H with 1foot out the door...LONG

[ginab1966]

Well, we are off to the races again. I just need some support. Today started off well with H and we got up and did our morning routine with D and they left this morning happy with kisses. Then I text him to tell him that I’ll be working a bit late so that I’ll be leaving straight from work to my Co-dependence Anon. meeting and I’ll be home right after. This is a new development. I was going home, then going to the meeting. I did ask if this worked for him as he would have H and wanted to be fair. He texted back a hostile “Whatever, fine, go” and I responded by saying “By the sounds of it, you don’t seem fine with the situation. We can discuss if there is a scheduling issue. It’s no big deal for me to go for coffee first. I can just go to the meeting”. He says “No, fine, just go I could care less”. Of course, I can’t leave well enough alone so I say “I’m going to the meeting but won’t go for coffee, I realize this is a last minute decision on my part and I don’t like when you spring things on me in the last minute so I want to be fair”. He then says, “When are you coming home cuz I want to go out when you get there”. My answer is “Ok. I’ll be home at 9:15”. I then ask if this is retaliation or something. We both have a very bad “passive aggressive” thing that we do and we don’t really say whats on our mind, we just play mind games. So, since this is something the therapist said we need to talk about and work on, I said “Are you doing this because I’m making you mad” and he said “G, look, I want out, I want a divorce, I could care less what you are doing. There is no motive here. I just want to go out”. Also, I was going to go out tomorrow night but it’s our date night and that wouldn’t be nice. Although, I’ll probably go out once we get back home”. I just realized right there that I’m not going to be able to argue or even rationalize this situation. I’m going to CODA tonight to work on myself and do my best not to care about him going out tonight and if he’s going to see Heather and realize that I just simply cannot change him or reason with him. I can only change myself and tonight I’m going to seek fellowship with people who are healing and trying to make their relationships healthy. He is not…and I just have to be ok with that. BUT IT’S JUST SO HARD.

When I get home tonight I pray I don’t say anything stupid. Last night he’s talking about next years family vacation and now he’s telling me all he wants is a divorce. My good Lord in heaven how will I ride this rollercoaster and have anything left. I just have to stay the course I guess and try not to screw up the DB’ing process. I’m sure I did lots of damage already today. Please tell me how to handle this situation mitigate the damage and not screw up further.

Thanks...Gina B