Divorce not busted 2

[Orich]

Thanks guys.
As I think about ways to detach and drop the rope, I keep getting hung up on the kids. Can anyone who has successfully detached from their spouses and who have kids give me some ideas or examples of how you did it? Also, how can you detach from the S and not the kids, if you know what I mean.
I'm not trying to fight the detachment here, just need some serious advice on how to do it in this circumstance.

[volleydog]

Can anyone who has successfully detached from their spouses and who have kids give me some ideas or examples of how you did it?

I know this is going to sound simple you just have to decide to do it. When i used to know I was going to see my W I'd get nervous about what I was going to do or say, whatever...Now it's like seeing an acquaintance it's nice to see her talk a little but not much more.

You just have to realize, and it's repeated here 1,000,000 times a day, you can only control you. Like you I used to think detachment was cold and heartless, but it's not, it's taking care of yourself.

Now don't get me wrong if my W came to me and said she wanted to work, and I mean work on the M I would absolutely take her up on it but if not I good with it.

[C-Bart]

Orich,
One of the things, call it an epiphany if you'd like, I recently learned is my IC is is just for me and my issue; depression, anxiety, low self esteem, etc. They are all about re-constructing how we got to this point in our lives and how WE can make changes to effect OUR behavior. However, when it comes to relationship advice I treat it as just that. I get better advice from my sister than my IC. Focus on your issues like you have been doing. You the current state of your R is a result not an issue.

One word of caution regrading co-dependency or any other labels. I went down that road myself. Tried it on for a month or two. Read all the books and it seemed to fit. Two problems. Most of the traits of a "co-depend" are good things. Giving unselfishly for example. Remember co-dependency came out of AA and was targeted towards the enabling behaviors associated with spouses of alcoholics. Read once that by definition Mother Teresa would be the world's worst co-dependent. More importantly, when I put a label on myself it transformed me instantly into a victim. Took away my responsible for my own life. I even started to look at my W as abusive. Think I even told her as much. It was nice to have an excuse for being unhappy but it was not helping me be a better person. I had a perfect excuse for not being able to detach or give my W the space she needed. After all I had an diagnosed "disorder". I can't be expect to act in a mature responsible manner. Bottom line we are all co-dependent at some level.

We need to focus on solutions that work. If I had a $ for every time I heard, focus on yourself I wouldn't at least have a $. But all kidding aside that approach works. My goal is to be the shining city on a hill for all to see. The rest will take care of itself.

[C-Bart]

Orich,
My kids actually help me to detach as they give me something to focus my attention on instead of my failing MR. Remember you are detaching emotionally not going dark.

I ran across this post a couple of weeks ago and printed it out. Sorry I don't know who wrote it but it helped me:

"Letting Go"
* To "let go" does not mean to stop caring; it means I can't do it for someone else.
* To "let go" is not to cut myself off; it's the realization I can't control another.
* To "let go" is not to enable, but to allow learning from natural consequences.
* To "let go" is to admit powerlessness, which means the outcome is not in my hands.
* To "let go" is not to try to change or blame another; it's to make the most of myself.
* To "let go" is not to care for, but to care about.
* To "let go" is not to fix, but to be supportive.
* To "let go" is not to judge, but to allow another to be a human being.
* To "let go" is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes, but to allow others to affect their own destinies.
* To "let go" is not to be protective; it's to permit another to face reality.
* To "let go" is not to deny, but to accept.
* To "let go" is not to nag, scold or argue, but instead to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.
* To "let go" is not to criticize and regulate anybody, but to try to become what I dream I can be.
* To "let go" is not to adjust everything to my desires, but to take each day as it comes and cherish myself in it.
* To "let go" is to not regret the past, but to grow and live for the future.
* To "let go" is to fear less and love myself more.

[Energizer Bunny]

I've had the same issue Orich. Kids bring a whole new dynamic. I've learned to "go with the flow" a lot more on just about every issue. (I still put up an arguement when she ways that she wants to call it quits.)

She comes and goes as she pleases and I don't criticize ANYTHING!

C-Bart - I agree with you on the CO-Dep thing. My wife read a book then went to an IC essentially to get told she's Co-Dep. Now all I hear is how "sick" and "unhealthy" it is to do things for other people. How it's wrong to do anything for anyone except for herself and how she needs only to worry about her own happiness now. You're right, the label was for the bavhiors of alcohilic's spouses. It's an extreme bahavior. Now that the W has been "diagnosed" (after relling IC everything that she read in the book) she is now a victim. Not responsible for any of her actions.

I have a tendancy to love hard, be needy and clingy, but codependent? Nope. I'm not a victim and I don't have a disorder.

[C-Bart]

Orich,
This is a great opportunity to shine. Establish some boundaries and consistency in your family. Your kids need this now more than ever. One thing I did was to establish custody. Easy for me as I am primary cause she left the kids. I think you are in the same house (good!). You may want to establish regular responsibility custody. If you haven't already, establish a schedule when you will be 100% responsible for taking care of the kidos. Feeding, dressing, bathing, taking them to school, all the maintenance associated with a 5 and 3 year olds. This is a win - win for you and your W. Gives you a chance to bond with your kidos while showing changes in yourself. For your W it gives her a much needed rest from the associated kid related stress.

[C-Bart]

Gima,
That's one of the risk with an IC. They are really there just to support the clients direction. Michelle talks about this in detail in her books. They are a reflection of the clients perspective more than anything else. In that respect they are no more helpful than a well meaning family member.

My W did something similar to yours in that she set out to destroy my image (in her mind if nothing else) through IC. Dwelling on all the bad to get reassurance that what she was doing (WAW) was justified. In the end she got what she thought she wanted but is no better for the experience. Watching someone you love struggle can be the hardest part of letting go.

[Orich]

Thanks for your input, guys.
I never thought of me being a victim as a co-dependant. In fact, I thought of it as a weakness that I had to overcome. A personality flaw that I always knew I had, but it was never interfering enough with my life to do anything about. Until now. I should have done something about it earlier. But my point is that for me, it is a weakness, not an excuse.
With the kids, I have always been the disciplinarian, and W was always the push over. So naturally they gravitate to her. They won't let me give them a bath, etc. without raising hell. But I like that idea of scheduling the kids' "maintenance".

[Orich]

We went to the carnival with the boys. Again, w was stand offish when she got home from work, but I didn't get caught up. I didn't try to get her to talk or anything. We went to the carnival, and there she talked to me without me starting the conversation. When we ran into people we knew, she was all smiles, saying we are good, we are busy, we will be doing this and that later, etc. Then when we got home, she started talking down to me a little bit, and again I didn't bite. I told her I was staying up for a while and that she should just go to bed. So, I am up having "me" time. Tomorrow we are doing family stuff again tomorrow, we'll see what happens.

[Sara]

Doing things together and as a family is very good. That is the best thing you can do.(But do avoid fights if you can.)