In Limbo

[d1adsl5a]

Cat,

I do understand now how she thought I was controlling. I made the mistake of telling her what I have learned. Didn't get much validation as expected. Mach said to watch the finances. I am. But I did ask her for the 10th time in the marriage to start paying the bills. She finally agreed a few weeks ago. Hopefully, this will help her see I wasn't all that controlling financially. Want to see what she will do this month--Have a $5k visa bill, $1,100 mortgage, $1,000 catholic grammar school bill, $600 sam's club, utilities, etc....This way hopefully she will see the spending exceeded our monthly intake. She did get a job so hopefully this will help her feel more fulfilled. She has mentioned on several occasions, I just want to have the floor tiled without asking your permission or talking to you about it....

As I said to Mach and Beginner, I am doing the work on myself and liking what I am seeing. I just hope she can begin to see that I am not the one standing in the way of her happiness, standing in the way of her finding her sense of mission and finding herself. My son's just need a mommy that loves them. My son said today, now that you are going to be working by daddy, you two can go to lunch together and get closer again...Kids see and hear everything. I think I detach a bit more everyday. Does that mean I shouldn't do nice things for her--When she falls asleep on the couch, I put a blanket on her. Maybe bring home flowers and put them in a vase once in a while, I have started cooking a couple times a week. I have always done my fair share of the cleaning(she would admit that to be true..I swear)

One thing I don't think I mentioned yet is my insomina. Had it for a solid year--on and off. I did stop wanting to go out as much, if we did go out I wanted to come home by midnight. I did become a little OCD about the things I needed to do before I went to sleep. The problem is that after the first couple months, she really stopped supporting me through it. The more I fought the insomnia to try and get better for her--so she could see the old me again, the worse it got. The night she told me she wanted out was after I had two rough nights of no sleeping. We were supposed to go out with some couples that night. The funny thing is that I haven't had it since this started. I sleep on the couch mostly. I don't have the pressure of me thinking I am less of a guy because of my sleep issues--I told her the only thing I ever needed to hear her say was I am here for you no matter what....I mostly got tough love. In one of our blow ups a couple weeks back, I did say what if I had cancer--would you have been there for me?

Anyway, I am staring to make this about me and I know it isn't. I will continue down this hard road and be prepared for anything and react to nothing...Forgot to tell Mach I am not on facebook, because alot of this started when she got on facebook and found her old crew...But I actually have thought about it more often..

Thanks for your support.