On the verge of a meltdown.

[Stronger]

Try it once. Try it with all of your strength. See what happens. The next time she tries to pull you into a fight, look at her with sympathy and validate and walk away. Be nice. Kill it with kindness....you'll be shocked.

[harpo]

You are so right.as it turns out it was just my pathetic lapse of reason that took over me instead of trying to rationalize what was actually fact.turns out they took the train into the city.which explained her getting home so late.again I let it get the best of me.I just have so much on my plate right now.but I do need to prioritize.starting now I am making a punch list as they say "one day at a time".oh yeah, Hi I'm Harpo and I'm an a**hole.....
"hi Harpo"

Stronger thanks for the 2x4.
God Bless

[healthydad]

Hey Harpo -
Tough spell you're going through...I feel for you in a big way...
Have you read the DB books yet? A lot of what they say is played out here - and offered here in many different ways - but it's useful as hell to read through those books and see what they have to offer...and then reread them...I found Divorce Remedy to be more useful - but either is fine.

Also wanted to say that I agree that it's time for you to stop wasting your energy on trying to figure out your W or trying to change her mind - you can only take care of yourself - and that's how you will take care of your kids - if, as the end of this part of your life, you and your W are working things about again - that will be great - but if that doesn't happen you have to make sure that you do everything within your power to improve yourself.

It's wonderful to see how much your children love you.

-Carlos.

[harpo]

@ healthydad
I am still trying get the DB books.hopefully soon.
taking care of myself and kids is #1,this is a hard fight but I have to keep getting up.Hopefully with each passing day I become closer to my goals.

Thanks for your thoughts.
God Bless

[healthydad]

It is a hard fight, Harpo - maybe the toughest one you'll go through in your life - but it's such a rare opportunity to learn things about yourself that you would never have received before. When it starts to hurt or feel overwhelming, I would suggest that you allow yourself to feel it - if it feels like too much - just ask for the load to be lightened a bit - and allow yourself to feel less of it for a while...but it is important to feel, process and let go. Every time you do, you get stronger - which is something a lot of people outside the sitch don't really see - that crying, feeling the sorrow and the pain, is part of what makes one stronger through all of this - much like tearing a muscle, making it hurt, to build it up.

Keep checking in here - and keep posting to others - the more you interact with this community, the more it helps you.

Hang in there,
Carlos.

[harpo]

carlos thanks for the support I appreciate it.

I actually had a good couple of days.got caught up on yard work.couple hundred pounds of laundry.fixed a couple odd jobs
cleaned the boys room which kinda bit the biggy but oh well.
over all it was kind of calming. there were a couple of choke up moments but one day at a time.

God Bless

[harpo]

Well it was short lived.
I have some issues involved with the home.During all these sudden outbursts of random kindness.I haven't noticed a statement from the Mortgage Company.The W changed the mailing addy so they go to her P.O Box.not a big to do except she hasn't paid it.and I don't think she will.Until her grand illusion transpires and I move out(ha).I spoke with the Mort. Co. and gave them my sitch.I also applied for a refi under a new Gov.program to try and lower the payments since I am in a A.R.M.but I have a snowball in Arizona chance.and even if every thing else pans out I still have to come up with some coin.There is no way I can go back to my previous profession (Mechanic).and the job market really s@cks right now.the only dim light I have is taking a loan on my pending lawsuit.but I will get killed on interest.but I may have too.And My oldest S20 is moving back in since his GF is going to college and her parents gave him the boot.(long overdue) that is another story.any way chin up, chest out.Carry on.!

God Bless

[harpo]

Dim light at the end.

Have had a couple encounters with W that I refused to be pulled into. I took strongers advice and just let her know my position and left it at that remained calm and retreated."Holy cowturds batman",it worked.last few days she has rather "earthly" so to say.she actually called me out of the blue while @ the pool with the kids and asked If I would like to join them.I also had a chat with her because I was concerned with S12 as he confided in me saying he wasn't happy about the co-worker(guy)she was hanging out with.he told me he was worried something was going on.I have to admit also I was bothered by it. so I had to inquire.she informed me it was nothing,and if it was really bothering everybody she would stay away.apparently S14 had already confronted her on it also.she also let me know she wasn't
the least bit interested in anyone else.which put me at ease a tad.

she also thanked me for spending time with them.
she was glad we were actually talking.I thanked her for letting me.I also told her I thought it was good for the family in general and she agreed.I also had a brief moment of weakness.there she was looking so hot,in a bikini and my libido just screaming.I asked her about a date night.she actually thought about it for a few moments,and then said she had some anger issues to take of first.I told her I understood.she still seems to be angry that I refuse to move out.sorry I am not giving in on that one.I didn't tell her that though.
I'll just have to step back and keep up with what I am doing as it seems to be working.at least I pray it is.we shall see.

God Bless

[Goodfight]

Harpo,

Great baby step! I never even got close to that months ago I asked H if we could just get together as friends when he was back on meds and acting nice and things but he told me back then that he would call me if he ever wanted to go out or do anything together with D12.

Then he stopped taking meds and went right back into angry stage in the middle of April and has been there ever since. If you get a chance I posted on my thread and would appreciate any input on your part. He wrote back to our D.

Keep up the good work!

[harpo]

One forward two back.
W calls me she was pretty upset on the phone.wanted to know if I was going to be able to keep up with the mortgage.she well knows I can't.it is just not possible due to my current sitch with my health.I have been looking into some kind of employment but with my lapse in work and condition it is going to be a battle.

She started to get very agitated and emotional stared crying then yelling then aggressive.she is obviously stressed.she wanted to know why I wouldn't move out.we have been through this numerous times,but I let her know in a kind and gentle way I am not doing it to be hurtful,spiteful or for revenge this is my home.it's not much but it is all we have.the only family I have is 2 hours away.I will not desert my kids and this would put a big strain on visitation.I don't believe I see them enough as it is.and it would be emotional agony for both the kids and myself.we don't need anymore.

then she told me it was going to cost her a $1000.00 for the attorney to file for exclusive rights to the marital home which if she had to go that route it would take away from other things she could do with the money.and there was no guarantee she would win then she would have to move back in anyway.

The kids start school and she wants to have them settled.things at her parents house are starting to get a little uncomfortable.
kids are getting angry they want to be home.I told her they deserve to be home and that this is their home.I told her just move back.she made the choice to leave.she said she doesn't want to give the kids false hope.(like no hope is the better option)
she agreed to get together so we can discuss what are options are
I am just at crossroad and need some advice,this whole situation
just s@cks big time.

On a side note Saturday I brought the kids with me to a Worship and Arts meeting.it is basically focused around scriptures,life as Christians, music,dance and arts.I actually play in the band and the kids love it.when the minister asked if there were anyone that needed prayer,my S8 raised his hand and walked forward.he asked the minister to help him talk to God because he didn't want his mom and Dad to get divorced.I was totally taken back and as hard as I tried to hold back the tears I couldn't. I haven't slept very well since but I just need to get stronger.
any suggestions or wisdom would be greatly appreciated