#65 finally!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[AliSuddenly]

Hey K,
I'm not surprised you cant relax and enjoy yourself, your mind must be swirling. Thats a brilliant summary by the way and from someone who has been here since Jan 08 and followed along, and your friend, I would say, absolutely accurate too. You have a measure of what happened now, so after anger, perhaps there will be relief?

Isnt it ironic though? You described your hopes and efforts, DBing, all that time and yet only NOW you finally get what you wanted all along, can you see that, its wierd huh? He gets it now. The A is over. NOW he realises your worth and would probably want to finally win you back, if you had let him. You said...

Regrets, remorse, guilt, he destroyed the most important R in his life, he was caught in a web of lies, he couldnt stop, I got him to the point that he almost admitted his A but couldnt take the consequences. His kids are above all, he could never separate me and the kids. He was hoping she would end before I would give up and THEN he would work on us. At that point my friend told him he is s selfish bastard, keeping me in lies and eating his cake...

I'm sure I said until recently, on the phone, its like he's back but he's still not 'back', he's still in the MLC (now we know, a full blown A). I dont feel angry at him, nor do I think he's a s*lfish b*stard, anymore than I was when I had my EA/PA. I wasnt cake eating, I was in hell, believe me. It was horrible. HORRIBLE. Yes, it was exciting, addictive and you use all kinds of means to justify it to yourself and you lie, lie, lie.. but you literally cant help it. The guilt destroys you. You know you are doing wrong and are in the wrong, will get found out and you will pay and the dread is awful too. And you feel weak and powerless to stop it. You just hope somehting will change. Its hard to explain but I think there is something intrinsic about human nature that makes us fall into these traps... or else, how come it is SO common??? Men (and some woman) get into these situations, cant see a way out, carry on the A, carry on lying.. its such a cliche. So.. he is just human, he is flawed, I actually do believe him though, that she is nothing and that he loves you and realises he lost the best thing in his life. I soon realised my OM was nothing to me. Nothing.

That isnt to say though that he has behaved appalingly, very very badly and caused you and the kids untold unneccessary suffering, so yes, you are bound to be angry and yuo need to get angry (isnt it the first stage of grieving??). But I bet the A and decision to have one for 3 years isnt anything to do with you. Its all about him, as it was for me when I had mine. It wasnt for any shortcomings in my R, or with my bf. Its wierd, but its like you get in its grip, it overtakes you, its literally like being possessed, thats how I felt anyway and like I was going mad. It wasnt a happy time for me, looking back, I was miserable. Strange we perpuate these A's, seeing as they cause so much misery and heartache, but like I said, its very very common, so I think just a part of the human experience that sadly some of us end up falling into.

I dont suppose that helps at all to dissipate your anger, but hey dont beat yourself up for trying so hard and blaming yourself for it not working out (sounds like you are feeling a fool).. you did the best you could at the time with the information you had then. Hindsight is a wonderful thing hey!

Did yuo read Priya yesterday? She talks about processing all the info that come out on the eclipse (5th) and now its a time ripe for healing. She's a wise woman !!

Love you, Al xxx