Did she even respond to your original request or did she just ignore it with her "counter-proposal"?
If she didn't specifically reject your request (whatever her reasons might have been) would it be appropriate to respond merely by saying something along the lines...
B,
S12 and I want to be together during these last few nights before he heads off to school. S2 is very dear to S12 and we hoped you would be willing to let S2 stay with us Friday night so the two boys could spend some more time together with me. Granted, your suggestion could achieve the end of them being together, but if they are to be able to spend Friday night together, S12 wants it to be with me. Please consider this request in light of S12's desires. Because this is important to him and to me, I would be happy to have S2 spend an extra night or two with you if you would be so willing.
C
Again, I'm not completely versed in the nuances of your discussions with her, but I inferred from your description that she may have ignored your request and just tried to replace it with her own. I would have trouble addressing her question unless she's first answered yours...
-AlexEN
New: What a Weekend
H-48 WAW-49 M-22 S-14,9 D-11 EA disc.-11/07 PA disc.-3/08 EA2?-6/08 to ?
Isn't it weird that during one of the most traumatic times in our lives so many other crappy things happen? Sometimes I used to think that God had to keep whacking me with bigger and bigger things to get me to pay attention and focus on what was truly important.
Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional or so my brother told me. We all make choices in how we view the world; from the standpoint of a victim, of being content in ourselves, fear, belief.. whatever myriad of perceptions pop to the surface.
With your son you made a very difficult decision made out of love and with his best interests at heart. The good thing about having momentum is its flexibility. If it doesn't work, the plan can be altered. The beauty your son shared is heart warming. Since he is so perceptive, have you asked him what his thoughts are about the plans?
Letting go is tough, as I learned when our first went to college. At the same time I understood what drove a mother bird to shove the no longer fledglings out of the nest. When it's time to leave, to stretch out those wings, let them fly. If they don't respect the nest, shoo (well with dorm life as the alternative.).
But letting go of a tween is letting go of the last visages of childhood. I found that focusing on blessings rather than losses helped bridge the transition. If it's the right thing, it will work. If it isn't, you will all know. And love will be your guide.
You have a deep thoughtful soul. Try to let the tide pull away regret and allow all the beauty and compassion to flow.
About your younger son.. it's at your wife's discretion if she allows communication with your little boy. You have no control over that as hurtful as it is. Whatever you say to your wife, about having the two boys together with you before you oldest leaves, keep it simple, factual and short.
Me 45, H 46, S 23, M 26, Together 30, Bomb 6-2-08, S 6-19-08; H left 12-29-08. H home 12-09, Still MLC in 2012! Me- I have my big girl panties on. Bring it.
Veronica, You're so right that everyone will have pain and suffering in life - it's just inevitable - and I do hope that the lessons my S12 has gathered over this past year stay with him. He's such an incredible, loving, generous boy - I admire him in many ways - and part of the pain of having him leave relates to the sadness of not being there to see him continue to thrive in a new place and with a new phase in his life. He's grown up a lot this summer - and has started to become more independent - which I value immensely.
Alex, Thanks so much for your suggestion. No, she never quite responded to my request - rather she just said she thought S12 would have a great time with her and her mom at her place on Friday night...so I wrote her a note that went very much along the lines of your suggestion. She almost always ignores my requests and replaces them with her own - either that, or she just completely ignores them - which has been the case with every request I have made to agree to a mediator and get our D done.
Gypsy, Thank you for coming by - I appreciate your kind words and your reminder to allow beauty and compassion to flow. As sad as I am to have my S12 leave next Tuesday, I know it will be for the best - and I also know that I must take that time to improve my self and my life while we are apart. The hardest part of having S12 leave is knowing how much S2 adores him - S2 is always so excited and happy to see his older brother - it's just such a joy to hear them laugh together...
Wifey, Thank you for the hugs...
I hope one day that I'll be able to wake up without this crushing sadness in my chest. It's so hard to concentrate on everything I have to do. Part of the anxiety and pressure I feel still has to do with my work - or lack thereof. I wrote for a pretty popular kid's TV show last year - but I had to write the last two episodes in the midst of all the drama I was going through at home. The first two episodes I wrote went over well, and were well received - but the last one was probably some of the toughest writing I have ever had to do in my life. I literally would go from writing to crying to writing to crying almost from one minute to the next - and it just felt almost impossible to write an upbeat, playful script for children.
Well...turns out that the head writer for the show thought my last script was too frustrating a process for her - (she didn't know what was going on with my life - since I kept it largely private) - and so this year, though the execs wanted to bring me back - she did not...and so a big chunk of work that I thought I would have right now is just not there...and that's been horrible - in particular because it is just so very hard to get onto a new show right now - since, unlike in the past, this time the poor economy is affecting the entertainment industry as well...So that's the practical part of the heartache - the stress of not having the work I used to have - compounded with the very real sadness of having my S12 leave so soon...
I know things will turn around eventually...they have to...I just have to admit that it's hard to concentrate on everything that has to be done, even when I take things one at a time...but I'll figure it out somehow - I have to...
Can somebody please offer this gorilla a banana or something to get him off my chest?
Tough days lately...and just doing all that I can to stay focused and enjoy the present with my sons as much as possible. I took S12 to play some pool last night in Old Town Pasadena - and we had a blast. Almost no one was in the pool hall, so we just played and played for a couple hours - it was just his second time playing - and he was so happy...he even made two shots in a row last night - which was so fun to see.
It's odd, this pain in my chest, it's so heavy, so physical, and yet I know that it comes from my mind, my heart and my soul - it's like all these abstract parts of myself can come together in sorrow - perhaps to give me focus on how to heal? I don't know.
