I was supposed to get divorced tomorrow - part 2

[1853dave]

Picked up and took D4 out to play for a while last night...including dinner with her - was fun as always. Took her home around 7:45, and W was there waiting for us to return. Had more nice interaction...

Things still going well as of last night. More of the same - friendliness, smiles, conversation, interest in each other...and yes, the foot / leg rub I gave last night again was appreciated sincerely...

I left with an unsolicited hug, as well. Quite a twist from the last few (many) months... I'm so glad to see some softening and warmth from her. Things just "feel" better between us, too. I suspect she is feeling better about things as well.

[C-Bart]

Hi Dave, how is it going?

Question for you. Do you get allot of push back from people close to you, urging you to move on with your life? I've heard that from so many people that I'm starting to get a bit discouraged. Even my therapist says I should move on. How do you maintain your focus?

[1853dave]

C-Bart,

First of all, you might need another therapist... I stongly urge you to speak to a DB Counselor - they practice solution oriented brief therapy, rather than the traditional "do what makes you feel good" therapy. Not to knock the traditional therapists, but if you read Michelle's books, she says that she was doing marriage counseling for a long time before she realized that the divorce stats were still 50% even for those people in therapy! So, she started practicing the solution based therapy and started seeing the D numbers drop. That's why we are all here right now.

As for your question, I have noticed a very polarized distribution of opinions. I am told by many folks to just move on, "you deserve better" or "I don't want to see you get hurt..." or "You're too good a guy for her..." - and virtually ALL of those statements come from divorced (and mostly never remarried) people. These people have nothing good to say about their ex's, everything was their fault, they are still bitter, etc, etc... However, the ones who are supportive are mostly happily married people who seem to know the benefits of a marriage. They understand the ups and downs, and many have survived their own rough patch themselves...and most of them have been married for a long time (20+ years).

At least in my situation, with the people I share with, I have noticed a very distinct pattern of this. So, do what I do, and share with only those who support you. You don't need the nay-sayers in your life right now. Even my own mother is wary of what's happened in my life, and has told me not to get my hopes up, "I don't want to see you get hurt..." - stuff you might expect your Mom to tell you. So, while we get along great, I do not share with her anymore. Every now and then she asks, and I tell her that actually, things are getting a little better all the time. She is always surprised.

So, to keep my focus, I stick with people who are supportive (this is good in all aspects of life anyway); find something to do for yourself, so you can spend a little time each day for a little "me" time. Find something you can improve in yourself - I started swimming at the rec center because although I can swim, I am not a real strong swimmer. I started training for another marathon (and I found out last week my W is doing it too - something she was 'hiding' from me until she recently opened up to me).

I also try to have a great time with my kids. I find I can do things with them now that I maybe didn't when the W was more involved. With the W not there to say "No, I don't feel like going today..." I have taken the kids to cook over an open fire, play at the lake, go to a friend's house to ride ATV's and jump on the trampoline; I've taken them horseback riding, hiking, lots of time at the playground or pool...we have fun!

As for me, things are still going ok. I just spoke to W this morning (my Monday AM call...she had to call me back as she was bathing D4) - she sounded nice and friendly, and we spoke a bit about the upcoming week. I told her the real reason I called was just to say Hi, and she sounded appreciative... I also told her I like the hugs we've been giving lately, and also the occasional kiss, and I told her I didn't mean to kiss her so much (I've been giving her a kiss the last few times we've been hugging - and I sense that while it's not a big violation, she's maybe not ready for that) - she said "maybe not so much" (regarding the kisses) but the hugs were OK! YAY!!! Not long ago, touching was NOT ok, and hugs were quite rare, and kisses were unthought of. Now, hugs are perfectly acceptable, kisses OK if not overdone, and she still likes the leg rubs.

I feel as though we are reconnecting. I'm still not living at home yet, but I wonder what will happen when everyone's school schedules and financial tightening begin to converge...which is soon. In a month or less, there will be time/schedule issues, and money issues (as if there weren't already) - I gave her the option that we still have a 3 bedroom condo, and there would be benefits to me living there again, which she acknowledged - but she still needed a little time. I told her I'd like to give her all the time she needs, but in reality, there's still that date set by the courts for the 2nd week of October...D day.

