Hi all... so I yesterday morning - sometime just after I posted - I decided to stop feeding that gorilla. In the short term, that means doing as much as I can with S12 before he leaves (at least as much as I can with a torn ACL)....so...what's doable? Well, last night we went out to his favorite sushi place in town - and today we're going to his favorite bakery. I might take him to see District 9 tonight - and tomorrow we're going to have a going away party for him at a friend's house.
Sunday I plan on taking him to the beach - just the two of us - and then on Monday we might be back at the beach again with his little brother.
It's funny how often I find myself reminding others to feel what they have to feel in order to reach a point of clarity - and it seems like it's working for me again as well. After just allowing myself to feel a lot of the preliminary sadness I got it out of the way for now - and can just enjoy the time with my boys.
I also realized something interesting about my work - and this is something that won't surprise you at all, Coach. In the past, I never feared not having enough work, I just knew it would come, and it did. I didn't worry much about it - and just kept believing that I as I continued to work, it would generate more work. This past year, as things fell apart, I had the impression that I wasn't getting work because I had taken it for granted in the past - and, in my effort not to take it for granted any longer, I started to dwell on my work more than I had before...so yesterday/last night...I just allowed myself a perspective shift - and allowed myself to believe that things will turn again - and that the work will come.
I know it sounds a bit like new-age fantasy - but there's something to that idea that we get back what we put out there. The world, the richness of life, stays away from fear - and I think it's partly because when we have any sort of fear, despite our best efforts, we interfere with our own progress and our own abilities to recognize opportunities and our strengths. So...as I never had fear in the past, and things worked out, I'm going to shift my perspective now, and allow things to flow more as they must/will...which is to say that I giggled a bit this morning when I got a phone call at 8:20am for a rush job that has to be done over this weekend...it's not a lot of work, not much pay, but it's a gig that could grow into something much bigger...and so I'm working on it now...until S12 and I head off to his favorite bakery for lunch.
I still have some pain in my chest - but I know it's just from a very real sadness that my son will be leaving soon. I put a bunch of new pics of my boys up on FB last night - and every single photo reminded me of how blessed I am to have two such wonderful children.
Thanks, my friends, for helping me get back on track.
Alex - I saw your note in alt world...will write back soon.
-Carlos.
Funny...I just realized that I didn't think to write anything about how confrontational B has been lately...I guess it's not that interesting to me anymore...
