I recognize the problem and I need to get my head going in the right direction...
No doubt, before you leave your W because you want a lover, you should tell her that first. BUT, before you attack her for not being her lover, you should at least give her a chance to be your lover by treating her like one.
And if I claim to be a wise man, well It surely means that I don't know
It sounded to me like you were going to first follow the other advice (tell W you were moving toward sex with other women) ...
WTF? Where on earth do you get that?!?
What Yoyo or I were saying is that if Doc is having these feelings, rather than act on them, instead speak to his W in an open, one-on-one dialog. You know, open a line of communication? To communicate like a H and W should? She can't be completely stupid to think her H is not suffering some increasing sexual tension. Believe me, she KNOWS that the celibacy in this M is not without its impact on her H. Fortunately for her, Doc has been super-exceedingly patient. And if she had any bit of compassion for H she would welcome knowing her H is cares enough to be open with her. If she can't appreciate and accommodate at least verbal intimacy with her spouse, then one has to question just what she expects a M to be.
At the same time, Doc needs to be clear in his own mind what his motives are and should be. If his goal is not to give honest communication of what he is struggling with, to seek her support in dealing with these feelings, but is really more to use as a threat or an ultimatum to W, then I'd say that would be counter-productive and unfair to his W. I am certain that would not be what Doc would intend anyway.
I would agree that it would be delicate balancing act, to convey to his W the depth of what he is struggling with without making it seem like he's just trying to manipulate her, but if that's what Doc decides upon I am certain he would be more than capable of communicating that effectively.
No code, I understood what you meant. And OT I was not going to be acting on any of my "desires". Call me stupid or weak but I did go through that "get even" stage and was figuring "if she did it why can't I" and I did at one point have a situation all set up. I was at a party and this woman who I think has been interested in me for awhile had been drinking and I had been drinking and we talked and she wanted me to go back to her place to go "hot tubing" I told her I did not have a suit and she said ‘no suits are allowed in her hot tub. I was parked out back and was supposed to come around the front and pick her up. Well........I got to my jeep and I drove around the front and saw her standing there but something came over me and I could not stop.. I kept on driving and went home. (I was kind of embarrassed when I saw her again but I think she had so much to drinking that she did not remember it or at least she has never mentioned it) Yesterday was a great day in the city. Wife got really tired though from all of the walking around and so I did not push anything. When we got home wife wanted me to fix her and our daughter a margarita.(she really likes the way I make them, says they are better that any she has ever had in a bar). So I made them one and then went swimming with our son. A little while later wife came out side just to see how we were doing and I asked her to make me a margarita. She went inside and made one and then her and my daughter came out side and sat on the deck I make by the pool. She kept telling our daughter how much she liked the deck and how good of a job I did.(one of my weaknesses is I sometimes need to hear compliments on my work). So anyway tonight son and I are going out to the coast on last time before school starts to go camping overnight. Wife and son are still asleep right now but I did put a little flirtatious note in wife’s “delicate apparel” drawer. I think I have been afraid to really turn on the flirtation again after being turned down so many times. But when OT said if I am doing it to another woman why can’t I do it to my wife it did get me thinking. I guess it’s kind of now or never. The other night I was out playing pool with my nephew that just went through a divorce. I went over to his house first that has a for sale sign on it because he can not keep it and noticed his P/U truck and motorcycle gone. He said he had to liquidate stuff for child support. latter on during the night he did say how much he missed his family and then after some drinking he was telling me how this guy he knows that just left the bar was drinking all day and then just left to go pick up some dope. (I think he was talking about some coke and not the drinking kind) Then later since my nephew lost his license from a DUI he got about a month ago he asked me if I could drop him off at that guy’s house. My point in telling you all of this is my nephew that had everything and now has nothing. And I think he is turning to unhealthy things to not think about what he has lost. I DO NOT WANT THIS TO HAPPEN TO ME However I am afraid that my wife is just going along right now to keep the family together and if I do push for something more she will just leave. So that is why OT I have not pushed the “be come her lover” avenue. I am afraid that what little happiness I have I will lose. On the other hand I sit here and complain that I am not happy but I am not doing anything about it. So what OT is telling me is “either [censored] or get off the pot”
Ok I rambled on long enough. I know that things are so much better than they were a year ago but……I will fill you all in how tonight goes. I am planning on calling wife before bed time and “talk”
Doc
And if I claim to be a wise man, well It surely means that I don't know
no time right now but..................I THINK IT WENT GREAT...
not as I had planned but my H. Scope said:
Thursday, August 13th, 2009-- Your quiet emotional satisfaction may go unnoticed by most of those around you today. You can be very happy without the knowledge of your friends or co-workers. Meanwhile, an intimate partner or family member is able to see a different side of the story as your joy overflows and is easily expressed within a more private and personal venue.
