Orich, One of the things, call it an epiphany if you'd like, I recently learned is my IC is is just for me and my issue; depression, anxiety, low self esteem, etc. They are all about re-constructing how we got to this point in our lives and how WE can make changes to effect OUR behavior. However, when it comes to relationship advice I treat it as just that. I get better advice from my sister than my IC. Focus on your issues like you have been doing. You the current state of your R is a result not an issue.
One word of caution regrading co-dependency or any other labels. I went down that road myself. Tried it on for a month or two. Read all the books and it seemed to fit. Two problems. Most of the traits of a "co-depend" are good things. Giving unselfishly for example. Remember co-dependency came out of AA and was targeted towards the enabling behaviors associated with spouses of alcoholics. Read once that by definition Mother Teresa would be the world's worst co-dependent. More importantly, when I put a label on myself it transformed me instantly into a victim. Took away my responsible for my own life. I even started to look at my W as abusive. Think I even told her as much. It was nice to have an excuse for being unhappy but it was not helping me be a better person. I had a perfect excuse for not being able to detach or give my W the space she needed. After all I had an diagnosed "disorder". I can't be expect to act in a mature responsible manner. Bottom line we are all co-dependent at some level.
We need to focus on solutions that work. If I had a $ for every time I heard, focus on yourself I wouldn't at least have a $. But all kidding aside that approach works. My goal is to be the shining city on a hill for all to see. The rest will take care of itself.
_________________________ Me-41 W-39 M-15 yrs T-17 yrs D-12 S-9 S-8 B 5/08 S 1/09