My goal is to make that date go away. As my DB counselor said, if I was living in house with her, there's the benefit also of "proximity" - where I can be home for her to see that I'm the guy she wants to stay married to.

Again, I'm trying to identify what works in my sitch, and what doesn't... Do more of what works, and less of what doesn't. Also, not pushing (like too much kissing) and letting her have the space she feels comfortable with.

[1853dave]

I think I'm having an off day or two... I just don't "feel" as though things are improving still. Maybe I'm expecting too much at this point. Nothing bad has happened, but the last two interactions with W have been only ok... I didn't offer her a hug yesterday, and she seemed perfectly fine with it. Maybe it's just me, maybe it's my attitude today. I really hate when I'm at the home and it's time for me to go, and W tells the girls, "OK, say goodbye to Daddy..." as though I was leaving to go off to work for a while... I hate to see how the kids have actually become accustomed to this. I think that's what really bothers me. When I leave, I hear the deadbolt lock behind me. That sound is like a knife in my back and in my heart. I remind everyone here that this is also MY condo, I'm the only one with income in the family, the court set up temp financial orders that make me give my wife 85% of my paycheck, I'm basically working everyday and financing W's summer vacation with the kids, and when I want the kids I have to "borrow" them from the W. It sure feels like it anyway.

I'm taking tomorrow off and will be taking the kids up to the mountains for some horseback riding. I wanted to do this Friday, as it's easier for me to take a Friday off, but I mistakenly told W that I wanted to take "a day off this week, towards the end of the week" and she told me she'd have to check and see what was going on with the girls this week. So, as it's been for a long time now, she checks with her other friends to see what they are planning with the kids, and I ALWAYS get what's leftover. It's really starting to grind on me. So, instead of Friday, it turns out Thursday was the only day they were free, after everyone else's schedules were determined.

What hurts most of all is that she always confers and collaberates schedules with her friend "C", who seems to be more of W's husband than I am. "C" is a married woman who has a daughter D9's age. So, as long as what I want to do doesn't interfere with everyone else's plans (especially if it involve's "C's" daughter), then I can do something with the girls. I can't help but think that things would go much better if "C" would just take her family and move away. Far away.

"C" by the way is the woman who helped W hide credit cards from me for a year, all the while smiling at me while she knew her dirty deed. I feel sorry for her H, because although they are still married, I can't help but think how he can't be satisfied in his marriage. She's THE BOSS in that family, and he works two (sometimes 3) good paying jobs to pay for their fancy home, etc... He's almost never home to have dinner with the family (their D tells me this) and whenever we all meet in public his playtime is limited because he always has to go in to work at night. Of course, his W is a stay at home mom who wouldn't have it any other way. Not the best influence for my W, I think...

I could use some words of encouragement. This has been a roller-coaster, and I'm hitting a bottom again. I know it's probably just temporary, but I'm basically homeless again, I get to keep maybe $350 a month after I pay the W (I get to give her over $3200/mo) and a couple of other bills the court ordered me to pay (they courts themselves are criminal I believe). I am staying with my parents right now which is ok, but not where I want to be, and because of this I now commute over an hour a day - which is even less time I can spend with my kids, or doing things for myself.

In the mean time, W is having a ball while on summer vacation with the kids.

I often ask myself "What in the world did I do to deserve all of this?"

I don't know how much longer I can keep doing this.

[iwantittowork]

I get to keep maybe $350 a month after I pay the W (I get to give her over $3200/mo)

I have not been following your complete thread, but how in the Sam Heck did that seem a fair order for court system to impose on you? Did you agree to this, or have a L involved? How about taking your current monthly bills and asking for a change in these orders? I understand from my L, you have to be able to pay your own bills and survive as well. They can't force you to homelessness so you W can stay at home!

I don't want to sidetrack you, as I sense you need some support. I can only offer my thoughts and prayers, hopefully you will have some more time with your kids, they are yours too, you should never feel like your supposed to 'borrow' them..

[1853dave]

No, I did not agree to this. The judge has a history of doing this - grossly favoring the wife. In some ways I got off lucky. One guy I know went thru the same thing with the same judge, and was ordered to pay $5400 to his wife, despite only making $3400 a month. He had to get a 2nd full time job. He said the judge said that "it is not my problem". Btw, his wife did not work, and was not ordered to. Nice, huh?

