Acting like a wimp is not going to save your marriage. Your w does not respect you because she can walk all over you and your only concern is if she will hate you.
Go PITCH BLACK!! She started this mess and you need to do something shocking and without warning, NOW! Do not contact her or respond to her in any way for awhile. Let her stew in it.
Actually it is as I said more likely that she thinks I hate her, she knows she behaved like a wretch. She expects me to hate her.
I like the idea of very minimal if not no contact but not as revenge or to show I'm no wimp. I like it because I want to stop the continual attacks we wage on each other.
Hi, X2, I may be quiet for a few days - death in the family. Have your gotten and read the DB/Dr books? I'll help out as soon as I can, but yes, no contact is a good idea for awhile. It gives her a chance to initiate and it prevents you from (unintentionally) pushing her farther away. When/if she does contact, show her the most upbeat you you can be.
Cheers,
Dia
The trouble with having an open mind is that people put things in it.
My sitch - Divorce Busted! http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1804137#Post1804137
Your wife thought cheating was ok just because she was "honest" with you about it? That really takes the cake. She just wants to keep beating you over the head with this so she feels less guilt.
Sorry to take so long posting-been busy this week. I agree with Kimmie. My analogy is; if someone commits a crime would it be ok b/c they told you they were going to do it? If someone tells you I'm going to rob someone, it's ok b/c they told you? Obviously that's not true. My H said that too, like it excuses immoral or bad behavior b/c they're honest about it? I think both of you did stuff that hurt the marriage, but it's easier maybe to look at someone else' behavior instead of our own.
I would recommend going dark and dropping the rope. This isn't done for revenge, but usually to escape negative patterns that it sounds like you're having and to get some calm & peace. Focus on yourself and improving yourself as much as you can. Make yourself into the best person you can be.
Your wife thought cheating was ok just because she was "honest" with you about it? That really takes the cake. She just wants to keep beating you over the head with this so she feels less guilt.
I would recommend going dark and dropping the rope. This isn't done for revenge, but usually to escape negative patterns that it sounds like you're having and to get some calm & peace. Focus on yourself and improving yourself as much as you can. Make yourself into the best person you can be.
Karen
I am doing that. I have heard people talk abt going dark until the other spouse initiates. What is considered initiating? Text is bogus isn't it?
Actually she didn't say it was okay, what she said was she was sorry and was ready to deal with that issue however difficult it was but while she was deciding that she wanted to reconcile and was telling me so in little bits at a time, I was carrying on with OW while telling wife "yes yes I want to be back together" In this she feels very betrayed and I agree, but I wish she could get past that as I could with her betrayal.
My affair is OVER OVER OVER! I hate the OW in fact the way she manipulated my wife and her ex-husband so that she could have me to herself. I saw it all happen and I know what (the OM and OW) are all about. Selfish vindictive vultures willing to destroy to have their own feeling of security. Because of the vulnerability of my wife and I due to our own very deep personal issues, we were used by these others and now we are the most miserable of them all.
My past is full of abandonment issues, I grew up in a children's home, My wife has trust issues and fear of poverty due to her drunk dad, enabling mom.
Stop beating yourself up! And stop defending yourself.
Please, just stop and go pitch black. It will befuddle her when she realizes that she won't be able to yank your chain anymore. And this isn't for revenge, it is for your own sanity and to help you re-group.
I understand abandonment issues. So many of us have them and it just makes us needy and clingy. NOT very attractive.
And yes, texts really are sooo bogus. It's such a chickensh!t way to communicate. So do not respond in any way. Please! I'm begging you!!!
Let her sit in her own sh!t for awhile. Don't cave or you'll look weak again and you will be back to square one. Actually, you will be further back than square one.
Drop the rope. Go pitch black. Be still. Re-group. Re-focus. Do whatever you damn well please.
DO NOT CONTACT HER OR RESPOND TO HER. AT ALL!
You can do this. You will feel like crap for awhile, but you can do this. If you feel yourself weakening, come here for a few well-placed 2x4's.
That is precisely what I have begun doing however....
Is there any appropriate action that she would take that would warrant a reaction from me? otherwise it sounds like you are advising divorce. Do you know what I mean?
