We sold our home

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Thanks for the response Bluerain! Wow I hadn't checked in here for awhile...I am glad I did! I appreciate you taking the time to read my sitch and givng feedback. The latest for me is that I received notice that my STBX's attorney was withdrawing from the case (due to lack of response and money from him). I told my STBX I received the notice, but no response. I just dont know what he is thinking or what he is planning. Is he going to get another attorney or what? My attorney thinks we need to just ask for a trial date. He knows I dont want this divorce and I know he thinks I am just nuts for being willing to just be in limbo. I am not sure if I should just push forward with the divorce so we have some sort of closure or just wait on him to do something. The court would eventually dismiss it if I do nothing. Do I want to be married on paper only? I just dont know.

When I see him he is normal and friendly, but never addresses any serious question that may be out there. I do worry he spends most of his time drinking. He is still not working. His drinking makes me feel more dismal about our relationship. It is an all-consuming thing for him and once he admits he has a problem, it'll really be all-consuming.

I stopped long ago telling him "how great we could have it if we could get through this", "that others have problems", etc. I wrote him a letter Oct 2008 telling him that I accept his decision to end our marriage and also telling him I was glad we had time together before I had moved out where we loved and were friends like we used to be. I appreciated that. He never said anything about the letter so I'm not sure if he read it or what.

So I am just focusing on supporting my kids and keeping them in the schools they've been in since Kindergarten. I have been working doing my regular work but through an agency so it has been off and on. I've recently accepted a FT position that I hope to start in 1-2 months. I need a Washington license (I'm in Oregon) and need to do some CE before I can actually apply. When I do see my STBX I jsut dont know how to act. I feel like he filed for divorce, so obviously he doesnt want to be married to me. So I've taken that to mean when I see him at kids functions I don't go out of my way to say hi to him or sit by him. Last night I went to watch my girls at basketball camp for awhile and planned to make a quick exit at the end. My oldest daughter caught up to me and was like "why are you leaving without saying anything?" I had actually talked to my girls who were in the camp, as I was there for about 3 hours. When my STBX and my oldest arrived about 45 mins before camp ended, I said hello when I saw them and talked with my daughter for awhile. I just feel so awkward. If it is his time with the kids I just feel like I need to give him space to do that. He only has them every other weekend. I dont want to interfere with his time. But then my oldest makes it seem like I'm being weird. So I'm just not sure anymore. If I hang around and talk to them I feel like I have "desperate" and "yes, Im chasing you" written all over my face. Maybe I'm being paranoid. Am I being weird? Isn't that the point someone who has filed for divorce is making? I never imagined I'd be divorced and have no idea how this is all supposed to work.

As far as getting a life, I have been focusing on making my house a home for my children. We have done stuff together, like bike rides, church outings. I have been trying to do stuff with my friends when we have the time, like a movie or dinner. Having 4 teenagers keeps me pretty busy! I feel like they are all so close to being all grown that I dont like to plan too much away from them. My time left before they are gone is limited. Since we moved out I have been working a lot more so I can support us. I haven't saved any money, but I am proud that I have been able to provide a home and for their basic needs. My STBX hasnt given me any actual child support. He has paid my car insurance and paid towards our cell bill a couple of times. I dont know how he has been surviving all these months not working. I know his mom has sent money on occasion. He is super tight with what he does have, though. The kids know not to ask him for ANYTHING! Which means everything falls on me. I guess its not a lot different from when we were married. He just contributed towards household expenses but the kids came to me for anything they needed.

We will be married 20 years in March 2010. I thought we had a great relationship up until about 7 years ago. I noticed that he was just mean and critical all the time when he was home. My response was to stop talking to him. Well this spiraled as you could imagine to where we are now. The reasons he gave me for wanting out or not loving me anymore were....1) There was a time where I tried a home based business to supplement my income that didn't work out. He cant seem to get over that. 2) I also asked him at one point if he was having an affair because I felt like I just couldn't reach him. He couldnt believe I could think such a thing. He brings it up to this day. 3) There are some other big finance stuff that has caused a lot of stress in our life that I think he blames me for at least partially.

My kids are 16 (almost 17), 14, 12 and 12 (almost 13). My 16 and 12 year olds have the same Dec birthdays!

In June 2008 I found the divorce papers he had just filed in his car. We talked some after that about why he wanted a divorce and why I didnt. Since then we really havent talked. I said that to him about 6 or 8 months ago and he said we had many conversations about it. He sees it differrently than I do.

Thanks for listening....