Quote: will I tire of this m? will I reach a point where I say enough is enough...I've put in my dues...I raised the family now it's time for me to have a full and involved r with another adult?
Quote: why bother to be married if you live seperate lives and what excites you and keeps you happy does not include the spouse at least most of the time?
OMG, this is me. I lived a separate life, what excited me and kept me happy didn't excite my H nor inlude H most of the time, by my choice. I was perfectly happy with our M the way it was, but H wasn't and oh what a surprise I had waiting for me.
NOW and only now am I able to see what a M is really supposed to be, I didn't know how to be married before this all happened now I do. Family is the most important thing and my H should be the most important thing in my life. If this doesn't work with H, then someone else I meet might find me his dream mate....
Your H is headed for a 2x4, maybe not any time soon, might be later from what I'm reading in your post and I have the feeling it'll be too late for your H and your R at that point. Maybe H NEEDS a 2x4..I'm not suggesting anything here, just putting something out to see how you react .....I gotta go now..lol...
Quote: why bother to be married if you live seperate lives and what excites you and keeps you happy does not include the spouse at least most of the time?
OMG, this is me. I lived a separate life, what excited me and kept me happy didn't excite my H nor inlude H most of the time, by my choice. I was perfectly happy with our M the way it was, but H wasn't and oh what a surprise I had waiting for me.
NOW and only now am I able to see what a M is really supposed to be, I didn't know how to be married before this all happened now I do. Family is the most important thing and my H should be the most important thing in my life. If this doesn't work with H, then someone else I meet might find me his dream mate....
Your H is headed for a 2x4, maybe not any time soon, might be later from what I'm reading in your post and I have the feeling it'll be too late for your H and your R at that point. Maybe H NEEDS a 2x4..I'm not suggesting anything here, just putting something out to see how you react .....I gotta go now..lol...
Cathy
my reaction?? well I had to read this a few times...sleep on it...think about it...and I don't know what the heck to think about it.
welll..I think I'm sort of in the minority here but I don't think your h needs a 2x4. IMHO, approaching him that way hasn't worked terribly well in the past (he lapses into defensive mode and you get frustrated?) -- though maybe you have seen more positives after the confrontation?
I think a mixture of upping the verbal appreciation to h, you continuing your practice of looking for positives (including opening your mind as you have been doing to seeing positives that may not be in your LL) and identifying small things that you want to change and going after them DB style is the way to go.
I'd break stuff down into tangibles and go from there.
My 2 cents. Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Your nickname and your post really touched home! I had the opportunity to speak with my W a week ago about the same thing. I told her it's too bad that the LBS is the one that does all the studying and learning about what a M should be. The WAS should do all the studying BEFORE they leave. Then I thanked her for making me a better man. She told me that her BF was a LBS, that's why she is sure her will treat her good, and assured me that I will make my next wife a good husband!
THIS IS NUTS!...she's nuts! The whole world is NUTS! Everyone but me that is!
Quote: welll..I think I'm sort of in the minority here but I don't think your h needs a 2x4. IMHO, approaching him that way hasn't worked terribly well in the past (he lapses into defensive mode and you get frustrated?) -- though maybe you have seen more positives after the confrontation?
I think a mixture of upping the verbal appreciation to h, you continuing your practice of looking for positives (including opening your mind as you have been doing to seeing positives that may not be in your LL) and identifying small things that you want to change and going after them DB style is the way to go.
I'd break stuff down into tangibles and go from there.
My 2 cents. Sage
sage,
some how I knew you'd come along and tell me I couldn't have myself a "resigning to this life" party.
I have made a lot of changes as far as giving h his space. not calling him at all during the day unless it's important and then still not calling in person but passing the info along to his phone via im. not complaining or even huffing when he doesn't get home from work til whenever. not being pissy when I haven't heard from him all day with no acount for what he's up to. doing my best to not mention ow at all (even though I'd like to at least inqire at times about her status as a customer, has she moved? what's the deal with her and her h? etc) trying to not punish him for my assumptions about his actions or lack there of. appologizing when I do allow something (assumptions and expectations) to get me down. as far as complimenting him??? sheesh if I complimented him any more on any more things it would just border on the ridiculos...about the only thing missing is my saying outwardly in actually words ily...infact last night I said to him "hey, I L Y" he said "huh" i said "I L Y" he said..."I love you too mamma" (I also used to hate when he'd call me mamma shortly after son was born when not in reference to son but now I accept it as a term of endearment and call him daddy in return) I do my best on sundays to keep the kids and my resentment at bay when he spends the day watching football and am never in a bad mood when he goes to the game all day without me. heck I've not even made a stink durning our mini vacations when he's spent 95% of the time watching football (convenient that we go away for sun and mon don't ya think) don't make a stink when we go out to a resteraunt together and he wants to sit at the bar so he can watch football and even asks that the bar tender change the channels so he can watch simultaneous games at once. so now to keep football a tad more interesting to me (I know you follow the sox so imagine not just watching the sox but every friggen team that plays all year...would that be fun?) I've asked h to get me one of the weekly sheets that him and the guys do...(pick the winner of every game and the person who picked the most right wins the pool) at least that way I'd care who wins the games that to me are meaningless.
