Over the Shock and GALing 6

[Thinker]

Thanks for stopping by Gucci,

I have a few corrections, just to more clearly explain the sitch.

You then blame her? She just told you that she views you more feminine. (turn off to a woman) and it goes right over your head and you then blame her, her friend and the OM?

Don't get me wrong here. I see exactly how she feels, don't deny it, and know exactly how much of a turn off it is. It's a real issue.

So, you ask her why. She then tells you and then you deny that she feels that way?

I never denied that she felt that way. What I doubt is the cause she expressed. I don't think that this has anything to do with "The changes I have made". I am more relaxed, dress a little better, am in a lot better shape, and spend more time with my friends rather than sacrificing it all for work and home maintenance, but nothing that I have changed could be called "effeminate"

She, however, has changed a lot recently, is more focused on her looks and on appearances, and has changed her circle of friends. The people she seems to emulate now are a lot different from those she has hung out with in the past.

Part of the reason she feels that way is that you ARE acting feminine.

I agree with you in that since the bomb (especially immediately after the bomb) I became the one who wanted to talk and she became the one avoiding discussions.

I also agree that for a long time I was not good at setting boundaries and she walked all over me - until I would get angry and resentful and that only exacerbated the problem. This is one area where I have gotten a lot better. I still struggle a bit, but it is normally now with the "How and when" part - ie do I have the discussion now over the phone or next week when I get home and can do it face to face. This is a huge difference from the way I used to avoid the discussions all together.

You need to take her feelings on this issue very seriously. When a woman starts viewing a man in that way, he is toast as far as a romantic relationship is concerned. You may need to get the book "Men Women and Relationships by John Gray. He touches on this very subject in this book and what happens when a man and woman have this dynamic going on. She loses all romantic and sexual interest in him. Essentially, she becomes the male and he becomes the female in the relationship. None of which is good. He calls it "role reversal." He wants to talk more and more about the relationship and how she has hurt him (more feminine qualitites) and she doesn't want to talk about it (more masucline qualities) He is more into " his feelings" and constantly wanting to talk about "the relationship and his feelings and such and she is more logical and wants to "sigh" and thinks to herself "not another relationship talk." etc. etc. role reversal.

Believe me, it's serious. I'll read the book, but I think I already understand where the sitch and the R are.

Where I am a bit lost is what to do to fix the sitch.

I do know that she is spending time with people who are not friends of the M and who talk disrespectfully toward me.

I do know that she is always testing to see if I am still watching. Part of the reason she (re)friended OM was (in her own words) "to see if I was still looking over her shoulder"

So I'll chew on it a bit more.

Something's got to change.