I know you will feel "right" again, but I also know it will take time. Let yourself feel what you feel..... remember, your feeling can't be wrong! After you feel them for a while, I think you can start to work on what to do with them. Right now, I think it is too soon to worry much about that.
I find it somewhat interesting that he still can't/won't admit the A.
He really did want to have it all. STBX wanted GF to end the affair w/him so he wouldn't have to?- pretty spineless. Then he was hoping he could continue to keep you in the dark and work on patching things up w/you?
How long did he seriously think he could keep all of this a secret?
I'm a bit floored.
You will be right in your own time, my friend. For now, be really, really pissed off and process that anger in any way you damn well please.
Are you still on holiday? Hon... just for now, stop dealing with all of this and recharge. It will all be there when you get back.
Just for now. Lay in the sun. Love your kids. Let the beauty of the place on earth you are, fill your soul with peace and calm. Nothing has changed. You just know more now. Breathe. Deal with this and all the relatives, friends, family, and fall out when you have given yourself a chance to process all of this confirmation of what you've known but hoped wasn't true.
Jeff, as always, knows what you need.... feel your feelings and begin to heal for a bit. Wrap yourself in the love of all the friends who are here for you and pamper yourself. I know you "knew"... I know you are strong... but I also know what you gave up and nothing could've prepared you for how much this hurts.
(((((((((((sunshine))))))))))
~DD (under yet another, this time un-gooogleable alias)
I cant DiDi. I cant enjoy my time here. My kids are having fun but I am under so much pressure all the time to hide and pretend and act as if... Waiting for my turn to finally relax and rest after 3 years of hell. THREE whole years of hell. THREE [censored] years waiting, wishing, hoping and trying... Trying to deal with what he was throwing at me, trying to change, improve, learn, adjust pretend, take care of my kids, my insides and out, my parents, finances, love, hate, disappointments, hope, disaster.
13 years wasted. yes I do have my kids, but my kids suffer. He keeps saying the kids are his world, above all, above everyone. How? That's why he hurt them so much?
I am going back to all the months of terror we spent under the same roof. Disrespecting me, yelling at me, coming home late, lying into my face, attacking me about everything and anything he could think of, making love to me... I WAS going crazy, tiptoeing to please him, feeling weak and lost, confused and sad because I couldnt make him happy, didnt know what was going on...
And then, when I finally knew something was up, I felt cheap or thinking that, because he would "never do such thing". All the guilt dumped on me for finding an easy explanation instead of accepting my shortcomings as patner and wife. I remember his phrase walking down the stairs the day he left "you wish there was another woman, it would make it easier for you but it is not, it is you being a mean person"... And the other woman WAS there for a year already.
Then Dbing. With results. Then disappointments, again and again. Deadlines were not kept, he was confusing me being caring and distant. A year after he left, I gave up. My life changed, I was happy, my heart felt ok. And I fell in love. And then, he came back,for good he said. Couldnt live without me he said. He loved me he said. And then, went off to have sex with her in a nice hotel...
For a month I struggled what to do. My friends here helped all they could. Being honest, supportive, caring. I decided I would try. With a price. And then MC, lying, MC, lying etc etc... Felt like I was inadequate again. Not pretty, not sexy, not kind enough. GUILT GULT GUILT... What was I doing wrong? Work, depression, regrets were his excuses.
People said I was a WAW. I hope now you can see I wasnt "helping" because he was absent. I could feel it and see it. For 10 months he kept coming over on weekends, sleeping in my bed (no sex) and seeing her... On 2-3 occasions I asked for the divorce and we stopped. He was seeing her. I cried, yelled, demanded. He was sleeping with her. Going back now i see the pattern. They had a fight, he would come closer to me. We had a fight, he would run to her. My kids started hoping. My parents as well. I got pressure to let him back in the house. I couldnt.
On August 5th the story came out. Finally, he cant deny anything. We had no chance. Picking up the pieces now. Wishing I could forget every good memory we had together. He doesnt deserve me, he doesnt deserve our amazing kids. But they have him as a father. I dont know how to deal with what I feel now. I dont. I know I will talk to him when I get back, probably hit him, yell and scream, say hurtful things. I know I will not feel better. But I will do it anyway... K
Hey K, I'm not surprised you cant relax and enjoy yourself, your mind must be swirling. Thats a brilliant summary by the way and from someone who has been here since Jan 08 and followed along, and your friend, I would say, absolutely accurate too. You have a measure of what happened now, so after anger, perhaps there will be relief?
Isnt it ironic though? You described your hopes and efforts, DBing, all that time and yet only NOW you finally get what you wanted all along, can you see that, its wierd huh? He gets it now. The A is over. NOW he realises your worth and would probably want to finally win you back, if you had let him. You said...
