Not being able to enjoy yourself is no surprise, Sunshine.
You haven't had any opportunity to process what you now know. Even though you've suspected it all along, when you finally know the truth w/out doubt, it is like it is all brand new again...and it hurts like Hell!
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We had no chance.
In hindsight, you are completely correct. His continual lying and deceit has created something that can't be repaired. However, your M didn't fail b/c of you. You should be able to look in the mirror and hold your head high b/c you gave your M an honest chance.
You probably won't be able to do this now, but soon you will be able to understand that not only does M take a lot of committment and a lot of work from both sides, but it is also something that can't function if only one part of the equation is willing to value it above all else.
I too think you may not find much comfort in what Ali posted right at this moment, but I've read it a couple of times and I would hope you'll revisit it in the near future as it provides some very good insight as to where your H was and why he was doing what he did. It by no means gives him an excuse for what he did or a "hall pass" of any kind, but knowing the reasons behind the actions may help you to process this as you move forward for you.
Again, my friend, Maria, I'm so sorry. In my own sitch I have some similarities especially when it comes to being led to believe that I was the problem by my X. She actually convinced me that the reason we had issues was b/c I had issues. Discovering the truth behind the lies does hurt, but it also is a blessing in disguise...but only time will reveal this to you.
