling my card in public asking about my M and it is really uncomfortable and it's also getting more stressful and harder trying to hide the fact that we are apart. I am a work in progress and my thought and emotions are in a constant flux. THIS JUST REALLY SUCKS. WE ARE STRANGERS AFTER ALL THESE YEARS. I guess she doesn't miss anything about me now but she will.
I had a really rough weekend and this is just at one point. I went out Saturday night with some work buddies, who as I've mentioned before, inquire about my marriage at every opportunity stemming from something they heard. And as I've stated, I am still pretty vague about my M and just blow it off. Everything was ok until we went to this other club close to home. We had only been there maybe 10 minutes and I see an old business acquaintance and he had this shocked look on his face as if he seen a ghost, and without pause, he says loudly to speak over the music, "Man I heard you got divorced". I probably looked like a ghost after he said that, just utter embarrassment, b/c my friends heard it as well. He and I had business dealings for over a year a couple of years ago, and one day my W brought me something to eat to my business and the dots were connected. He and his wife grew up w/ my wife in the same church and as a result we all resided at the same church. I mentioned in a previous post that my W came over a few months back to tell me about all of the couples at the church that were getting divorced and this was one of the persons she was talking about. So we carry on a bit about that, and I honestly was not trying to so I guess I can blame it on the alcohol; no pun intended. So he asked is it true and I said no it is not true. We are not together but we are not divorced. He says well I'm sorry to tell you this, but that's what your wife is telling people. Then to add further insult, he tells me that the person she was with before me was one of the people he heard it from. I know; believe none of what you hear and half of what you see. I could interject that a few time in this post.
So he later asks if I still go to the church and I said yes. He did not believe me b/c he said he was asked to leave b/c after a divorce one of the spouses has to leave the church for good. I told him that no one had said anything yet and I will continue to go until. At least that is how I felt at the time. Then as we know, people make the world go round, he asked if I knew the person my W was with before me and I said no, I don't involve myself w/ those things. I honestly did not. My W and I never really talked of our past, but she moved from home in with me so my past was all around her. Not in plain sight, but over the years she dug and dug. I was never privy to her past. So he feels obligated to tell me that he knows that this person is more than likely pursuing her. So that goes into “Well if you are not divorced then what's going on, have you two talked about it" I told him for the last time we were not divorced but separated about a year. I told him that I knew he was divorced b/c my W told me about it but she had not offered any outlook on our marriage. So he says "It's been close to a year and you guys have not talked about where this is going". All I could say is no. And as everyone else is telling me, he says "You need to move on man, life is short". So in the process of the conversation he introduces me to some young ladies and I tell him that I just out w/ the fellas and that I was not trying to do anything and had not done anything in 365. So he says that's cool that you want it to work. Now I regret that gave that up.
Now, I have learned a lot about relationships from the insight I've garnered from the forum and from persons in the forum. I have even obtained three books as a result that seem very helpful with understanding all of this; DR, Not Just Friends and No More Mr. Nice Guy; just started this one. W/ that said, I knew that there we no guarantees and not only can I, but I know I have to accept what is. It just ironic that the world view, well at least with people I know they look at me like I'm lost when I proclaim things that I have learned and how I wish to go about it. For instance, if I was to tell someone I don't bring up relationship talk, I am just giving her space. They just can't wrap their minds around it or maybe around the amount of time that has passed. As a result, the "Even though what your doing doesn't feel right you need to do it. You can't do what you would normally do" has made me wonder a few times. This is long enough, but I have more and my W is supposed to be comming over tomorrow so she says I mean text.
Here's the final recap of my weekend vent and what is to come. I've made up my mind. Last night my neighbor invited me over and we get to talking and I told him what happened at the club the night before. We talked for hours until 3 in the morning and unbeknown to me he tells me that my W knocked at his door around the time we separated. And although he hesitated b/c he had company, he excused himself and stepped out to the porch see what was up. He further says your W said this and that about your M and why she was doing what she was doing: I was controlling, we never did anything together, I was seeing other women etc, etc. He said the conversation lasted about 20-25 minutes. I first let him know that that was not cool, and as a friend he should have not listened and should have told me about this sooner and that she was just looking for validation and just convincing herself. I know that rarely really ever happens; this is the real world and people are nosy as all hell. I'm sure he just enjoyed being able to talk to her one on one. I stand corrected, I think he actually did kind of touch on that situation before but we just never really got into it and he never told me she knocked at his door. I just assumed it was something she said in passing not a 20 minute conversation. But in any case, it is just disrespect.