I will go into it more later but I was able to end my phone call last night with " I LOVE YOU".
I used to end the calls that way all of the time but have not for the last two years.When ever I tried to is seemed awkward..but last night if flowed out eaisily. AND wife kind of mumbled it back.... It's time OT to make her my lover...
And if I claim to be a wise man, well It surely means that I don't know
Ok sorry for the delay but I have been busy. I will step back a little. So son and I went camping. Had a great time. We brought our bikes and went biking on a trail and son could not keep up with me. (Will go into that a little bit later). So while son and I were out looking for meteors that night I called wife. Me: So how are you doing? Her: fine I am really enjoying the solitude. Me: what have you been doing? Her: washing clothes, working on getting my computer back it order and enjoying the solitude having peace and quiet. Me: so do you want more solitude? Her: what do you mean? Me: do you not like being married? Her: I did not say that Me: I know, I said it…I have been doing a lot of thinking Her: I know you think too much Me: I know.. I feel our old marriage is dead. I want to start over. I think we can do better this time. I want to renew our vows and start again. Her: (she said nothing) Me: well we are going to look for meteors a little longer. Her: ok you should be able to see them good out there it darker that her in the city. Me: well we will see. Good night I love you Her: love you too (I think kind of mumbled) good night.
So this in one of those “it’s not what she said but what she didn’t say” things. In the past she would have said something like. “There is no use in starting over. I don’t want to be back where we were…Or I can’t think about the future right now.. Or anything to not commit to a “future” but she did not say anything..
I am seeing allot more of my “old wife” returning. Like I said I just need to push a little forward and then ease off. this had kept me going in a Forward motion... Our kisses have been lasted a little longer; she had been in a happy mood around me. She even suggested that next time we go to see something to leave son with a sitter because she is tired of him complaining and wanting to go home. (I believe in the past she has wanted son around just so her and I were not alone together... One thing I want to add about camping… we had a skunk visit our camp site that night. Good thing we had a camper and not a tent. So at dinner tonight I was talking to wife about how different it had been lately that when we have gone out we usually had to keep it slow because of me and my leg but now she is the one that gets tired from walking before me,, and how when son and I went biking he was the one that got tired before me. Wife said: that’s because you have been doing allot of things and have been getting exercise. Son and I just sit around the house. I said maybe you need to go biking with son and I. She said. ‘Now you sound like my mom and she pisses me off telling me what I need to do. I know what I need to do I need to go back to curves...
I did not say anything I just dropped it... Anyway I am going to sit tight until after son starts school next week. There is too much going on to mention anything to wife about us at the moment. HOWEVER... after son starts school I am going to tell wife that I want to forget about the past and start new. I want to renew out wedding vows and start fresh… I believe we are ready for this. Yes we still sleep in separate rooms at this time but hey... how many people in the past has been celibate until the day of their marrage?
Talk to ya all later and I did e-mail some of you but have not had a response. Did you “guys” get my mail?
Doc Love
And if I claim to be a wise man, well It surely means that I don't know
How about building an R with W as a lover before you ask her to recommit, renew vows, etc...?
Enough talk.
I'm working on it OT things on the outside are great. But my mind wants to keep having negative thoughts that I believe I manifest. Wife is having "woman issues" right now so seduction is out of the question. (Not on my part it never bothered me ....but I can tell that wife would not be in the mood) I am opening up more to wife and starting to tell her some stuff that I felt in the past I could not trust her with……
Last edited by Dr LOve; 08/17/0904:21 PM.
And if I claim to be a wise man, well It surely means that I don't know
Journaling... Today was good. Spent time with son swimming, fixed some stuff at MIL house...and later son and I watched "planet of the apes" after the movie I went into the front room where wife was watching her soap. I leaned down behind her chair and put my arms around her and watched the show for a while. Wife DID NOT pull away this time. I had to go pick up D from work so I kissed wife on the neck and told her I would see her later. When I go back she was in "her room" on the computer. I told her that I was going to have bad dreams about monkeys tonight and wanted to sleep with her. She said "ya right”. I kissed her good night and said "I Love You" and she told me to sleep well. I told her if I have bad dreams she may find me on the floor in her room in the morning. She said to let the dog sleep with me tonight. I told her I would rather sleep with her. She said “Ya I know you would”
And if I claim to be a wise man, well It surely means that I don't know
no time right now but..................I THINK IT WENT GREAT...