Thanks 25. Seriously, you had a lot to do with it...after you stopped posting, I kind of got down on myself and was a bit unnerved by my attachment to this board and all of the obsessing and spinning and time expenditure here. It freaked me out that I was so reliant on it. At that same time, my depression was really kicking in and I tell you, I was rock bottom with fantasies of suicide (not saying I would ever do it, just thought about it a lot). So, I relate to others who can't let go. If you've predetermined that you would sooner die than get divorced, you are more than a tad screwed when your spouse decides that's what's happening.
But, I needed to go there to get to another place.
I got away for a weekend and sort of found myself...felt myself as MY SELF, separate and apart from H and the kids (been a long time coming)...someday over coffee I can tell you about my excursion, was too profound and personal to post on here.
Anyway, I believe that there is no real getting through to someone. You can plant seeds but until they are intrinsically motivated, they wont change, can't really change...it is the nature of our wiring, something has to click. I had feelings and experiences while I was away that I forgot I was capable of having. How do you impart that to someone??? You just can't and for many, only at bottom is there hope for real catharsis.
I am getting better. My pace has been frustrating for many IRL...why am I not divorcing him yet? Why don't I have a job yet? Why...but I am taking actions every day that are leading to small changes which are building up to bigger changes. The prospect of allowing my life to be puppeteered, by my parents or my H or my friends, just doesn't fly with me. I have to find my groove.
Everyday I am learning so much.
Slow and steady...I know that fast-forwarding is not an option.