He says, I never really wanted to tell you all of that, but I know a lot of other stuff, that is why I have just been telling you to move on and let her go. I believe him to an extent b/c my other neighbors, a married couple who have since moved elsewhere, caused I feel a lot of dysfunction in our M to the point where there were altercations that almost reached a physical level. Well, not the husband but the wife caused issues which led to me and her husband having words. At one point, I asked my W to stop going out and dealing with this lady, not indefinite but just for a while so we can get a handle on our M and partly b/c my W was telling me the things her friend was doing and I was growing more and more uncomfortable w/ their relationship. I told my W that I needed her to tell her friend to give us some space and if she did not, I would. Well my wife went and told her friend that and she told her husband; catalyst for the altercation. More disrespect. I swear her and my wife were inseparable to the point where I thought something was going on w/ them. Anyway, during a fallout years ago, my W runs over to this ladies house b/c she decided she was leaving me b/c I scared her or something. I was just calming down and letting her calm down, so I started calling my W to tell her to come home w/ no response. After several attempts, this woman answers my wife's cell phone and says "Hello, it's him do you want to talk to him". I could not believe the level of disrespect from my W as well as letting this woman interfere w/ our M. I knew for certain that I would have some legal problems that night b/c I was at capacity. If I am correct my W's mother came over and she went home for a day or so and came back. Well anyway, this couple I'm speaking of, the husband keeps regular contact w/ the neighbor that invited me over last night. And I know for fact that his W and my W are still hanging tough; tougher than leather. So I guess he constantly gives my other neighbor updates to what my W is out here doing. Side note: I was never invited over to these peoples house. My W was over there a lot and her friend was over to our house a few times. But we as couples, were never over each other's house all together. There were several items of discussion on that as well.
Well as I have mentioned, I have made up my mind. I have just been on the fence w/ this for months even before the events that occurred this weekend. I can also say honestly that I would have never sacrificed my heart and my mind for this amount of time if not for reading DR. And that is not a snub. I regret nothing I've done or learned for I am much stronger and wiser but I know I would not have endured this pain in this manner even as a child of God that knows that divorce is not good. I simply would have not waited this long. I would do anything for this to work God knows. I have prayed and asked him to take this in his hands months ago b/c it was so much bigger than me. I don't believe in speaking negative things into the universe, so I'll just say that it is time I bow out gracefully before I really get shook. I was actually going to wait a full year, the 24th of this month, but what does 8 days matter at this point. It seems as if she has grown desensitized to my love and our M. My W text me while I was posting earlier that she was going to bring the tax info tomorrow, but I don't really need it now. She still operates like she has the power. I don't have to be available but I will just for the sake of my intentions. Instead, I will use this time/opportunity to not pressure but to speak with my wife and bring this to a head in a pure environment. Que sera whatever will be, will be. And I cannot lie, I want to see her, I have not touched her in a year. It's just mind blowing and I know that w/ a WAS nothing is supposed to make sense, but damn. I mean I could be wrong, but besides the obvious, what women leaves behind 20 something boxes of shoes and a few coach purses. I still love my W and want the M, but I can no longer knowingly offer myself and erode my core any further for uncertainty.
Well my plan did not work, my W pulled a work around on me kinda. I called & text her back yesterday night after she said she could bring the tax info and left a message to just let me know when would be a good time b/c I had plans; she never answers her phone. If by chance she calls me she just hangs up and does not leave a message. If she does leave a message it is done by the voicemail system that allows you to leave a voicemail from a message someone has sent you and that way you dont have to physically call. Seems as if she is trying to hide what she is doing from someone. Maybe she is being controlled, doesnt want to mess up her current investment or showing someone the respect she should have shown me. She is avoiding me for some reason or another. She's operating like she's undercover to where she can't tell me when she can be here and then just shows up. I may not get a chance to talk to her, she is being to evasive. I actually would like to talk about our M and where it is going or not going to gain some closure. But from what I seen today, if I told her we needed to talk about this, she may just bring the dissolution papers and put them in my car. Why is she avoiding me and not wanting to deal with this? Should I look at this as confusion w/her or hope for us? I have not been out to my care yet maybe she left the dissolution papers to; that just hit me, and would not surprize me. I have heard there is an OM, just not from her yet. I knew this all along, at least that's how it felt.
