In Utter Agony...Long 1st Post

[eternaloptimist]

EO, I will respond more later. Is the sitch with the therapist totally busted up? What were some of the problems in your marriage? What 180s are working? What are his LLs?
I agree with the threapaist about confusing your son with pizza night. Maybe you two could go out to eat.
I reconciled after getting served D papers and my wife moving out. I understand the pain and thoughts running thru your head. You can handle it.

Cheers

Thanks, Coach. (Hugs) Thanks so much for your post. I feel so alone because I don't know anyone where I live who is separated. (I tried to find a support group but haven't had any luck.) It's pretty clear that my Husband has borderline personality disorder. His rage continues even now that he's moved out. He blames me for everything. I've done everything I can to contradict what he blames me for. Before he moved out, he tried to draw me into conflict any time he could, even saying he was waiting for me to go all "Fatal Attraction" on him after he moved out. I was shocked at his paranoia and accusations. I couldn't understand why he'd even say that to me because I haven't pursued him at all, not even a phone call unless he calls me first. I've been DBing for months. It's all just so ironic...everything he accuses me of doing he turns around and does himself. My heart wants to hold on to our marriage and family. But the more distance I get from his rage, the more I see him as having a mental illness that is damaging to me and our son. If he would get into therapy, I would probably reconsider. I've been in therapy since April to cope with all of this. My Dad has a mental illness, so I have endless empathy, which is why I guess I tolerated all of his rage for so long. I thought I was sticking by him...then he turns around and wants a divorce.

I'm pretty sure the therapist sitch has been over since May. My husband is just too unhappy to be having an affair. Then again, I could be wrong. I've not seen his apartment yet and when I've offered to bring our son there, he makes every excuse so that I don't come there. Should I be suspicious?

The problems in our marriage are wide and deep---lots of loss and one tragedy after the other. I betrayed his trust 12 years ago when I was unhappy and told him I wanted a divorce. I was also financially unfaithful to him several times in recent years regarding my student loans and credit cards, and he never forgave me, even though we renewed our marriage vows. I totally own that I did not change enough and broke his trust. But I truly made the choice to love him for who he is, good and bad, and I loved him despite him treating me with contempt for years. Then one of his best friends was murdered in 2006. After this tragedy, we made some life-altering decisions to move, buy/sell houses, change jobs, that negatively affected our lives. The consequence of that was my husband didn't honor himself in any of the decisions. I think these things culminated in 2007 and pushed him mentally over the edge to the point that he left the marriage emotionally. That is when he emotionally detached from me and started relying on two other women to meet his emotional needs. I thought I was giving him the space he kept demanding.

I don't know if my "no contact" 180 is working. Maybe that is just pushing him further away? I'm at such a loss on what to do because no matter what, he finds something to rage at me about. If I'm nice, he gets pissed. If I offer him any of the extra food I have, he gets mad. I never was a nag in our marriage, never made any demands of any kind, basically he could go anywhere/do anything and I never questioned it. I trusted him. I think one of his LL is acts of service and words of affirmation b/c he says that some of the things I said to him out of anger were the "last straw." So conversely, I think the positive things would be valued. He doesn't care about physical touch or gifts.

On the day he moved out, I gave him his favorite cookies, a Little Golden Book called "I Love You Daddy," from our son, and a card from me that basically said that I am thinking of him and that I will always care about him. He read it and cried and said, "We both F----ed up our marriage."

Today, when he picked up our son, he raged at me and said he was having a bad day. I didn't ask any questions, just sad I was sorry he was having such a bad day. He stormed out with our son. He was supposed to have him until 6 pm. He called me at 3 pm and said "I'm done with him for the day and going back to the house." Done with him? (Sigh) So I got home early at 4 pm and then he just raged at me. He questioned who I was with, said I was being "prickish" to say I was with friends and didn't tell him who it was. Then he said he wanted me to pay him $2 for the gas he had to put in the lawnmower. When I gave him the money, he threw it back at me.

I'm just so exhausted...