I'm still not and probably never will get what this little cancer ridden skank of an ow got from my h...and that is interest...h took time out of his day everyday to spend with her...talk with her...etc.
sure there are positives...but for each of them I can find a big ole but...should I ignore that but for the rest of my life just to keep the peace???
here's an example...
positive..
h planned a mini vaca for the two of us...
here's the but..
we spent it sitting at bars watching football...when back at the hotel he was in one room watching more football or football talk and I finally retreated to the other room and read my book.
what can I do to change the situation???
nothing other than reside to it..
accept it...
make myself happy even if that means going out with friends and leaving h home alone...and hope that I never meet someone who actually wants to spend time WITH me instead of just next to me or allowing me to tag along with them into their world. or rather..just hope that I am stronger than my h and can say no and stay away.
ok so here is positive and I will do my best to put no spin on it at all into the neg realm....
get ready cause it's really really good.
since h's homecomming most of his conversation is based around his work and that's fine...
I don't mind listening to him gripe about this customer or that as he's venting to ME and it let's me know that he does infact have feelings...
well yesterday h (during his call to me) let me know that a customer was mad at him and explained why...their conversation etc. I didn't totally take his side..and let him know before opening my mouth about their semi tif that I wasn't taking sides but wanted to look at it from both sides..ok so I did fear afterwards that h might have taken that stance as me thinking poorly of him.
well h just called and told me that he called the customer back and apologized etc...
here's where it gets really good (and h has done this a few times with things) h expressed that perhaps his "attitude" with the customer was a result of his having just gotten off the phone (dealing with another issue) with a company as she called....thus some of the defensiveness spilled over. Thus h realizing that he is not the emotionaless cauldren that he has taught himself to be for the sake of his business, and that it is possible to not always act accordingly in one direction when being fired at from another.
a simple thing to most but for my h...HUGE...
ok so here's another positive and I'll leave out the but cause it's minor..
during h's call he said..."hey, how bout we take the kid's out to dinner"
ok now I know you'll wonder what's the but? just me being selfish and noting that it's not just me that he wants...but that aint such a bad thing either is it! some men would want to get away from the kids not subject themselves to the nerve wracking feat of taking a 4 year old and 2 year old out to a resteraunt.
Quote: doing my best to not mention ow at all (even though I'd like to at least inqire at times about her status as a customer, has she moved? what's the deal with her and her h? etc)
STOP THAT SH!T IMMEDIATLY, LL. NEVER, NEVER, NEVER MENTION OW IN ANY WAY, SHAPE OF FORM! YOU ARE DOING MORE DAMAGE THAN YOU THINK! You know my sit, so trust me on this one!Don't even think about her, get her out of your head some how!
PS: W and I ALWAYS called each other Mom & Dad! Would you rather have you kids learn to call you LL and Dufus?
I think all men need a 2x4 once in awhile, it keeps them in line... I am kidding!
Why is your H so obsessed with football? Just wondering how he came to be that way. My H took up bass fishing before we had our son. He bought an expensive bass boat, started fishing local tournaments, bought a ton of fishing equipment. I never knew a person needed so many different poles and lures. Me I'm fine with one pole and one lure..manage to catch a musky that way, too. My H would use every musky bait there was and still hasn't caught one, me I put on a spinner bait and bam a musky!
Anyway this was all he did fish and fish and fish some more. The boat came with us on vacations, vacations would be fishing tournaments and H fished, and H would fish all day!! I got real tired of the fishing for hour and hours, so just brought a book along and spent the day with H. So I guess I'm just commiserating with you and the fact that your H has a football obsession.
.....I gotta go now..lol...
I am kidding!