I was in such a rush earlier that I failed to mention what actually happened. My W, at sompe point called and I missed her call. She left no message, so I did some of the things I had to do and when I returned home I called and text her to see when she would be able to come. She text me back saying she put the tax info in my car. Ironic enough, I did not drive my car today, I was with friends. So I am not sure if she even came to the house when she called or just pulled up next to my car and put the forms in it and took off. I was possibly home when this happened
Life; too bad we don't live long enough to figure it all out. Well, I took the step to move forward, that's just where I am at in my life and w/this situation. I decided not to involve myself in any capacity w/my W. As I stated, I was going to try to speak w/her concerning our sitch when she brought the tax papers by but she just put them in my car and left. When I got the tax papers I noticed that she only gave me the second page; the first page was absent, possibly b/c of a new address. She sent me a text that night saying "your welcome" and I just replied with thanks, but before I sent the text not sure why maybe emotions or small talk I revised the text and said "thanks but what was up w/the delivery method. Why are you hiding?" I think I grabbed back at the rope. She text me back saying "you're a silly man; I see your still on yourself. Why would I have to hide from you? I'm not going to offer evil for evil" Now this new slogan of hers has found its way to my phone a lot lately "I'm not going to offer evil for evil" I honestly just got sick of hearing/reading that from her so I responded not w/blame and just explained the definition of evil to her and also made a note that collectively she has never seen evil in me. I know no lectures, but the damage is done.
Now she starts calling every other day back to back, but never leaves a message. She also sends text; I respond to neither. Then last week on the 2nd my phone rings back to back 4 times at 7:30 in the morning, I thought it was something about my father but it's my W. She still leaves no messages and I have no intent on returning the call. Then I thought, something may have happened this is kind of early. So I decide to call her back after a few minutes. While I'm making the call I get a text message then she answers her phone. She says "Oh, I have to say something crazy for you to call" I don't know what she's talking about so I just ask what's up? She locked herself out of her car and wanted to know if I still had a key. I told her I did I would just have to look for it and I would call her back. Ironically, the same thing happened to me a month or so ago; she called me back almost 3 hours later. She calls me back around 20 minutes later and says don't worry about it she called the insurance provider and they do lockouts. We are still tied in that way. She carries me on her car insurance and I carry her on my health insurance. I have to get the D or wait until the next enrollment to take her off. But playing my position, I kept her on considering that she was laid off from work.
So before I leave for school I check the text message I received while calling my W. It was a text from her saying "I hope you never in life need anything else from me" I guess that what she was referring to as having to say something crazy for me to respond. Whatever the case, that really made me do some soul searching and actually had me in some low areas. Had I read that text, I know I would have never given her the time of day. I thought last night, not in a blame game but if I had to be truthful and honest w/myself I thought "My wife has probably been out on me more than once in our R" I just really sat and thought about all of the things that she's done and said over all these years just from that text. But she says that she is not going to offer evil for evil. No sweat, I'm still good, it just set me back trying to understand how she could even think to say something like that. Hell, I'm only kidding myself, that's been her history. She's left more than I can count and she's been saying things off the cuff like that here and there for the past few years. I don't need that. We live, we learn. That's what this process has been for me.
On another note, I was thinking I need a new GAL. Since this surgery on my hand, I have not been able to do much at all. But I have decided to spend some time learning to cook more/better. Never been much of a meat eater and even went w/out meat for 4 years. I have been doing chicken breast or turkey no red meat for at least 15 years. You have to eat to live. Besides, there should be a law against how much shake n bake I've used over this past year.
After I hit that submit button yesterday and re-read what I post and I was somewhat uncomfortable about that 3rd paragraph. I guess just still venting and my PMA took a blow after the text from my W a few days ago and it's still w/me. It is what it is though. She has said and done some very unscruplous things in recent years that warrant one to think in that manner. I guess I was thin slicing courtesy of "Blink" by Malcolm Gladwell which I read almost a year ago. You know just that gut feeling or intuition you have about something. Real talk; I dont have any real proof of anything other than what led to our 1st visit to a MC so I should just deal with what is right now and keep my mind out of negativity. Against my own guise, I don't care to think negative things. She is just so irrational and heartless I dont have the capacity to justify any involvement with her. That is truly sad after all these years but I am not the first and wont be the last; I just have to keep standing. I don't know the person she has become but I know she knows me. No regrets - peace
