It's MY life now!!!........

[Silent Chrleader]

Well, right now I'm not too picky with my fantasies!!!

[SoCo]

haha!! Yeah, I totally understand.

[dl443322]

Hey SC,I hear ya about sometimes feeling like you are going through the motions. I guess we all get through it when we do.

I am trusting that one day you and I will be happy again. In the meantime, we just have to keep living!

[Silent Chrleader]

Depressed today and even had a couple panic attacks......first time with those in forever! Frustrating.

I met with my new Naturepath Dr today. She seems really great. I am hoping she can help with getting a handle on my hormone levels, possible food allergies, and metabolism issues. Things have not been right physically for me for a long time, and I am on way too many "permanent" medications for a woman my age!!

Trying to get healthy physically, mentally and spiritually. This Dr seems like she can really help!

Still been feeling like I want to call H......I did have to call about getting a copy of the Medical account which he said I could use for co-pays. I am grateful for that. Still hurting though.

He went up to dream house for weekend with GF and SIL and BIL......introducing GF to the family now apparently....

Funny thing...... H asked my step-dad to do some work on car for GF's son. Step-dad did the work. Remember, step-dad works for H. Now, H appears to be hiring my alcoholic brother as a night janitor at his facility. So, H is still a "member of the family". It's weird. Not sure how I feel about that.

[Silent Chrleader]

Been really depressed and weepy today! My hormones are a big factor I think......

Had a few communications with H. All nice and supportive. Met with the bankruptcy lawyer to sign papers for my Chapter 7. All is just great! So, if we can be so "amicable" and supportive of each other in getting a D, why can't we use that same care to try to save our M!!!??? I just don't get it!

I am doing all the "right" things. GAL, PMA..... It doesn't seem to help. I miss my H. I will always love him. Why doesn't he love me!!!!??

H is coming over on Saturday to do some work on the house. He even asked me to call D24 and ask her to bring over GD, which is a little unusual for him. He is making an effort I can see...... trying to do the right thing...... But he still doesn't want the M...... doesn't want me....... And when I talk to him I am happy and upbeat and positive and supportive of the D........and all the while, my heart is breaking.

[Silent Chrleader]

Felt much better today...... These mood swings have got to go!!!!

[Silent Chrleader]

Had several communications with H today regarding issues with the bankruptcy and possible tax consequenses down the road for how things are allowed for in the bankruptcy and Seperation/D. There BR lawyer said that it may be that it would be best if we did a legal sep for the duration of H's Chapter 13 (3 years) and then do the D. When I passed this information to H, I was a little surprised that he was OK with that, although he made a point to nip any "hopes" I may hold in the bud if that happens. His exact words were "I think you and I would both be just fine with that so long as it's understood that it's solely for the protection of our money." ........

[Silent Chrleader]

I'm sitting here crying.....but it's not a bad thing. I think I just passed another milestone in this journey that I wasn't aware that I was even approaching.

In the past few weeks, as I have said, I have been feeling such a desire to talk to H, but I didn't know what I wanted to accomplish.....or what could be accomplished. I have talked to C about it and was just waiting to see if the feeling would pass.....and I didn't want to chance "rocking the boat" because H and I have been getting along very well and I didn't want joepardize that.

Well, H came over today to work on the house. So did S18, D24, SIL, & GD. It was an OK day. After D24 & fam left, and while S18 was showering, H and I had an oportunity to talk. And we were talking about how things are going at work and what work he was able to finish up at the dream property, and when I asked him how many were up there that week helping him, he said "just the two of us" (H and GF). And, I just opened my mouth and said what was in my heart.

We talked about so many things. And I wasn't sure about how to say what I wanted to say......but H was open and receptive and we actually had the most open conversation we've had in years. I told H that when he told me months ago that he didn't love GF, I didn't know if he was just trying to spare my feelings or if that was how he truly felt, but that I really wanted him to be happy and I hoped he would wait for love. He said he thought he would definitely wait, and that right now things are OK with the relationship, if not perfect.