This has added greatly to my stress this year. How do I do things with the kids on that, and feed them, buy gas, etc.

It is very hard to not get angry and frustrated with these conditions imposed upon me.

[iwantittowork]

and was ordered to pay $5400 to his wife, despite only making $3400 a month. He had to get a 2nd full time job. He said the judge said that "it is not my problem". Btw, his wife did not work, and was not ordered to. Nice, huh?

of course, I don't know the details of the case, but how the h*ll is that even possible?

Maybe that's why I am no lawyer, but something like that sounds so egregious that you should be able to take that to a different judge or appeals court for being overly ridiculous a ruling..

[1853dave]

I dunno, it was s'posed to be temporary, for 90 days, but in mediation W said she agreed to attempt reconciliation, but also said she needed to keep the finances as they were so I agreed at the time - hoping that by now things would have changed. That was back at the end of January.

Our D day has been moved out to 2nd week of October...so I'm standing by waiting to see what W wants to do. What it did was to buy me time to do some hard core DB'ing... Been seeing some good results (slowly) - especially when I look back to the earlier days in March and April. Man is it a SLOW process. I'm still not out of the woods yet - she says she needs more time to think about things... Why does it take so darn long for them to do that???

We're coming down to a time/money crunch in a few weeks, so I expect movement of some type to happen soon...

[C-Bart]

Sorry to hear about your set back, Dave. I wish there was something I could say that would help your sitch. From you previous posts it is apparent your W sees the changes in you. Who knows what else is going on in her mind. One of the things that I remember from MC was my W was very much afraid that she would loose herself again if we reconciled. Wonder if your W has some of the same thoughts.

BTW I took your advice and started working with a DB coach. Still have my IC but have cut way back as I'm doing much better. I needed the IC to get me through a tough patch in my life regardless of my M R. The IC has changed her posistion sense we lasted talked and know thinks anything is posible - just make sure not to loose yourself. (good advice)

The DB coach is great and has helped keep me going in the right direction. I graduated to becoming friends which is really fun. I get to laugh with my wife again - maybe for the first time in years.

Rather tired today (6 hours on the road) so forgive me if I'm less than coherient.

Good luck over the next couple days. Still pulling and praying for you! You are an insperation regardless of how this turns out.

[1853dave]

Thanks for the words, C-bart. I took the kids to the mountains yesterday - went horseback riding, etc - had a BLAST!

We had a great day, perfect weather, etc. I wish the W would have come (I didn't ask, but she has a blanket invitation) but we had a great time without her.

As we were leaving, W and I hugged, and as I did I told her "I'd really like to start working on things...." and she said "Yes, I know." I told her that it seems we're running out of time, and she said "I know... I'm still thinking through a couple of things." She then said, "I know... I know what you're saying..." OK, so I guessed by then I was done, so we left. We left on a pleasant note, no strange undertones or anything.

Before all of this, as I was on my way to pick up the kids in the morning, I called W and told her I was running a little late - and that I was going to stop by work (where I stash some food in the fridge) and make sandwiches for the kids for a lunch, etc. She said that was fine - so I then offered that in the interest of time - and no pressure - would she consider making a couple of sandwiches for them instead. She readily agreed, and I asked about a sandwich for me, too, and she said "Sure." I thought that was very kind, so while we were away we picked up a couple of chocolate truffles from a specialty shop for her, which were well received later.

I'm feeling better about things again. She was very friendly to me yesterday, and again today when I called her this morning just to say "hi", which I have been doing a couple of times a week for several weeks now.

I'm still worried about the "I'm still thinking through a couple of things" bit.... I know, worrying about it will not help any, but I just mention it as something she said to me. I wish I could have some more concrete feedback - this intangible stuff can really make your mind wander...

On the other hand, there's been no more talk about the D, or splitting things up, or splitting finances, etc. I guess my position, at this point, is still better than any obvious and outward actions of her moving forward with the D 'full speed ahead!' That alone gives me some hope.

Sometimes, it seems it's all about how you look at it.