Here's what I do know, though. It's normal and understandable to have my heart ache at the thought of having my S12 leave next Tuesday, and how it will affect him, my S2 and myself. It's normal to mourn the death of my marriage. It's normal to feel anxious about my work, my torn ACL (being immobile for at least a month after Sept 24), my dwindling finances.
And yet, as I feel the sadness and the pain, I remind myself, over and over, that nothing is permanent - that I've been through deep sorrow in the past, and that I've always found a way to smile again - to feel alive again - and to share my life and love with friends and family again. Right now, I'm feel myself pulled by the impulse to go inward - to be an introvert - to disappear - and in the past, that's been okay with me. I used to love my time alone - I would use it to write, to read, to think...and it was fine...I need to find that part of me again - the part of me that was comfortable when on my own - comfortable enough to heal from an abundance of sorrow - and comfortable enough to accept the many emotions that will no doubt flood my heart, my mind and my soul come next Tuesday.
I already wonder how it will be when I bring S2 home from school on Tuesday, and S12 isn't here. I know I'll have to explain it to S2 somehow - make it okay...make him comfortable with not having his brother here. It's sad to me, that S2 already has a concept of "mommy's house" and "daddy's house" - but I think it will help him understand that S12 is at his mommy's house. Hopefully we'll be able to get online and web chat with S12 that day - I think it would be nice for both of them...and for me to some degree as well.
B was odd yesterday when dropping off S2 (she kept him home with her and her mom) - when they dropped him off, her mom got out of the car to bring S2 to me - which was very awkward and uncomfortable - she tried to make small talk with me, asked me about my leg, but I just didn't have anything to say to her - I was polite - just not forthcoming or open - or even very warm. When I saw her, my first thought was: you are the mother that allowed a man to harm your daughter and did not protect her. That thought made me not want to have anything to do with her. I suppose my attitude came across to some extent since, when they picked up S2 from me later in the evening, B came to the door - and her mom didn't even get out of the car...They're such a twisted family...they just keep giving B anything she demands - and refuse to let her deal with the consequences of her actions/inactions. I couldn't imagine living that way - in a world without consequences...but I think they've all had to adopt that way of being because it's the only way they could deal with the harmful, angry, destructive man that is her father.
Okay...enough of that...I'm just dwelling on little aspects of my reality...I've got to let go and focus more on the present now...
Stop feeding the gorilla and he will leave. Nothing wrong with your feelings they are normal. You are feeding the gorilla by creating doubt and anxiety about how you will handle all of it. Break the issues down into actionable items then prioritise and get busy. BE + DO = HAVE Notice how you were having fun when you were in the "now" playing pool with your son. You were "being" a Dad, "playing" with your son and "having" fun. Decide what you want (HAVE) then work the other side of the equation. When I think about "what ifs" instead of just doing what I need to do is when my snakes show up. Take care of your self and King Kong will disappear.
Cheers
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
I've got to agree w/coach here. You said "I hope one day that I'll be able to wake up without this crushing sadness in my chest" and it will. However, you will have to be ready to "stop feeding the gorilla" in order for this to happen.
Don't worry if you aren't to that point yet. You'll get there in your own time and when you are ready, you will know. This is just another song that is playing, but the dance is pretty much the same as before.
Process, let emotions occur, then let yourself embrace it and everything and move forward.
Your strength will carry you through. Your wisdom will lead you to make the correct choices again and again. Your incredible passion, compassion and caring will work in your favor rather than against it, my brother.
Hi all... so I yesterday morning - sometime just after I posted - I decided to stop feeding that gorilla. In the short term, that means doing as much as I can with S12 before he leaves (at least as much as I can with a torn ACL)....so...what's doable? Well, last night we went out to his favorite sushi place in town - and today we're going to his favorite bakery. I might take him to see District 9 tonight - and tomorrow we're going to have a going away party for him at a friend's house.
Sunday I plan on taking him to the beach - just the two of us - and then on Monday we might be back at the beach again with his little brother.
It's funny how often I find myself reminding others to feel what they have to feel in order to reach a point of clarity - and it seems like it's working for me again as well. After just allowing myself to feel a lot of the preliminary sadness I got it out of the way for now - and can just enjoy the time with my boys.
I also realized something interesting about my work - and this is something that won't surprise you at all, Coach. In the past, I never feared not having enough work, I just knew it would come, and it did. I didn't worry much about it - and just kept believing that I as I continued to work, it would generate more work. This past year, as things fell apart, I had the impression that I wasn't getting work because I had taken it for granted in the past - and, in my effort not to take it for granted any longer, I started to dwell on my work more than I had before...so yesterday/last night...I just allowed myself a perspective shift - and allowed myself to believe that things will turn again - and that the work will come.
I know it sounds a bit like new-age fantasy - but there's something to that idea that we get back what we put out there. The world, the richness of life, stays away from fear - and I think it's partly because when we have any sort of fear, despite our best efforts, we interfere with our own progress and our own abilities to recognize opportunities and our strengths. So...as I never had fear in the past, and things worked out, I'm going to shift my perspective now, and allow things to flow more as they must/will...which is to say that I giggled a bit this morning when I got a phone call at 8:20am for a rush job that has to be done over this weekend...it's not a lot of work, not much pay, but it's a gig that could grow into something much bigger...and so I'm working on it now...until S12 and I head off to his favorite bakery for lunch.
I still have some pain in my chest - but I know it's just from a very real sadness that my son will be leaving soon. I put a bunch of new pics of my boys up on FB last night - and every single photo reminded me of how blessed I am to have two such wonderful children.
Thanks, my friends, for helping me get back on track.
Alex - I saw your note in alt world...will write back soon.
-Carlos.
Funny...I just realized that I didn't think to write anything about how confrontational B has been lately...I guess it's not that interesting to me anymore...
