Hey LR1 My H said and wrote the meanest things. For example read below....this was an email in April.
W, I don't want to fix things.
That's the thing that is most sh!tty, that I feel sh!tty about, but it is what it is. I don't want to fix anything. Too much has happened, too much has gone on, and I don't want it anymore. No more "discussions". Just no more.
We can still do things with S together. We can still do things together. But I don't want to fix anything. I'm ready for it to end. It already has ended and I don't want to start anything over again.
I'm sorry it's come to this, I really am. But it is here. And it's got nothing to do with anyone else but me and you. I am not in love. Being in love is super important to me. I am not. And too much sh!t has happened where I'm not going to be able to get there with you again. We can be friends, we should be friends. Not just for S but for us. But that's it. It's time to go forward with the divorce. Tell me what you want and lets iron out the details and lets get it done.
I am sorry. Really and truly.
And here is another one from July.
i am trying. i am trying to figure out what is the best thing to do with my life - kind of a scary place to be right now. i am saying that just as you need to work on sh!t on your own, i do too. we've been good for a while b/c you did stop bringing it up...(R talks) and b/c i'm still trying to figure out what's the best thing for me to do for the long haul. i know what others tell me to do. i've seen (a little too close up) what happens when you let other people sway your opinion about this stuff. that's not going to be me. so i'm going to do this at my own speed. if that's not good enough for you, i'll understand. that'll make the decision for me. but you were right about 1 thing... i want to be sure. i have always wanted to be sure. maybe my actions and decisions were a little too influenced by others leading up to this. so i need to figure this out for myself right now. i do know that i am looking forward to taking you to dinner (at the beach) for your birthday. i did have a nice time with you last weekend. since you've been a little more "interested and involved" i like staying with you more and i have always liked sleeping in the same bed with you - especailly now that you let me cuddle up more... but i still can't trust that all that isn't bullsh!t. i still can't trust that it wont all crumble in a second. so i still am not sure. and it's going to take time to get sure. i don't want to fight with you. i know you're not happy about things i did. i know you need to decide for yourself too. so let's just leave all this in the box and bury that sh!t really deep in the forest behind the house and not go dig it up ever again. i think that will start us in the right direction to figure out what we each need and really want.
you and me being really real, that is what will help us out... kay?
if this makes you angry, i'm sorry... but i don't want to talk anymore. not with you, not with anyone. i just want it all to stop.
My birthday weekend was AWESOME and it was all because of him. And that made it even better.
and there have been more emails and conversations about how he wants to keep working, at his pace and figuring things out, at his pace. I don't want to put my H out there on this board, but I think it would be important for you to see what can happen when you work on you AND you really really listen to them. Not to say I haven't screwed up since getting this email and I haven't had blow ups with him, I have. BUT things are SO much better now. As Mach1 says, I was finally able to "install the filter".
One of the changes I've made for me that benefits him.....he said I stopped being fun. I asked for examples....I thought about what he said. I thought about what I wanted to do FOR ME. One thing I've done....I've really spiced things back up for us on a personal level. It was something I did before we had our S. It was something I stopped after S was born. I used the excuse that I was tired or just not in the mood. Basically, I took away something from him that he really enjoyed. But I brought it back because I realize I TOOK IT AWAY FROM MYSELF!! I enjoyed that part of our relationship a lot too. I was depriving me. I'm willing to bring this back into our lives, because I'm willing to do it for the rest of my life.
I also know H would like me to hang out, drink and party more, maybe not like we used to before S, but more. This is something he's going to have to deal with because that's just not something I'm willing to do for the rest of my life. And again, I'm not really sure what he would like in this aspect of our lives because I don't plan to ask....I don't know what would constitute "more". And I don't plan to ask because I don't plan to change, drinking on a regular basis like we did before S....it's not something I can do for the rest of my life and it's not something I want to do just for right now to "save my marriage". I like to get a little tipsy once every three or four months. Getting drunk is just NOT a big deal for me. Every now and then, it's a release. But doing it too often, it's a bad dangerous habit. I think we could be on the same page there, or I hope we are. He hasn't brought it up either and he's not held me down and made me do a beer bong!
Hang in there LR1. I did and things are much better now. A lot more relaxed which I love.
