Long Journey .......... advice please

[Sanderika]

Hello Cas,

I just followed up on your sitch since you went to surgery.

First, I am very happy for you that it went really well. I am glad you are on the mend and mobile again....

Your H is pulling back for a variety of reasons, one is fear. Fear that things at home are not really changed and as they appear. I feel they fear it is a smoke screen we are using to seduce them into coming back. Once returned things will revert back to the life they didn't like before they walked out.

Your H also feels a need to save face, the others are right, the MLC mind and ego protects their pride at all cost for some reason, this I still do not understand. I want to understand this. I battle this almost daily like you. Mine is doing it right now.

I believe that the mix of fear and pride are so powerful within themselves that they are guarded and cautious and are reluctant to come back because it would show they made a mistake and are weak.

I do believe that these MLC relationships will die a natural death because they are based on lies and deceit. The grass is definitely not greener and they know it. They are dealing with OW who in reality are a very childish, demanding, controlling and insecure people. Our Hs cannot live with that forever. They come from marriages they won't let go of, IMO because it is us and the way we are they want. Women of strength, honor, values, morals, maturity, respect, forgiveness, love and kindness, etc... We need to protect these qualities in ourselves as these are the qualities that our Hs value in wives.

What they do not realize is they will be more likely to be respected by family and friends if they put an end to the affair and return to the families that love them. In my world there is not one person who likes the OW and believes H is happier with her. I know for a fact that they actually all think H is a jerk and more for doing what he is and especially for so long.

I think it was really good that H made the trips to the hospital to see you. I think you are right that H didn't expect you would be at the dinner. I am sure H is more comfortable around just you than he is around you and other people. It is this way here. Of course the kids are excluded from the other people category.

I just wish they would move one way or another and be done with it all. The emotional toll it has taken is vast. I for one will never be the same again with H or without him.

IMO, stay dark on him. Let him sulk away his troubles on his own in his own lonely corner. If he surfaces and wants to see or talk to you be engaging. This really is his problem and his alone. None of this is your fault. H will deal with it faster if left alone to sort it out.

(((((Cas))))) It's great to have you back and wishes to you that your recovery continues well and speedy.

Sanderika