Quote: welll..I think I'm sort of in the minority here but I don't think your h needs a 2x4. IMHO, approaching him that way hasn't worked terribly well in the past (he lapses into defensive mode and you get frustrated?) -- though maybe you have seen more positives after the confrontation?
I think a mixture of upping the verbal appreciation to h, you continuing your practice of looking for positives (including opening your mind as you have been doing to seeing positives that may not be in your LL) and identifying small things that you want to change and going after them DB style is the way to go.
I'd break stuff down into tangibles and go from there.
My 2 cents. Sage
sage,
some how I knew you'd come along and tell me I couldn't have myself a "resigning to this life" party.
I have made a lot of changes as far as giving h his space. not calling him at all during the day unless it's important and then still not calling in person but passing the info along to his phone via im. not complaining or even huffing when he doesn't get home from work til whenever. not being pissy when I haven't heard from him all day with no acount for what he's up to. doing my best to not mention ow at all (even though I'd like to at least inqire at times about her status as a customer, has she moved? what's the deal with her and her h? etc) trying to not punish him for my assumptions about his actions or lack there of. appologizing when I do allow something (assumptions and expectations) to get me down. as far as complimenting him??? sheesh if I complimented him any more on any more things it would just border on the ridiculos...about the only thing missing is my saying outwardly in actually words ily...infact last night I said to him "hey, I L Y" he said "huh" i said "I L Y" he said..."I love you too mamma" (I also used to hate when he'd call me mamma shortly after son was born when not in reference to son but now I accept it as a term of endearment and call him daddy in return) I do my best on sundays to keep the kids and my resentment at bay when he spends the day watching football and am never in a bad mood when he goes to the game all day without me. heck I've not even made a stink durning our mini vacations when he's spent 95% of the time watching football (convenient that we go away for sun and mon don't ya think) don't make a stink when we go out to a resteraunt together and he wants to sit at the bar so he can watch football and even asks that the bar tender change the channels so he can watch simultaneous games at once. so now to keep football a tad more interesting to me (I know you follow the sox so imagine not just watching the sox but every friggen team that plays all year...would that be fun?) I've asked h to get me one of the weekly sheets that him and the guys do...(pick the winner of every game and the person who picked the most right wins the pool) at least that way I'd care who wins the games that to me are meaningless.
I'm still not and probably never will get what this little cancer ridden skank of an ow got from my h...and that is interest...h took time out of his day everyday to spend with her...talk with her...etc.
sure there are positives...but for each of them I can find a big ole but...should I ignore that but for the rest of my life just to keep the peace???
here's an example...
positive..
h planned a mini vaca for the two of us...
here's the but..
we spent it sitting at bars watching football...when back at the hotel he was in one room watching more football or football talk and I finally retreated to the other room and read my book.
what can I do to change the situation???
nothing other than reside to it..
accept it...
make myself happy even if that means going out with friends and leaving h home alone...and hope that I never meet someone who actually wants to spend time WITH me instead of just next to me or allowing me to tag along with them into their world. or rather..just hope that I am stronger than my h and can say no and stay away.
