Waiting More Than a Dozen Years

[TeaEarlGreyHot]

There is an observation I have made (about myself) about when my life goes the smoothest, but I wan't to reconsider it before I share that here. I just note it in this message so I don't forget it in the future.

When I said that I would have been better off not getting involved with anyone and just being a father, I really meant it this way: no short-term or long-term relationships where sex is involved in any way whatsoever. Now, my son has long since graduated high school and the university (11 and 6 years, respectively) and has gone on to complete his Master's and is working on his Doctorate. He's also had some time to work in the engineering field, as I have, and has come to realize just how much I "sacrificed" to be there and be involved as his parent in the joint custody arrangement my ex-wife and I set up at the outset. That being said (and he has discussed this with me) he is also very thankful for the way I managed that.

So, when does my life run the smoothest? The observation is a simple one; whenever I have nothing to offer, i.e., that there is nothing I have and nothing I do that is the least bit interesting to someone else. This is not to say that I act inappropriately, I don't. Rather, it is a way of being that acknowledges whatever might be found likeable is an illusion and that there is absolutely nothing for me to do with those feelings or actions of another.

Beyond being a sperm donor, there is absolutely nothing (unique) that I have to offer.

This POV that I have nothing unique to offere is not the source of the problem. The source of the problem is the expectation that there should be something that I have to offer and that there should be (fill in the blank) , e.g, sexual intimacy. So, as I cross this boundary or transition into what I consider my last stage of life, what I am dealing with is my own expectation that there should have been and in the future that there should be sexual intimacy in my life. When I think critically about that, there is no bais for what should have been.

My life runs smoothest when there are no such expectations (and therefore no disappointments) in how people choose to be. They are just being who they are and in my presence, who they are in the space that I allow them to do that "safely." Sometimes that brings forth the best of themselves, sometimes the worst. In choosing not to be involved, I would know that there would be no expectations of intimacy because I had chosen that path for myself. My completeness and happiness would not depend upon someone else.

The question that is coming into focus is do I do this alone, or do I stick with "'til death do us part." There is a large degree of certainty sticking with the marriage and waiting for life's clock to run out. For me, I realize the default position is to let the clock run out. Is that the choice I wish to actively rather than passively choose? Now that I have asked that question, it can no longer be a passive choice.