I've got to agree w/coach here. You said "I hope one day that I'll be able to wake up without this crushing sadness in my chest" and it will. However, you will have to be ready to "stop feeding the gorilla" in order for this to happen.
Don't worry if you aren't to that point yet. You'll get there in your own time and when you are ready, you will know. This is just another song that is playing, but the dance is pretty much the same as before.
Process, let emotions occur, then let yourself embrace it and everything and move forward.
Your strength will carry you through. Your wisdom will lead you to make the correct choices again and again. Your incredible passion, compassion and caring will work in your favor rather than against it, my brother.