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Regrets, remorse, guilt, he destroyed the most important R in his life, he was caught in a web of lies, he couldnt stop, I got him to the point that he almost admitted his A but couldnt take the consequences. His kids are above all, he could never separate me and the kids. He was hoping she would end before I would give up and THEN he would work on us. At that point my friend told him he is s selfish bastard, keeping me in lies and eating his cake...
I'm sure I said until recently, on the phone, its like he's back but he's still not 'back', he's still in the MLC (now we know, a full blown A). I dont feel angry at him, nor do I think he's a s*lfish b*stard, anymore than I was when I had my EA/PA. I wasnt cake eating, I was in hell, believe me. It was horrible. HORRIBLE. Yes, it was exciting, addictive and you use all kinds of means to justify it to yourself and you lie, lie, lie.. but you literally cant help it. The guilt destroys you. You know you are doing wrong and are in the wrong, will get found out and you will pay and the dread is awful too. And you feel weak and powerless to stop it. You just hope somehting will change. Its hard to explain but I think there is something intrinsic about human nature that makes us fall into these traps... or else, how come it is SO common??? Men (and some woman) get into these situations, cant see a way out, carry on the A, carry on lying.. its such a cliche. So.. he is just human, he is flawed, I actually do believe him though, that she is nothing and that he loves you and realises he lost the best thing in his life. I soon realised my OM was nothing to me. Nothing.
That isnt to say though that he has behaved appalingly, very very badly and caused you and the kids untold unneccessary suffering, so yes, you are bound to be angry and yuo need to get angry (isnt it the first stage of grieving??). But I bet the A and decision to have one for 3 years isnt anything to do with you. Its all about him, as it was for me when I had mine. It wasnt for any shortcomings in my R, or with my bf. Its wierd, but its like you get in its grip, it overtakes you, its literally like being possessed, thats how I felt anyway and like I was going mad. It wasnt a happy time for me, looking back, I was miserable. Strange we perpuate these A's, seeing as they cause so much misery and heartache, but like I said, its very very common, so I think just a part of the human experience that sadly some of us end up falling into.
I dont suppose that helps at all to dissipate your anger, but hey dont beat yourself up for trying so hard and blaming yourself for it not working out (sounds like you are feeling a fool).. you did the best you could at the time with the information you had then. Hindsight is a wonderful thing hey!
Did yuo read Priya yesterday? She talks about processing all the info that come out on the eclipse (5th) and now its a time ripe for healing. She's a wise woman !!
Love you, Al xxx
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
There are other, alternative, ways that you may feel the effects of this eclipse of August 5.
The twelfth house also rules secrets, so if anyone has tried to conceal something from you, their actions on this eclipse may make you suspicious and lead you to uncover what you need to know. Sometimes news comes out suddenly and forcefully, like a geyser springing from deep within the ground. At other times an eclipse reveals the behavior of the person who is working at cross-purposes and truth emerges slowly, in the weeks and months to come. Again, your intuition will lead you to follow the breadcrumbs, straight to the truth.
Not being able to enjoy yourself is no surprise, Sunshine.
You haven't had any opportunity to process what you now know. Even though you've suspected it all along, when you finally know the truth w/out doubt, it is like it is all brand new again...and it hurts like Hell!
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We had no chance.
In hindsight, you are completely correct. His continual lying and deceit has created something that can't be repaired. However, your M didn't fail b/c of you. You should be able to look in the mirror and hold your head high b/c you gave your M an honest chance.
You probably won't be able to do this now, but soon you will be able to understand that not only does M take a lot of committment and a lot of work from both sides, but it is also something that can't function if only one part of the equation is willing to value it above all else.
I too think you may not find much comfort in what Ali posted right at this moment, but I've read it a couple of times and I would hope you'll revisit it in the near future as it provides some very good insight as to where your H was and why he was doing what he did. It by no means gives him an excuse for what he did or a "hall pass" of any kind, but knowing the reasons behind the actions may help you to process this as you move forward for you.
Again, my friend, Maria, I'm so sorry. In my own sitch I have some similarities especially when it comes to being led to believe that I was the problem by my X. She actually convinced me that the reason we had issues was b/c I had issues. Discovering the truth behind the lies does hurt, but it also is a blessing in disguise...but only time will reveal this to you.
I too am very sorry. You were among the first people that posted to me in 2008. I hadn't followed closely, because I normally stick to newcomers. I heard a whisper of something being up and headed here. I actually stayed up until 2:30 in the morning to catch up on reading every last page.
You have no need to act or behave any particular way. Use this time to be gentle with yourself. I so wish this hadn't happened this way. Take care of you and the kidlets.
You aren't losing your mind. You are understandably hurt and shocked. You will hold your head up and know in your heart you did everything you could. There was no way to right the wrong he created.
Me 45, H 46, S 23, M 26, Together 30, Bomb 6-2-08, S 6-19-08; H left 12-29-08. H home 12-09, Still MLC in 2012! Me- I have my big girl panties on. Bring it.