I told him that he didn't seem very happy because he never smiled, and I hoped that perhaps that was just because he was uncomfortable around here, and that he smiled more "out there". He said that there wasn't much to smile about at work (lots of crap going on there), but that he felt fairly content with his life right now, and was not looking for a committed relationship. He said he felt more at ease there, and I said that perhaps that was precisely because he did not have feelings for GF, and he agreed that that was likely the case. So, I then told him about what C had told me about his thoughts that H may have an attachment disorder, and I explained to H what that meant (i.e. no voice for emotion, playing the roles but not feeling it...... and mind you H has always been that way, not just since MLC!). When I told him about that, he actually agreed that that sounded very possible, and that he did not think that he would ever be able to be able to feel compfortable in an "emotional" relationship. He even said that even being around D24 with her "chaotic" emotionality and thinking was like "sandpaper rubbing on his skin". (his words).

I told H that I believe he pushes things away that he doesn't want to look at because underneath he feels inadequate (I think this is definitely part of why he feels so uncompfortable with D24 and her "idocyncrisies"), but that often times, eventually things have to come to the surface, and that I found it easy to imagine that happening because after all our years together, I did know him better than he might think. I told him that he may some day face some feelings he doesn't see coming (i.e. "hit bottom" or "crash") and that if/when he ever did, I wanted him to remember to be kind to himself. He said he felt he is kind to himself, but he would try to remember.

I also told him that I was truly thankful for him having the courage to stand up and say he was unhappy, and that I wasn't sory for the seperation because I have grown and I needed to do that. I told him that I still believe that the person he wants to be and the person I want to be could be happy together (and that we had to be apart to grow into those people), but that I understood and accepted that he felt differently. I also told him that I hoped in my next relationship to have someone who was more capable of sharing their thoughts and feelings freely. AND, I actually told him about the psychic. I didn't go in debth, but just told him that she said I would find a new love within a year. Then I laughed and said I didn't know why I told him that and he laughed a little and said he didn't know either.

Before he left he came up to me and said "I'll give you a hug before you have to ask." and he did just that. And I hugged him "tightly"......for what I know is for the last time in my life and I whispered in his ear that I would always love him, and he said "OK."

After he left...... I kept thinking about what I was trying to accomplish with this talk and if I had accomplished it. Yes, I had cried during the conversation, but they felt like cleansing tears, and H didn't get agitated or seem annoyed with them, and stayed very receptive during the whole thing. I mulled it over in my mind, and it suddenly came to me....... and I called him on his cell phone......

I told him that I didn't plan the conversation and felt like I had wanted to say something and wasn't saying it very well at all, and that I had just realized what it was......and then I told him that I forgave him! I told him I didn't mean to lay blame by that statement, but that I truly believed that he never meant to hurt me, and that I know he is a good man. And that if I were to die tomorrow, I wouldn't want it to be without having told him that, and making sure that he understood that I truly meant it. And that I do not want him to have any burdens of guilt on my behalf.

He said "Oh." and then was silent a couple seconds and then said "That is very warmly appreciated and accepted. Thank you!" And I told him I hoped he had a good time at his "man-date" with his friend tonight, and said goodbye.

I'm still sitting here crying.......but I feel as if a weight has been lifted. I know I will find happiness in my life. My heart is whole, and it is strong.

And I've been having an e-mail conversation with the gentleman who contacted me through the dating website. He matches much of what the psychic told me so far......it's a little exciting..... but scary too....... time will tell.

[hoosiermama]

Forgiveness is a wonderful thing--takes a long time to get there for some, and others never succeed in letting go. Good for you!

[Silent Chrleader]

Thanks, Hoozh!

Yes, I'm feeling pretty OK right now. I know that H would never have asked it of me, but I wanted to give it......for him and for me.

He just called me a minute ago and said he was thinking about D24 saying she needed a dinette set (she and SIL and GD are moving into their own place next week) and said he has an oak table and chairs up at the dream house that she can have. When he told me about it, he said it's a round oak table like the first little one we bought (which was 20+ years ago). It's a small thing but it was a nice to hear him be able to refer to our history. He has avoided doing that for the most part, so maybe my having said the words provided a good step toward healing for us both.

And I am very grateful that he thinks about the family and tries to help. I even told him that though I appreciated him being willing to offer my alcoholic brother a job, to not feel like he had to do that for me. He said that he wasn't doing it for me, but for my brother.